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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
hodeez
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 Tue, Jan 14 2020, 2:39 pm
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I'm sorry OP sounds really hard. Wishing you a refuah shelaimah and easy birth.
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amother
Ecru
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 2:43 pm
I agree with OP as I personally don't even particularly want visitors in the hospital except for family and extremely close people I don't have to be social with.
My immediate reaction was that you should ask since people don't stop to think about what other people need. But then I read your responses and it appears that you are in a strange position where even your immediate family isn't willing to offer any kind of help while you are home.
For that I sympathize with you and I have no idea of why someone would pay someone a hospital visit but not be willing to use the same time and energy to help when it would truly be helpful.
I have no insight into why you are unlucky enough to have people who aren't willing to extend themselves to help.
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amother
Gold
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 3:34 pm
Sorry op I dont mean to be hard on you but you cannot be depending on family and friends when youre in a difficult pregnancy. You knew you had this last pregnancy and it was your choice to go through this again. People have hectic lives, be glad they show up to visit you at the hospital but to expect them to help with meals, cleaning and kids is a bit much.
Hire extra help, have your dh pick up dinners or he can cook simple.
Im at home too on bedrest and never expected people to take care of my family needs, dh works harder and I do what I can to make life simpler such as online grocery orders, extra cleaning help, folding laundry on the couch ect.
I have planned c section as well with no help, its possible.
Wishing you a safe and healthy pregnancy and birth.
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zaq
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 3:34 pm
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“Hospital” means “serious” and ppl know you’re “supposed” to visit. As long as you’re still home people don’t khap that it’s serious. Hospital = sick= bikur cholim ; home = not sick. Bed rest = vacation in their mind, not “fully out of commission.”
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Snickers18
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 3:36 pm
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Hugs, OP. That must be so frustrating. It’s hard to imagine why family wouldn’t move heaven and earth to help out when they have a relationship, which it sounds like they do. I guess there’s not much you can do to fix them. Honestly, if I were you, I would request no visitors at the hospital, although hopefully you don’t get there! Maybe that will get the message across but more importantly, it will help limit your resentment.
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littleprincess
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 3:42 pm
I feel so bad for you . I know what I feels like not having family around (I have 1 siblings nearby but I only get asked to help which I gladly do )
Let me just add this . Last week a friend of mine was away and I offered to look after her little ones (baby and 5 year old ) and cook supper for her family . I know I took a lot on but I didn't mind . The point I want to get it is the expense of cooking for another family, even a small one . A pack of chicken cutlets was 10$ (needed a full pack for that family) disposable dishes and containers . Also when u send supper to someone u make extra so I made a fruit salad which also wasnt cheap . Now I bh didnt feel it in my pocket but some people just dont have the extra 10-20$ to spend on food . Maybe if u offer that they can put the food expenses on your account they will be happy to cook for u
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amother
Mustard
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 4:04 pm
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In the past, have you offered any help to your neighbors and/or friends? If yes, contact them and explain that you would appreciate some help. Are there chesed projects in a nearby school? maybe they can send some mature teenagers to help. Please ASK. There are so many empty-nesters that would gladly cook a meal, or some soups to put in your freezer.
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amother
Hotpink
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 4:15 pm
OP, hugs to you.
Sometimes, I wish people were more deep and understanding of MY situation.
So I know the feeling.
Let go thinking of people, because at the very least, you need to save your sanity.
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asmileaday
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 4:22 pm
It's probably easier to drop everything and go visit someone in the hospital. It seems more urgent and it's very temporary.
Being home on bedrest feels less urgent and is drawn out over a long period of time.
Just trying to give you an insight of what may be going through their minds.
It does seem like they don't truly or deeply care and the hospital visit is just to be yotzeh. Sucks, I know. But you can't really do much about it. You can't force someone to care.
I know this probably isn't your case. But I have a relative who by now already has double digit amount of children. Is pregnant almost every year. Her pregnancies are crippling and put her out of comission for months at a time. Family is burnt out from helping her. They joke that if she needs that much help she needs to ask them permission before getting pregnant again.
Again, this doesn't sound like your case but sometimes family is just burnt out.
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amother
Mauve
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 4:24 pm
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Because until now maybe ppl didnt know that you were on bedrest or they knew you were but didnt really understand what it entailed. Now they hear you're in the hospital and they run to visit bedsuee they think it's more serious and you must be lonely . Besha tovah
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asmileaday
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 4:26 pm
| amother [ Mauve ] wrote: | | Because until now maybe ppl didnt know that you were on bedrest or they knew you were but didnt really understand what it entailed. Now they hear you're in the hospital and they run to visit bedsuee they think it's more serious and you must be lonely . Besha tovah |
Read through ops replies. Doesn't seem to be the case. It sounds more like they don't really care but can't ignore a hospital stay.
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amother
Emerald
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 4:29 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | My previous (first) pregnancy was a complicated one with bedrest from 4 months. Then at 5 months I was admitted to the hospital and remained there until (premature) delivery.
No one had offered any help while I was on bedrest. But suddenly when I was in the hospital, everyone rushed to come visit with balloons and teddy bears and chizzuk. (The hospital is over an hour away without traffic.)
I’m pregnant again and on bedrest again (for various reasons we were hoping the complications wouldn’t repeat but here we are again).
I don’t have family around but dh’s entire family (immediate and extended) lives here. And they’ve known about my situation since the start. Again, not even one offer of assistance. Now I’m not here to judge them on why they aren’t trying to help.
But I can’t help but think that if I end up in the hospital again, suddenly everyone will take hours out of their day to make the special trip to bring me teddy bears and chocolate.
I don’t know what to make of that. I guess I’m just in a bad place right now. And trying to make sense of things. And yes, feeling horrible. |
It's very simple. A hospital visit is not time dependent and not demanding resources that people don't have. I can come visit when my kids are all settled & I have some time to spare. And you're being well taken care of, with your needs being met, so there isn't any expectation that I have to help out with your household & needs.
On the other hand, if you're home, I can't just pop in when I want to. And, even if I'd love to give a helping hand, I have my own family's needs to consider first. If you're on bedrest, that's a pretty long-term thing. For me to start cooking for another family is demanding resources that I currently don't have (time & money). For me to help out with your children, would be redirecting attention from my own kids.
Now if this would be for a short term basis - give or take a couple of days, I'd gladly divert my resources to help out. But it's not really fair to expect others to step in to fulfill your needs more than that. B"H you're on bedrest for a positive thing. Use the time and energy to coordinate with resources that are available to you, to work things out. It's unfair to expect others to rock their family's boat for an extended period of time, to ensure that your family's boat is smooth sailing.
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notshanarishona
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:26 pm
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I had a similar experience . I think most people don't understand what bedrest means.
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amother
Khaki
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:57 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | But that’s what I’m trying to understand. Teddy bears and balloons and chocolate in unwanted visits in the hospital isn’t help. If they truly cared, wouldn’t they try to help in ways we actually need? |
This is how I see it. When you're in hospital it's for shorter than when you're home I assume? So for them it's a one off thing coming to visit you more for the company but for family to make supper a couple times a week for months on end is a lot to expect. I personally just about manage to make supper for my own family. As a one off sure I'll work extra hard to make for a friend or relative who's just had a baby/operation etc. But as ongoing thatll be tough for anyone. Financially as well. Has your mother/mil offered money to pay for take out or extra cleaning help etc? Hatzlocho OP I truly feel for you. I hope you get through it ok until the right time iyH. Beshoah tovah
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amother
Wine
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 6:02 pm
I guess I can only comfort you op that at least they care when you're hospitalized. No one cared , no visits no phone calls, nothing when I was on bedrest, no one cared when I was in the hospital , no one cared at all.
I'm sorry op it's very painful.
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amother
Khaki
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 6:07 pm
Personally if I'd have a family member in this position I'd offer at least one weekly meal for a couple months. Like a rotation with other family/friends. Must be so expensive to keep getting take out  hatzlocho
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amother
Papaya
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 6:15 pm
| asmileaday wrote: | | Read through ops replies. Doesn't seem to be the case. It sounds more like they don't really care but can't ignore a hospital stay. |
Why does it mean they don't care?
My sister-n-law had a baby recently and all I did was visit her in hospital and bake some rogelach for her kiddush.
Ideally, I should have sent her a supper or two, sent her food for Shabbos, looked after her other kid some of time. But, I can't handle taking on extra. I just can't. And for months on end when someone is on bed rest? Out of the question. Not because I don't care ch'v but I just don't have the extra time and energy available. I'm working full time and my own house and meals reflect that. How can I take on someone else's load when I'm barely managing with my own?
Just a little perspective.
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dancingqueen
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 6:26 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | But that’s what I’m trying to understand. Teddy bears and balloons and chocolate in unwanted visits in the hospital isn’t help. If they truly cared, wouldn’t they try to help in ways we actually need? |
They do care (probably) but they only want to help on their terms, which is to visit you in the hospital as a one time thing. There is also more public kavod in that kind of chessed.
They might be afraid of being roped into helping you for months on end with the bed rest. Can your family fly in to help at all? Hugs!
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dancingqueen
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 6:38 pm
I do find your ILs responses very strange, flat out refusing to help and asking for pay though.
Also, was your previous pregnancy very recent?
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asmileaday
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Tue, Jan 14 2020, 6:40 pm
| amother [ Papaya ] wrote: | Why does it mean they don't care?
My sister-n-law had a baby recently and all I did was visit her in hospital and bake some rogelach for her kiddush.
Ideally, I should have sent her a supper or two, sent her food for Shabbos, looked after her other kid some of time. But, I can't handle taking on extra. I just can't. And for months on end when someone is on bed rest? Out of the question. Not because I don't care ch'v but I just don't have the extra time and energy available. I'm working full time and my own house and meals reflect that. How can I take on someone else's load when I'm barely managing with my own?
Just a little perspective. |
I hear you. Makes sense. I guess it all depends on the overall dynamic and the relationship she has with them in the 1st place.
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