How do you get passed the hurt

amother

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:01 am

How do you get passed it when your young child says something hurtful and it feels like a punch in the stomach?
I've an anxious mom who yells when I get frustrated. I am careful to apologize to my young children, explain it has nothing to do with them and tell them I am.working on improving.
The past few weeks I have been amazing. Huge change for me, haven't yelled a single time, very patient and understanding. I see a real change in my overall parenting and im really proud.
My son and I were drawing together last night and he drew a picture of me with a frown face. I asked why I am frowning and he responded because I'm always angry. He is young and doesnt realize it's hurtful, he is just stating his truth.
But for me it felt like a punch inthe stomach since ive been working so hard. It made me start to cry.
To clarify I am not a mean angry mom who is always yelling. I am a loving mom who, when overwhelemed, yells more often than I should and looses patience.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:22 am

I think even though you’ve been making a concerted effort to change in the last few weeks, he’s referring to months, even years of what he’s remembering.

My son remembers things I did (not good ones) from many years ago.
I’ve been to therapy & have been completely different for the past 3-4 years. Once or twice he’s mentioned things from the distant past & I can’t believe it.

I also think we tend to remember more the negative, as opposed to the positive. Think it’s human nature.

lilies

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:23 am

Kids think in black and white. If you've yelled a lot for a week then you're an angry mother...
Ask him, am I angry now? Have I yelled today?
Explain how people have emotions and sometimes you yell even though it's wrong and other times you smile and so on.

Chayalle

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:34 am

OP, you sound like a really great mother and a person who really works on herself (I think that goes hand in hand. Most people have to work on themselves to be good parents.)

Applause

In terms of your question, I think children live very much in the moment, and it's very normal (and healthy) for them to express themselves - even quite bluntly. I think you can give yourself some brownie points for doing such a great job with your son - he's comfortable expressing how he saw you right then and there, with no fear of major repercussions. That means you are doing something right.

When my DD was little, I said no to a request for something - I think it was candy right before supper - and she as annoyed and told me she was going to dump me in the lake (we lived near the lake in Lakewood at that time, so I guess that was a convenient place to get rid of a Mom who was not letting her have those jellybeans right now....). I told her that was interesting. I then asked her what her plans were for a replacement Mom if I was to be disposed of...who was going to do the laundry, cook dinner, pack lunches, etc...She thought about it and informed me that she had changed her mind (how kind of her) and I could stick around some more to do those things.

I wouldn't get too offended by your son's words....however, sure, maybe make an effort to smile at him here and there...you may be rewarded with some nice artwork in the future. Smile

amother

Oak

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:36 am

You seem to be working very hard which is very commendable.
But 3 weeks out of 5-6 years is not going to change his opinion just yet, especially Seeing your sons reaction to your yelling.

But there is so much you can still do, he’s not 18 where the boat has sailed.

Keep up your great work. I’m sure if you keep the yelling down for the next few years he will definitely paint a better picture.

amother

Teal

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:41 am

Honestly, I think everyone has had a moment when their child has kind of thrown their shortcomings in their face with a big splat.

I think its not really a reflection of who you are - as an adult might use those words. Its just what was on his mind at that moment. You know you're on the right track. Just keep going.

amother

Violet

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:52 am

ITs hard.

My 5 year old said to me (as I was trying to get dinner warmed up etc) ‘when I grow up I’m not going to color with my kids either’. it cut deep. I wish I was the sort of mom to give my kid yogurt for dinner. But I’m not so no I’m not coloring with her. It definitely made me cry though

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:52 am

It sounds like you understand intellectually why you shouldn't be hurt, yet the feelings are still there. This is normal. I wonder if trying to get lots of encouragement and validation elsewhere, from other adults, would help soften the blow.

thunderstorm

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:57 am

I would actually take it as a lesson to continue working on myself . It’s my kids comments that awakened me and made me realize I need to work on myself more. I have started to practice “observing” my feelings as opposed to “reacting”. You felt like he punched you in the gut. Why? Are old memories of the past resurfacing? Do you feel like you are not good enough, no matter what you do? What REALLY is causing your adult self to feel hurt by a young child’s comments? From my own practice, I’ve come to realize that more often than not, the feelings I get now are really feelings from the past and whatever was just said or happened is actually triggering an older memory where I felt hurt and punched in the gut. Then I’m able to respond to that feeling with validation for that feeling and ask myself what I DO want to feel. And then I’d do an action to make me feel the way I want to feel now instead of the feeling that this situation brought up.

perry2020

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 9:14 am

What really helps me is to think that it wasnt a personal attack, even though they specifically said something that was targeted against me. Our kids love us and want to please us. Sometimes they are just in a bad mood for myriad of reasons that they don't always share, and lash out at mommy, cause she's the closest and safest target... I am convinced they don't mean me. I also know that as their mother I love them and even if they dislike my parenting or something I did or didn't do, they can be mad but this doesn't change who I AM. I am trying my best and kids will always have something to complain about something they don't like about our parenting. Just like I can also say, my parents didn't always fully get me or should've handled me different... Now that I have teenagers I see that this is inevitable. We need to be confident in our parenting and love our kids unconditionally. Also know that if your kid doesn't understand now, they might get it later and know that you love them deep down.

Hope you feel better...