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Why suddenly when I’m hospitalized do people care?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 14 2020, 6:53 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
I do find your ILs responses very strange, flat out refusing to help and asking for pay though.

Also, was your previous pregnancy very recent?


It’s complicating. Don’t want to go into too much detail because people will never understand the family dynamics. The answer wasn’t a flat no but more like “I don’t have time” “I don’t have enough help”.. she has big girls at home and somehow finds the time to be the community mitzvah lady. And to make it all better, somehow dh and I are always on their speed dial for help. But I’m not going to keep expounding on this. People will never understand and I can’t change the way things are. I just have to make peace with the fact that if and when I’ll land in the hospital, suddenly everyone will have the time and resources. It’s up to me to learn not to resent them at that point.

And no. I had a very long break since the last pregnancy. And like I said, for various reasons the doctors were confident I’d have a normal pregnancy.
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gamanit




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 15 2020, 11:40 am
dancingqueen wrote:
I do find your ILs responses very strange, flat out refusing to help and asking for pay though.

Also, was your previous pregnancy very recent?


In a way it makes sense. If someone gives me extra money I can pay a cleaning lady to help keep my house in order which frees up some time for cooking.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:18 pm
Yep same by me, teenage daughters at home, can do the most difficult chessed for all & sundry but not even a phone call for their own family member.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:24 pm
Regarding your sister in law asking for payment for meals - the way I read your explanation of this is that she wants to be reimbursed for the money she spends on the meals. Not for her time and effort in addition to the cost of food. This is understandable. Its a lot to ask from someone, even a sibling or parent, to make meals for a long term need.

You said the sister in law is known for her chesed in the community. It seems to me that its one thing to make a meal for someone every now and then. Its another to make for a month or more, every day.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:27 pm
Humans are not always the best creatures. That's why we have to learn middot, because it doesn't come naturally.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as "pure altruism". People are not motivated to do things, unless they FEEL something about it. Nobody protests issues that don't affect them personally, and nobody donates time and energy (survival resources) to things that don't benefit them directly.

When I talk about personal benefit, I mean having "nice feelings", that endorphin and dopamine rush, that tells them that helping someone else is a good thing to do. Would you visit a stranger in the hospital? Usually not, unless you do volunteer work. You have to have feelings invested on some level.

You being at home is boring. It's not interesting. The type of help you need does not get people excited. Shopping for chocolate and flowers is fun. Babysitting a few hours or folding your laundry is not. If a you ask a person to do something they don't personally enjoy, they are going to balk, no matter how badly you need it. They'd rather get you a Hallmark card, and consider it doing their duty.

B'sha'a Tova, may everything go easy for you.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:35 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Humans are not always the best creatures. That's why we have to learn middot, because it doesn't come naturally.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as "pure altruism". People are not motivated to do things, unless they FEEL something about it. Nobody protests issues that don't affect them personally, and nobody donates time and energy (survival resources) to things that don't benefit them directly.

When I talk about personal benefit, I mean having "nice feelings", that endorphin and dopamine rush, that tells them that helping someone else is a good thing to do. Would you visit a stranger in the hospital? Usually not, unless you do volunteer work. You have to have feelings invested on some level.

You being at home is boring. It's not interesting. The type of help you need does not get people excited. Shopping for chocolate and flowers is fun. Babysitting a few hours or folding your laundry is not. If a you ask a person to do something they don't personally enjoy, they are going to balk, no matter how badly you need it. They'd rather get you a Hallmark card, and consider it doing their duty.

B'sha'a Tova, may everything go easy for you.


Precisely! Excellent post!
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thriver




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:23 am
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
Sorry op I dont mean to be hard on you but you cannot be depending on family and friends when youre in a difficult pregnancy. You knew you had this last pregnancy and it was your choice to go through this again. People have hectic lives, be glad they show up to visit you at the hospital but to expect them to help with meals, cleaning and kids is a bit much.
Hire extra help, have your dh pick up dinners or he can cook simple.
Im at home too on bedrest and never expected people to take care of my family needs, dh works harder and I do what I can to make life simpler such as online grocery orders, extra cleaning help, folding laundry on the couch ect.
I have planned c section as well with no help, its possible.
Wishing you a safe and healthy pregnancy and birth.


I was wondering along the same lines...

Not to say that this is an appropriate response but I wonder if part of their thought process is that it was your decision to have another child not theirs and they feel like they cannot take responsibility to step in whenever you need help. Very possibly. I could imagine feeling resentful this way... Especially if it is not the first time you’ve had a difficult pregnancy... something to think about from their perspective.

Hatzlacha and wishing you a healthy rest of your pregnancy and IyH baby!
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:31 pm
It’s easier to be a Gomel chessed “out there” than to do the same for family. When you do for others, you gain social Brownie points in the community at large, compliments and admiration galore. That’s a powerful incentive. When you do for family it just feels like the same old drudgery. Nobody calls you an angel
of mercy and you don’t acquire points toward the Kesser Shem Tov award in shul.


Too, when someone “out there” needs help, you can give as much or as little as you like. Bring one meal and feel bountiful, no need to do more unless you want to. You already earned your mitzvah note. But with family, who knows? Once you start you may be expected to continue. (Horrors!)

Does anyone here NOT know at least one or two people who are the local fonts of chessed who spend many hours helping others but have little or no time for their own families? Their matzevos will laud their dedication to the community. Not that many matzevos say “ she went grocery shopping for her sisters when they were sick.”
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:51 pm
Many of you are missing the point.

No I am not popping babies and expecting them to wait on me for 9 months.

Yes I understand that people can’t always help. (Although they don’t seem to understand because dh and I are always the first to be called when they need help. Even now while I’m on bedrest).

The point is that now when I actually need help, no one can.

But when I’m in the hospital, suddenly they all have all the time, money and resources (which I didn’t even ask for).
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thriver




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:40 pm
I guess the answer is “who knows?“

I just wish you strength to get through this challenge. I hope that the time passes by quickly for you and you will soon be back to being the one on the giving side.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 16 2020, 4:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It’s complicating. Don’t want to go into too much detail because people will never understand the family dynamics. The answer wasn’t a flat no but more like “I don’t have time” “I don’t have enough help”.. she has big girls at home and somehow finds the time to be the community mitzvah lady. And to make it all better, somehow dh and I are always on their speed dial for help. But I’m not going to keep expounding on this. People will never understand and I can’t change the way things are. I just have to make peace with the fact that if and when I’ll land in the hospital, suddenly everyone will have the time and resources. It’s up to me to learn not to resent them at that point.

And no. I had a very long break since the last pregnancy. And like I said, for various reasons the doctors were confident I’d have a normal pregnancy.


Hugs that sounds hard. You realize now that for whatever reason they don’t want to give in the way you need. Can you get someone to organize a meal train for you, like your shul rebetzin? We have those in my community all the time.

And I wouldn’t run and help them when they need you, but you may be a nicer person than I am!
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