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Mom's of all boy families - advice please
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:26 pm
I'm currently raising my family of a handful of boys. Only boys. I love it. And couldn't picture it any differently.

I'm not craving more. And I'm not particularly regretful that I don't have a girl.

I am however a little scared. Of what the future holds. I really really really want all my boys married and I of course want a healthy relationship with them and their wives and their families.

But I have this idea that there is a certain kind of closeness a mother and son have that will never be the same when they grow. And that mothers and daughters speak daily and connect more often.

So advice please! If you have only boys. What is it like once they've all flown the coop?

And if you have a mix. What's it like once your boys are grown and married.
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amother




Navy
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:34 pm
I hear your fears.
Speaking as a daughter in law of a woman who has only sons, I think she makes the best mother in law because she treats us like her daughters. But yes, that comfortable casual closeness is irreplaceable- she says she wishes she had a daughter to go to the spa with etc. She does spoil her granddaughters Smile
Life doesn't guarantee closeness with ones daughters or sons. All we can do is try our best, and focus on the relationships in front of us!
Do you have a Dh who you love and feel close to?
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm currently raising my family of a handful of boys. Only boys. I love it. And couldn't picture it any differently.

I'm not craving more. And I'm not particularly regretful that I don't have a girl.

I am however a little scared. Of what the future holds. I really really really want all my boys married and I of course want a healthy relationship with them and their wives and their families.

But I have this idea that there is a certain kind of closeness a mother and son have that will never be the same when they grow. And that mothers and daughters speak daily and connect more often.

So advice please! If you have only boys. What is it like once they've all flown the coop?

And if you have a mix. What's it like once your boys are grown and married.


Ami has a series from this topic . It was very well and nice written . U will get your answer clearly by reading that .
Its on the "mothers marrying off children how to keep a unhealthy relationship"
Just last weeks one was talking about the connection when marrying off sons . Its worth to read it . U will get your answer there.

Good luck
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:36 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
Ami has a series from this topic . It was very well and nice written . U will get your answer clearly by reading that .
Its on the "mothers marrying off children how to keep a unhealthy relationship"
Just last weeks one was talking about the connection when marrying off sons . Its worth to read it . U will get your answer there.

Good luck


* sorry mistake. How to keep HEALTHY relationships
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amother




Blush
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:38 pm
I am the mother of several boys and one girl. We are getting to the age where they are getting married. And a lot of it depends on who they marry and where they live. I have one son who chose to move out of town, and while his wife is very lovely and supportive of a good relationship, the reality is that I speak to that son less some of the others. Three of my married children live in the neighborhood right now, and I do see those more and they come almost every Shabat for a meal. So where they live is a big factor. Secondly two of my daughter in laws are close friends. That is also an important factor because they like coming together. If they didn't get along well, I would imagine that they would not come as often because they wouldn't enjoy it. I know that one of the reasons I did not enjoy time with my inlays was that one of my sister in laws was just not very nice to me or my kids. Had she been nicer perhaps it would have been a different experience.

From my experience I think that who they marry and where they live play a large role. In addition I try and make sure that coming to my house is a pleasant experience and not an inconvenience .
I make sure that I have good food, all the snacks that they like, that when they are staying over they have everything they need, diapers for the kids, laundry done etc.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:38 pm
amother [ Navy ] wrote:
I hear your fears.
Speaking as a daughter in law of a woman who has only sons, I think she makes the best mother in law because she treats us like her daughters. But yes, that comfortable casual closeness is irreplaceable- she says she wishes she had a daughter to go to the spa with etc. She does spoil her granddaughters Smile
Life doesn't guarantee closeness with ones daughters or sons. All we can do is try our best, and focus on the relationships in front of us!
Do you have a Dh who you love and feel close to?


Yes. BH my DH is a prince of a man. We enjoy each other a lot. I also am active in my community. I give shiurim. I volunteer. Etc.

But what can I say the mommy in me ... Wants to always be the mommy.

I'm very reassured by your description of your mil.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:42 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
Ami has a series from this topic . It was very well and nice written . U will get your answer clearly by reading that .
Its on the "mothers marrying off children how to keep a unhealthy relationship"
Just last weeks one was talking about the connection when marrying off sons . Its worth to read it . U will get your answer there.

Good luck


How can I get a copy of this? Do you know which issue? And who I can email to get a copy?
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amother




Turquoise
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm currently raising my family of a handful of boys. Only boys. I love it. And couldn't picture it any differently.

I'm not craving more. And I'm not particularly regretful that I don't have a girl.

I am however a little scared. Of what the future holds. I really really really want all my boys married and I of course want a healthy relationship with them and their wives and their families.

But I have this idea that there is a certain kind of closeness a mother and son have that will never be the same when they grow. And that mothers and daughters speak daily and connect more often.

So advice please! If you have only boys. What is it like once they've all flown the coop?

And if you have a mix. What's it like once your boys are grown and married.

I think in some ways boys remain closer to their mothers after they are grown than girls. They still need that mommy figure and while sometimes a wife fills that need, often she can't or doesn't want to mother her husband when he needs it, and he turns to his mother. As long as you and she both have your clearly defined roles and there are agreed-upon boundaries, I don't see a problem.

And of course you don't have to just mother your sons, you can be like a second mother to your daughters-in-law also.

I personally am a DIL to an MIL who has only sons. I am the first DIL (there's only one more and she and my BIL don't have any kids together) and in many ways we have a mother-daughter relationship. My mother was not the best, and I am much closer with my MIL than my mother. For instance MIL is usually the first to know when we're expecting, we also told her when we had miscarriages, she came to help out when one of our kids was hospitalized (planned operation), after our first was born we spent a month by MIL. We don't live near each other so more hands-on help isn't possible but we have thought seriously about moving closer. And of course DH is in contact with his parents relatively frequently, he tries to call every erev Shabbos (doesn't always work), sometimes we speak to his parents more and sometimes less but when we do speak it is always long conversations and we all wish we could see each other more often, etc.

Anon because there are too many identifying details in this post.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 12:52 pm
I also have mostly boys, one daughter. My son just married an absolutely wonderful woman. I keep my wallet open, compliments generous and give tons of love. BH we get along beautifully.
They spend an average of double the time at her family than they do at our house.
No matter what I will never be her mother and thus we will always be second fiddle.
And thus see our son less.
BH we knew this before they got married and are happy with whatever time we do spend with them.
BH my daughter and I are super close.
There really is nothing like a daughter.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:00 pm
I am also a dil to a mil with only boys.
She always says she considers me and her other dils like daughters.
All her sons are very devoted to her (in a good way) and us dils try to be as well. After all, she's the one who raised our husbands and she deserves the credit for that.
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amother




Cyan
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:10 pm
I talk to my MIL sometimes twice a week for more than 30 minutes. We somehow clique. I understand her train of thought and enjoy her intelligence. My children are somehow closer to her than some of her daughters' children.

Why compare daughters and daughters in law? Just enjoy your children (and in the future their spouses) the way they were given to you.

People are complicated and there is no default setting.
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amother




Silver
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:12 pm
I'm the oldest in a family of 8, 4 boys and 4 girls. Let me give you my perspective as the oldest and watching my siblings grow up, plus I have one girl and mostly boys myself.

I think that there's no blanket rule. Some boys always stay close to their moms and some daughters have a better relationship with their dads. I also think that a girl relies on her mother a lot for physical help, like when having a baby, or advice on household and recipes, help with shopping and so on... Of course they can be very close emotionally too and it can be very rewarding... But in my experience, my brothers come to my mother (those that live locally) much more often. My sisters and I are very busy moms with very little spare time to " run over physically". We are busy running households and want to keep a schedule. Yes, we talk to her on the phone daily, too many times to count! Sometimes she jokes that between the four of us, she needs a secretary! On the other hand my brothers just fall in so much easier and more often even for a few minutes... Before or after davening in the evening, Erev shabbos and so many other time like Erev Yom Tov when I can barely stick my nose out. Also a Mother In Law has the "choice" of how physically involved she wants to be. Whatever she gives is a bonus whereas a mother is somehow "expected" to fill in the gaps... For instance when I was in labor she watched my kids and whipped up a quick hearty meal, and came running to the hospital with it right after my baby was born... This is a lot of juggling. My MIL came a bit later with a nice gift, some goodies, and she did her duty well...

When she's in the mood of seeing my kids, she tells my husband to bring them over (If I'm too busy to go along) and they spend easy quality time.

Bottom line: A mother of boys shouldn't feel like she "loses them" when they get married if she always maintained a healthy, open relationship... You might not be needed physically so much but a busy DIL will usually not refuse help from her MIL if she wants to. So you get the better part of the deal IMO.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 1:36 pm
I have only boys but they’re still young. I will tell you that my mom is VERY close with my brothers and that they call her everyday. Me and my sister call my mom much less often. So boys can be very close with their moms.
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rosezee




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 2:14 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm currently raising my family of a handful of boys. Only boys. I love it. And couldn't picture it any differently.

I'm not craving more. And I'm not particularly regretful that I don't have a girl.

I am however a little scared. Of what the future holds. I really really really want all my boys married and I of course want a healthy relationship with them and their wives and their families.

But I have this idea that there is a certain kind of closeness a mother and son have that will never be the same when they grow. And that mothers and daughters speak daily and connect more often.

So advice please! If you have only boys. What is it like once they've all flown the coop?

And if you have a mix. What's it like once your boys are grown and married.


Dear OP,

Are you scared to be alone with DH?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 2:34 pm
rosezee wrote:
Dear OP,

Are you scared to be alone with DH?


No I'm not.

Many people tell me that I should continue trying to have a daughter because my son's will marry and leave.

So what does that mean? Is a mother of sons no longer a mother once they move on and marry?

Again, this has nothing to do with self worth. Or a missing relationship. It has to do very specifically with a part of my identity. The motherhood.

My marriage is a blessing to me. My children are also a blessing to me. I'm enjoying my life as it is now. But why do people constantly tell me how unimportant I will be to my son's eventually? Is this real?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 2:35 pm
amother [ Silver ] wrote:
I'm the oldest in a family of 8, 4 boys and 4 girls. Let me give you my perspective as the oldest and watching my siblings grow up, plus I have one girl and mostly boys myself.

I think that there's no blanket rule. Some boys always stay close to their moms and some daughters have a better relationship with their dads. I also think that a girl relies on her mother a lot for physical help, like when having a baby, or advice on household and recipes, help with shopping and so on... Of course they can be very close emotionally too and it can be very rewarding... But in my experience, my brothers come to my mother (those that live locally) much more often. My sisters and I are very busy moms with very little spare time to " run over physically". We are busy running households and want to keep a schedule. Yes, we talk to her on the phone daily, too many times to count! Sometimes she jokes that between the four of us, she needs a secretary! On the other hand my brothers just fall in so much easier and more often even for a few minutes... Before or after davening in the evening, Erev shabbos and so many other time like Erev Yom Tov when I can barely stick my nose out. Also a Mother In Law has the "choice" of how physically involved she wants to be. Whatever she gives is a bonus whereas a mother is somehow "expected" to fill in the gaps... For instance when I was in labor she watched my kids and whipped up a quick hearty meal, and came running to the hospital with it right after my baby was born... This is a lot of juggling. My MIL came a bit later with a nice gift, some goodies, and she did her duty well...

When she's in the mood of seeing my kids, she tells my husband to bring them over (If I'm too busy to go along) and they spend easy quality time.

Bottom line: A mother of boys shouldn't feel like she "loses them" when they get married if she always maintained a healthy, open relationship... You might not be needed physically so much but a busy DIL will usually not refuse help from her MIL if she wants to. So you get the better part of the deal IMO.


This is reassuring and ideal! Thank you for this.
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 2:53 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No I'm not.

Many people tell me that I should continue trying to have a daughter because my son's will marry and leave.

So what does that mean? Is a mother of sons no longer a mother once they move on and marry?

Again, this has nothing to do with self worth. Or a missing relationship. It has to do very specifically with a part of my identity. The motherhood.

My marriage is a blessing to me. My children are also a blessing to me. I'm enjoying my life as it is now. But why do people constantly tell me how unimportant I will be to my son's eventually? Is this real?


I think people say stupid things. I don't see it at all.
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naturalmom5




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 2:59 pm
It depends on the personality. My son is 24 and we are very close.
He is extremely affectionate for a boy. He never went through ant-hug phase like my 21 year old who thinks hes Rambo..

We are actually closer know than when he was younger.

Whereas, my mother ah, always treated me like an adversary and was very critical
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 3:05 pm
My DH is much closer to his mom than his sisters are so there are no guarantees in life. Definitely not something worth having more children if you dont want (also what if you have more boys?)
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tweety1




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 15 2020, 3:06 pm
I can't speak for myself yet cuz my flock of boys are still home, but I think I can speak a little abt my mil who has a flock of boys too. She has those like my hub, that she speaks to alot cuz my hub and I trust her so much and want her opinion in many things, and she has those that only call her when they need favors. It's inevitable. There's absolutely no way to know how things will turn out to be. We don't live next to in laws at all and have a very close relationship.
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