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Why suddenly when I’m hospitalized do people care?
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rosezee




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 10:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We did. Read a few posts back.

Although I learned not to rely on help. Our home is falling apart but I guess we’ve gotten used to it. My husband would rather have me home and no supper than in the hospital so he makes do without a functioning home.


Where do you live?
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Odelyah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 10:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My husband tried asking a sister and his mother. His mother said she can’t and his sister said she’ll do it for pay (my husband would rather buy takeout).


wow I just saw this now. how much was he asking? a regular schedule of suppers or a one time or occasional thing? I have to assume his sister's finances are very tight but actual pay? Like for profit? Or did she say she would need him to pay for the ingredients because she can't afford the extra groceries?

If they all refuse to do one thing to help, even when asked, but will run to the hospital, then I have no good answer to your question, but I doubt it will do you much good to ruminate about it.

If you live in a community with kosher take-out it is probably big enough that there are chesed organizations, bikur cholim, etc. that organize at least a week or 2 of meals for families who need them. I highly recommend availing yourself of everything you can. Chesed girls, everything. We have never lived near our relatives so we have always relied on people in the community during times of need, and we try to help others whenever we can. It must be hard though when you think you have family you should be able to rely on; but you really can't Sad Hug
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 10:54 am
I think I’m still formulating my thoughts as I’m posting.

And I think I’m not so much resentful over their lack of help as I think I’ll be resentful if they suddenly rush to visit me in the hospital. I’ll have a very hard time believing it’s out of care and concern.

I need to work on myself.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 10:58 am
I cant answer for your family..really upsetting. OP do you live in a large jewish community? I know bikur cholim in Lakewood helped my friend with meals in such a situation... You or DH must speak up and ask for help. Friends and neighbors may not realize you need help and assume your family is taking care. Its the winter time, pple are inside and they aren't aware that u are laid up.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 10:59 am
Odelyah wrote:
wow I just saw this now. how much was he asking? a regular schedule of suppers or a one time or occasional thing? I have to assume his sister's finances are very tight but actual pay? Like for profit? Or did she say she would need him to pay for the ingredients because she can't afford the extra groceries?

If they all refuse to do one thing to help, even when asked, but will run to the hospital, then I have no good answer to your question, but I doubt it will do you much good to ruminate about it.

If you live in a community with kosher take-out it is probably big enough that there are chesed organizations, bikur cholim, etc. that organize at least a week or 2 of meals for families who need them. I highly recommend availing yourself of everything you can. Chesed girls, everything. We have never lived near our relatives so we have always relied on people in the community during times of need, and we try to help others whenever we can. It must be hard though when you think you have family you should be able to rely on; but you really can't Sad Hug


He didn’t ask for a specific thing. He was just talking to his family about what’s difficult for us and she called back to say that she’d offer supper for pay. That sister lives on higher living standards than we do. And whenever we helped her out we never asked for reimbursement. I understand food costs money (were a small family but still). And it would still be a help, even if we paid for it. But dh just didn’t feel like paying for someone who’d make him feel like a chesed case when he can just go buy takeout himself.

We live on the borders of a frum community. So we’re close enough for dh to drive and buy meals but the organizations said we don’t live close enough for them to help.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 10:59 am
If you go to the hospital and visit, it's a finite amount of energy, money, and time. Plus they aren't doing actual work. Helping out in your house, while taking care of their own, can be overwhelming.

You have money for take out but not money to pay the sister. I would rather pay the sister to cook in my house, and she could be overseeing your other child and available if you need something. Plus she is company. You seem to expect his family should be assisting you for months. This is too much to ask. Why not pay the sister. Maybe she can't afford to help you without pay. Not every person is cut out to volunteer to do household chores.

Perhaps you could ask to spread out your needs among people. Contact bikur cholim for meals. When I was on bedrest, help came from a variety of sources communitywide. Let your rebbetzen know you have need of help. Tell your friends.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:02 am
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
You or DH must speak up and ask for help. Friends and neighbors may not realize you need help and assume your family is taking care. Its the winter time, pple are inside and they aren't aware that u are laid up.


If you read my other posts you’ll see that I don’t have my family around (dh’s family knows) and that dh spoke to his family.

And they all know about my situation. They know enough to call me up to help them with my line of work (computer related), because “you’re on bedrest so you must have a lot of spare time and it would be a shame not to put it to good use”).
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acemom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:03 am
Odelyah wrote:
wow I just saw this now. how much was he asking? a regular schedule of suppers or a one time or occasional thing? I have to assume his sister's finances are very tight but actual pay? Like for profit? Or did she say she would need him to pay for the ingredients because she can't afford the extra groceries?

SNIP

If you live in a community with kosher take-out it is probably big enough that there are chesed organizations, bikur cholim, etc. Hug


Bolded could very well be the case. Is it possible to be open about it with your sil and offer to fund the groceries/food? I'm sure homemade cooking would be better than takeout for several reasons.
Just another perspective.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:03 am
amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:
If you go to the hospital and visit, it's a finite amount of energy, money, and time. Plus they aren't doing actual work. Helping out in your house, while taking care of their own, can be overwhelming.

You have money for take out but not money to pay the sister. I would rather pay the sister to cook in my house, and she could be overseeing your other child and available if you need something. Plus she is company. You seem to expect his family should be assisting you for months. This is too much to ask. Why not pay the sister. Maybe she can't afford to help you without pay. Not every person is cut out to volunteer to do household chores.


That wasn’t the help we asked for or that she offered. She offered to make extra of whatever she was cooking for her family (in her home).
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:05 am
I've had that happen too. It's flashier (and also easier) to visit someone in the hospital than to make sure the actual day to day is taken care of. When I was hospitalized for a few weeks before having a baby, I got all these visits in the hospital during the week, balloons, chocolates (which I couldn't even eat because I had GD), yet I was spending Shabbos alone because somehow, none of them were able to take my kids for Shabbos so that dh could stay with me. And before anyone asks, yes, we specifically asked around for people to take the kids so that dh could stay with me. A lot of people want to snap up their chesed points without doing the actual work.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:11 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
That wasn’t the help we asked for or that she offered. She offered to make extra of whatever she was cooking for her family (in her home).


That's ridiculous unless she was looking to cover the cost of ingredients. There's still a convenience factor if she was dropping it off.
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healthymom1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:12 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We did. Read a few posts back.

Although I learned not to rely on help. Our home is falling apart but I guess we’ve gotten used to it. My husband would rather have me home and no supper than in the hospital so he makes do without a functioning home.


Can you ask the community and not your family for a mitzvah train meal!?
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:13 am
This is my personal take, so ignore if it’s not applicable to everyone.
For me to send supper to someone is very hard, I feel self conscious that someone will not like it, think it messy, different taste. The transport of food is also an issue. Dh would have to be available to take it. And it would take all day. So supper is out.
Taking someone’s child for a few hours after school at this point for various private reasons is very challenging. So childcare is out.
Coming to visit during the day when kids are in school or in the evening with a teddy bear and chocolate and balloons and flowers is how much I can do now. I love you just as much as the person that would cook for you for 2 months.this is how I can help I’m so sorry you don’t want it.
I’m honest it’s easier, does that invalidate my mitzvah, is it not counted. Does it mean I don’t care.
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:20 am
OP where do you live? I'd like to help if I can
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Odelyah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:20 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He didn’t ask for a specific thing. He was just talking to his family about what’s difficult for us and she called back to say that she’d offer supper for pay. That sister lives on higher living standards than we do. And whenever we helped her out we never asked for reimbursement. I understand food costs money (were a small family but still). And it would still be a help, even if we paid for it. But dh just didn’t feel like paying for someone who’d make him feel like a chesed case when he can just go buy takeout himself.

We live on the borders of a frum community. So we’re close enough for dh to drive and buy meals but the organizations said we don’t live close enough for them to help.


sorry for harping on this but for pay pay, or paying for the cost of the food? maybe it got lost in translation through your husband? because I feel like there is a huge difference between the 2. even if she has a higher standard of living, they could still have financial constraints you are unaware of...
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:24 am
your mother in law flat out said no, she won't help you??!!!
What??
why???
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:33 am
Can't really help, but hugs OP. I get why that may be very frustrating and painful.
Hang in there!
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:34 am
Maybe they just have an incorrect idea of what bedrest is. They may imagine that it means you have to sit home for the most part, but you can still putter around and get some housework done. They might think it's just a fancy word for vacation. When you're in the hospital, though, that's obviously more 'serious'. At home, they might picture you watching netflix with a snack.

Also, as someone pointed out upthread, visiting a relative in the hospital is much more "glamorous" than baking a tray of lasagna or taking her toddler for a few hours. For that you actually have to get your hands dirty.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:36 am
I have observed that when a need is ongoing, sometimes it's best served by an organization rather than by family. It can be very draining for family to provide something - like meals for example - for a period of time. It's both costly and time consuming. It's much easier to visit someone in a hospital and send some balloons here and there than do meals on a regular basis.

I made supper for my cousin last night as she had a new baby - I gladly arranged my whole day around preparing that supper - including soup, main, and 2 sides - and delivering it. But I would not be able to do that on a steady basis. And it being a one-time thing, I didn't think of the extra expense, but on a regular basis it would significantly increase my food bill to do that.

OP, you mention you are too far from your local Bikur Cholim to provide you with meals. Is it a servicing issue or a delivering issue? If they won't service you because you are outside their range, that can't be helped. But if it's a delivery issue, could that be worked out separately?
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 11:39 am
OP, I so get it. I had a similar experience a few years ago. It's such a bad feeling Hug

Something about the hospital triggers people into suddenly becoming super-supportive and helpful. I don't know why but that's how it is. I feel bad that you're having such a hard time right now. I wish there's something concrete I can do to help you. It's so tough to make it through a complicated pregnancy without help. You end up surviving by the skin of your teeth and then you hate the whole world when you finally make it to the other side. The full impact of those months hit you and you seriously can't look people in the face.
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