Am I crazy. Not managing

peanut1

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:10 pm

So I'm not managing and I want to know if this is something I must work on or is it normal.
I only have one child and I'm working full time. But then I have to make dinner and make sure the house is clean and do laundry go shopping if necessary.
What will I do when I have more kids?
How can I feel like I'm not falling apart?

amother

Brown

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:15 pm

Is it possible to hire cleaning help?

What does your DH do? Can he help with laundry, go shopping, clean, etc.?

Can you prepare and freeze dinners on Sunday?

Also, how old is your child?

ETA: After seeing the next poster, I wanted to echo her validation of the struggle. Be kind to yourself.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:18 pm

You are not alone.
I am in my 40's my kids are much older and I have been doing this for many years. I feel the same.
Dinner is always late. My house is not nearly as clean as I would like, not to mention the pile of papers/clean laundry that needs to be put away/clean serving peices from company 3 weeks ago which are still out on my table where they were left to dry.
But B"H my kids are healthy enough, happy enough, do well enough in school, and one day will complain on this site.
For some of us, it is just normal. Nothing to feel bad about.

amother

Blue

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:27 pm

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m a newlywed with no kids yet and it’s hard without a baby in the mix.

In the olden days the women were only expected to focus on the house and kids and the men were the breadwinners. Today many woman need to work and it’s just expected that we’ll somehow do the work of two people. Just because it has become the norm doesn’t mean that it’s your obligation or that you have become superwoman. Tell yourself that you are doing great and you try to take shortcuts - don’t make fancy dinners, get non iron shirts, etc.

when I got married I explained to my husband that I’m basically out of the house the same hours as he is and I’m also head of housekeeping so he should understand that the domestic side of things can’t and will not be perfect. For those who are concerned my husband gets delicious (yet simple) lunch and dinner, laundry is always clean (once a week). I do not iron and the house is clean but it’s not always sparkling. So far my husband doesn’t do much housework because he’s cool with how things are but once the kids come yes he’ll have to help or I’ll have to cut my hours. Something has to give

amother

Ecru

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:33 pm

RachelLR wrote:

There are so many factors. You get more efficient as time goes on. You learn what works and what doesn’t. You don’t run to every sniffle your child makes. You develop routines that work for you through trial and error. Your kids gets older and help more.

Space your kids and take things one day at a time. One day. At a time.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 5:59 pm

Nope. You aren't crazy.

Everyone has different strengths, some people are more geshikt and that's just that. Kinda like having a math brain, if you're born with it then you have it, otherwise you can make do but you'll never be as good.

You need to lower your expectations and roll with the punches. Dishes stay in the sink for three days? Nu nu, just don't invite your mother in law. Supper is tuna sandwiches and cut up veggies? That's a starch, protein and veggie right there, exactly what you need.

Also, stop assuming everyone is managing. I have two under two, I work a demanding job, my husband has crazy hours and we're very involved in our community. I always get comments asking how I do it all and it makes me laugh, I'm barely holding it together and lose my cool so often. My house is a trainwreck (at least that's how it seems to me). It's comical that people think I'm holding it together. But hey, I wear lipstick every day, I wipe my kids faces before we leave the house and I use cover up under my eyes and suddenly, I'm the one with my life together. Made me realize that anyone I'm looking at who I think has everything together is probably as bad as me.

You're doing fine. Great even. Don't worry about the future kids yet. Just live now and enjoy it.

peanut1

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 7:01 pm

Good to know. I'm always wondering if maybe I just don't have the right skills to manage a house.
I know I shouldn't be basing my expectations of myself compared to other people but it's hard not knowing if either I should somehow aquire better skills or am I asking too much of myself.

Notsobusy

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 7:12 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

So true. I laugh when I remember how long it took me to prepare supper or Shabbos for just the two of us in the beginning. And then when we had our first baby I never had enough time for anything, I was always so busy with the baby and everything else that took me so long. Now I'm so much faster at everything. I can probably peel a full 5lbs of potatoes in the time it used to take to peel 3 potatoes for me and dh.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 7:26 pm

Work on your organizational skills. This is the only thing that worked for me. I watched many you give videos, read books, etc. the faster you change/ implement new habits, the smoother life will run.
I see lots of people saying ya it’s crazy it’s supposed to be - but my opinion is there’s a method to the madness and you got to learn it. Hiring more cleaning help at this point is a bandaid and won’t solve your problem long term.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 7:31 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

This is true, everyone can benefit from tips and streamlining their tasks. But we also need to recognize that it will always be busy and it's ok.

avrahamama

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 7:37 pm

Whenever someone tells me "I don't know how you do it" my answer is "I don't know what I'm doing!"

I also think in the insta and Pinterest world we have this idea that it's normal for a house to be clean nonstop with everything in it's place. My life just isn't like that.

My greatest goal is not to step on a Lego or hear "I'm hungry at 10 pm.

I took a one year break from working. And I now see that even though Im home its not any easier. A woman's job is never done.

dancingqueen

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 8:33 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

You should start having him pitch in now because otherwise it’ll be hard for him to multitask when kids come.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 8:49 pm

A very good Artscroll book is by Nechama Berg & Chaya Levine: It's About Time, The Guide to Successful Homemaking

I'm not a natural homemaker at all, but each year, year after year, I'm getting more efficient: backup freezer & freezing larger batches soups, desserts, dips, challah etc (I freeze challah braided raw, defrost Friday morning & then have fresh challah); learning to be more organized with belongings so that clean ups are faster.
I ask friends for tips...
It's enormous what we do.
Just Shabbos, it's like a non-Jews annual Thanksgiving, which we do weekly Smile