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It’s “gentle parenting “ a realistic approach ?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 9:19 am
Hey I have 3 kids and I’m definitely wanna change the way I parent, I follow some “gentle parenting” accounts on Instagram and I love and agree with their ideas and approach.
But sometimes I fell it’s a level too hard to achieve . Like I saw an video that went viral about a little girl who was crying desperately and the father instead of trying to make her shut He just sat there next to her allowing her to feel whatever she felt at that moment ...it’s beautiful and by the end after 45 minutes crying she calmed down and hugged him .
But I wonder how realistic it is . Bc I don’t know you but at least me I don’t have like free 45 minutes on my day to just sit there And wait , most of their tantrums is on the street , when I’m running to go work or other situations that I just can’t do something like that .
So I end up frustrated thinking I know this approach is the right one (for my family at least ) but at the end I just can’t do it and end up frustrated !
At the moment I can’t do a course on it (wanted so much to do Blimie heller s ...but at the moment it’s hard financially ...)
Wanted to hear from you that follow this approach what do you think
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HonesttoGod




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 9:25 am
I totally hear you. I feel the same way. So much of what I do with my kids is gentle parenting but then some of it is screaming-like-a-banshee-to-get-them-to-listen parenting.

I don’t have answers because I don’t know. If the bus is coming in 5 mins and my kids STILL ISNT DRESSED despite 30 mins of calm parenting you bet I’m gonna just do it myself or yell super loud. Or send him to school in pjs. I’m a busy lady too I have to be out the same time they do so waiitng or driving them is not happening.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 9:26 am
You may not always have the extra time, but you can always make an effort to keep your voice calm, comforting, yet in control. Be sympathetic, but try to keep things moving.

"Yes, I can see that you are upset about the cookies. A cookie would be very nice right now. We need to get to the grocery store, or we won't have any cookies. Can you please get up off the sidewalk so we can get to the store? Then we can make cookies together when we get home. Won't daddy be surprised when he sees that we made cookies for dessert, and that you were such a big helper?"

This is not coddling a snowflake, this is de-escalating a meltdown, and getting back on track. It's how you get what you want, while your child is getting what they think they want. They think they've won, while they are getting up off the sidewalk and walking nicely with you.

Save your angry voice for times when there is imminent threat of death or bodily harm. Running out into the middle of the street is a good time to yell at your child. Whinging for a cookie is not.

This is the essence of "Pick and choose your battles."

Bonus: The less you yell at your kids, the less they will yell at you. People are social creatures, and will automatically match tone in order to stay within the group. If you talk gently, your kids will do it without thinking. You can also remind them and say "I am not yelling at you. I wish you would not yell at me. When you can talk in a nice voice, I will be happy to listen to you."
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amother




Sienna
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 9:29 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Hey I have 3 kids and I’m definitely wanna change the way I parent, I follow some “gentle parenting” accounts on Instagram and I love and agree with their ideas and approach.
But sometimes I fell it’s a level too hard to achieve . Like I saw an video that went viral about a little girl who was crying desperately and the father instead of trying to make her shut He just sat there next to her allowing her to feel whatever she felt at that moment ...it’s beautiful and by the end after 45 minutes crying she calmed down and hugged him .
But I wonder how realistic it is . Bc I don’t know you but at least me I don’t have like free 45 minutes on my day to just sit there And wait , most of their tantrums is on the street , when I’m running to go work or other situations that I just can’t do something like that .
So I end up frustrated thinking I know this approach is the right one (for my family at least ) but at the end I just can’t do it and end up frustrated !
At the moment I can’t do a course on it (wanted so much to do Blimie heller s ...but at the moment it’s hard financially ...)
Wanted to hear from you that follow this approach what do you think


I feel you. Honestly I have been working a lot lately on being a better parent. What I have found:
a) no method works for every parent and every child. Flexibility is key
b) in our culture where we have many kids, some techniques or ideas are just not practical and we have to work around that.
c) the more different things I read about parenting the more I am able to understand my kids and pull a suitable tool out of many from my toolbox - I don't subscribe to one method - its situational
d) 3 words that ring in my ears that help me to no end: firm, clear and consistent (you can add gentle to that if you like - I like that)
e) the more in tune I am with myself, the better I am able to parent!
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 9:33 am
It’s hard hard work.
It is realistic because even a little change goes a long way. I am so far from this but I feel like the mind switch was invaluable for me- I look at my children so differently now. Yes- I took Blimy Hellers course and feel that it’s worth putting away a bit of money each month if that’s doable for you to give yourself that gift. She will be there to support you on your journey afterwards
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:16 am
HonesttoGod wrote:
I totally hear you. I feel the same way. So much of what I do with my kids is gentle parenting but then some of it is screaming-like-a-banshee-to-get-them-to-listen parenting.

I don’t have answers because I don’t know. If the bus is coming in 5 mins and my kids STILL ISNT DRESSED despite 30 mins of calm parenting you bet I’m gonna just do it myself or yell super loud. Or send him to school in pjs. I’m a busy lady too I have to be out the same time they do so waiitng or driving them is not happening.

hahahahaha true storyyy ! Let’s not talk about bedtime!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:19 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
You may not always have the extra time, but you can always make an effort to keep your voice calm, comforting, yet in control. Be sympathetic, but try to keep things moving.

"Yes, I can see that you are upset about the cookies. A cookie would be very nice right now. We need to get to the grocery store, or we won't have any cookies. Can you please get up off the sidewalk so we can get to the store? Then we can make cookies together when we get home. Won't daddy be surprised when he sees that we made cookies for dessert, and that you were such a big helper?"

This is not coddling a snowflake, this is de-escalating a meltdown, and getting back on track. It's how you get what you want, while your child is getting what they think they want. They think they've won, while they are getting up off the sidewalk and walking nicely with you.

Save your angry voice for times when there is imminent threat of death or bodily harm. Running out into the middle of the street is a good time to yell at your child. Whinging for a cookie is not.

This is the essence of "Pick and choose your battles."

Bonus: The less you yell at your kids, the less they will yell at you. People are social creatures, and will automatically match tone in order to stay within the group. If you talk gently, your kids will do it without thinking. You can also remind them and say "I am not yelling at you. I wish you would not yell at me. When you can talk in a nice voice, I will be happy to listen to you."

I understand. Yelling is a thing I really have to work on. Sometimes I start doing the gentle way but then at some point I see they are ignoring me and I just go an yell 😔
But then I see my daughter talking to my younger ones the same way I talked to her and I realize that I have to change
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:24 am
Sienna I agree what you are saying . About the B - let me tell you the true I always imagine myself with 5 /8 kids ...now I have 3 and I’m not planning on having more till I learn how to parent them on a way that I feel right
C -yes! I fell that just understanding them already helps a lot on the way we deal with certain situations
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:25 am
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
It’s hard hard work.
It is realistic because even a little change goes a long way. I am so far from this but I feel like the mind switch was invaluable for me- I look at my children so differently now. Yes- I took Blimy Hellers course and feel that it’s worth putting away a bit of money each month if that’s doable for you to give yourself that gift. She will be there to support you on your journey afterwards

Wow so nice to hear that she helped you that much ! I’m think I’m gonna try to save money for that !
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 12:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Wow so nice to hear that she helped you that much ! I’m think I’m gonna try to save money for that !

No affiliation! Just a mom with children of all different ages including one with a bit more differences. She helped me almost more than his therapists
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amother




Taupe
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 12:38 pm
Yes. Yes it's realistic and yes it works.

Disclaimer I grew up with a mom who YELLED I still have no relationship with her. I mean I go for Shabbos and talk (if she calls) but that's pretty much it, emotionally.

I find myself as oldest gets closer to 3, slipping into yelling and ik its bc I'm in a bad place now. So it's also a lot of working in yourself emotionally not just learning parenting techniques.

Anyways. It absolutely works. I recommend Janet lansbury 100000%
It's free, start with her. Listen to her podcasts but she also has articles on blog and books.
The first thing is a mindset shift. So if you don't have 45min to sit on the block you do have the mindset to say "looks like you're having a tough time. It's ok to be upset. I can't let you do this on the street so I'm going to help carry you away now."
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mommy201




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 12:58 pm
OP we are all a work in progress. As you know I am big Blimie fan - you probably notice my name near any posts with her. I would definitely say it's worth it to be able to save the money or figure out how to do it soon since it is a deep long term investment. You are investing into the emotional health and being of your children which will have the most long term effects.

I saw that video too! It is beautiful! (Did you see the superNanny video before that? Horrible!) I don't either have time to always sit next to my children on the floor through their tantrums but that video does make me think when they are tantrumming and I try to empathize and be as close as possible.

Amother Sienna - I happen to disagree with you on the fact that no method works for every child. Blimie's is not a method but more like an approach. I think most people who take her course realize that this can work for every child and ideally every child should be parented this way. Its not about the nuances but about tuning in to the connection, relationship with your child and the other things, with work, follow.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:16 pm
Mommy201 yeahhhh I saw about the super nanny !! I can’t believe that’s what society thinks is the right way to educate I child! I was so sad seeing those clips that I decided I never never wanna do this kind of thing to any of my child! But then I don’t know what I should do ! I gonna listen for now for those podcast that were suggested for free till I can save money for her course . The true is that I end up spending in psychologist and other professionals that don’t help on anything and still have this old fashion mentality of punishing ,threatening and “let show them who is the boss here “ . So I guess it’s worthed to save for sometimes that I know it’s gonna help for sure
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:26 pm
OP- I’m in similar shoes: my son is in therapy but Blimy was even more helpful
Reach out
You can do a one time coaching session if that works for you
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gold21




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:27 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
Yes. Yes it's realistic and yes it works.

Disclaimer I grew up with a mom who YELLED I still have no relationship with her. I mean I go for Shabbos and talk (if she calls) but that's pretty much it, emotionally.

I find myself as oldest gets closer to 3, slipping into yelling and ik its bc I'm in a bad place now. So it's also a lot of working in yourself emotionally not just learning parenting techniques.

Anyways. It absolutely works. I recommend Janet lansbury 100000%
It's free, start with her. Listen to her podcasts but she also has articles on blog and books.
The first thing is a mindset shift. So if you don't have 45min to sit on the block you do have the mindset to say "looks like you're having a tough time. It's ok to be upset. I can't let you do this on the street so I'm going to help carry you away now."


Was it only the yelling that impacted your relationship with your mother?
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mommy201




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Mommy201 yeahhhh I saw about the super nanny !! I can’t believe that’s what society thinks is the right way to educate I child! I was so sad seeing those clips that I decided I never never wanna do this kind of thing to any of my child! But then I don’t know what I should do ! I gonna listen for now for those podcast that were suggested for free till I can save money for her course . The true is that I end up spending in psychologist and other professionals that don’t help on anything and still have this old fashion mentality of punishing ,threatening and “let show them who is the boss here “ . So I guess it’s worthed to save for sometimes that I know it’s gonna help for sure


Yesss! You totally have the right idea. And after you take her course you almost become a parenting coach in your own right. I honestly feel like I can help others. If you want to PM me, I can give you some tidbits.

Regarding the SupperNanny video - I was horrified but then when I thought more deeply into it I realized that I was probably not sooo different a few years ago. I know the video made it extreme, but honestly, yelling at my kids to do something I want them to do just because and then punishing them all the while they are crying is not something that was so far-fetched. It looks worse when you see it on someone else. But I am sure glad I have this approach to guide me through everything in life now.

Hatzlacha Raba!
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mommy201




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:29 pm
gold21 wrote:
Was it only the yelling that impacted your relationship with your mother?


Yelling in itself, even not so often is not what we want to do. Unfortunately most ppl do yell sometimes due to us being human and making mistakes.

But constant yelling is lack of connection with a child and does not build a relationship/connection with a child but only endangers it.
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 2:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Hey I have 3 kids and I’m definitely wanna change the way I parent, I follow some “gentle parenting” accounts on Instagram and I love and agree with their ideas and approach.
But sometimes I fell it’s a level too hard to achieve . Like I saw an video that went viral about a little girl who was crying desperately and the father instead of trying to make her shut He just sat there next to her allowing her to feel whatever she felt at that moment ...it’s beautiful and by the end after 45 minutes crying she calmed down and hugged him .
But I wonder how realistic it is . Bc I don’t know you but at least me I don’t have like free 45 minutes on my day to just sit there And wait , most of their tantrums is on the street , when I’m running to go work or other situations that I just can’t do something like that .
So I end up frustrated thinking I know this approach is the right one (for my family at least ) but at the end I just can’t do it and end up frustrated !
At the moment I can’t do a course on it (wanted so much to do Blimie heller s ...but at the moment it’s hard financially ...)
Wanted to hear from you that follow this approach what do you think

I think it depends on your kids. And that goes for any approach to parenting.
Some kids will do great with "gentle parenting" but some kids will end up entitled, spoiled brats or worse, complete bullies. Just like with any other system.
Chanoch lena'ar al pi darko means going according to what a given child needs.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 2:43 pm
I don’t sit next to my kids when they tantrum, nor do I try to shut them up. I just let them do them.
They used to do it more often but now that they’re getting older and realizing it doesn’t work it’s been greatly reduced.
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amother




Coffee
 

Post  Tue, Jan 14 2020, 3:06 pm
Just signed up for Blimie's course a few minutes ago and then saw this Smile... Heard so much great feedback (real life too) so hoping this can help us.
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