A fair approach to family gift giving

amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 12:45 pm

Im frustrated by what some in our family decided is the norm for gift giving and the rest of us all need to just shut our mouths and go with it.
For all simchas and occasions we give gifts and we do that by all contributing to an account and whenever we need to give a gift the money for the gift is taken from that account from all of us. Needless to say that account constantly needs to be replenished.
I would rather be giving me own gift on my own standards then to constantly be giving fancy knit baby sets for every baby born.
My sister just had her 10th child so thats a total of $1000 spent on each baby outfit, then theres bar mitzvas, graduation gifts, weddings, gift for parents ect.
I dont have a large family so that results in me getting fewer gifts which is fine im just getting frustrated with the high demands of gift giving with money we dont have!
I said id prefer to give my own gifts but it was argued that I wont come out ahead and I wasnt given a choice.
A relative on husband side just had a baby and I was able to give my own gift, an adorable ribbed baby set that was on sale for $15.
Im curious what other family approaches are to gift giving, looking for ideas that would work for all of us without the family getting upset with me.

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 12:58 pm

That is frustrating and I would be annoyed too. One time my siblings-in-law decided to get my mother-in-law a nice piece of furniture for her birthday and asked everyone to chip in a few hundred dollars. I was really upset, they all have a lot more money than we do. It’s nothing for them, but it was a lot for us.

zaq

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:06 pm

What a bizarre system. Maybe it made sense when they were all single and buying gifts for Mom and Dad “from all of us” but that should have died a natural death as soon as the first sib got married.

Who decides what or how much to give? Is there a standard gift (BOR-ing), does everyone vote or does the most domineering sibling make unilateral decisions?

Where is your dh in this game? He, not you, should initiate Gexit (gift exit). But brace yourself for flak: the sibs with the biggest families will be peeved. Stick to your guns. You have the right to decide what you will give and how much to spend on it. Who knows, maybe some other sibs will follow suit once you make the first radical move.

mlc

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:10 pm

zaq wrote:

Love this!

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:16 pm

I have this issue with my laws too.
We're a small family and really tight. Whenever someone had a baby (doesn't happen often, small family) I just got my own gift and if another sibling in law called I said "sorry I did my own thing already". For the one bar mitzvah we all agreed on one budget, so far was just a one time thing and none coming soon.
Issue is with occasions for my actual parents in law. Every MIL birthday every holiday they want to get her flowers or little gifts. I used to just chip in and say "whoever takes care of it decides amount" but last birthday they spent about $300 on flowers which came up to over $75 each. I had originally said OK to up to $50, and that was thinking for an actual gift, not flowers that die after a week. Now my FIL 50th birthday is coming up and since we didn't do much for his past few birthdays they want to get him a silver atara for about $2500 plus a new talis and talis bag, for a total of over 3k, which is $800 for each of us. Really not super happy about it, but since it's DH's father & his family I'm letting him decide and deal with it. It would be coming out of our emergency fund and I really dislike the idea but I'm not ready to cause shalom bayis or family issues over it.
My mom's family used to pool together for one gift but when the family got bigger and people had similar complaints to you they all just started doing their own gifts.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Of course you have a choice! It’s all about you making choices that are good for you and sticking by them. Stop this nonsense that doesn’t work for you and stick to your guns. Gifts you give should be at your discretion and your own choice, not anyone else’s.

amother

Orange

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:21 pm

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

Just say no (but in a nice way). No one should be taking emergency money to buy a luxury gift

amother

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:33 pm

zaq wrote:

Thank you for this, im trying to see how absurd this is but unfortunately I am the only one having this issue.
Yes there is one big mouth opinionated one who makes all the decisions and all the rest kiss up to her and follow her blindly. I am the only other one that really has an opinion but being that im the only one who really disagrees they would talk behind my back and judge if I made a issue. There are others with no money but afraid to speak up and when miss opinionated speaks up they all hear her point and agree. Im kind of bullied into this.
My dh has voiced his opinion many times and recently said we are not replenishing the account again, he thinks its insane and I fully agree.
I was interested in hearing other ideas that I can approach them with.

amother

Jade

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:50 pm

Our family is poor so not many gifts

Bar mitzvah - everyone gives $10 toward earings
Bar mitzvah - everyone gives $20 toward sefarim and makes something for the simcha.
Wedding - we make a home made sheva brachos together + $10 toward engagement present.
Baby - first baby only - $10-20 gift. (Now for nieces and nephews kids too)

By the first wedding or bar mitzvah ppl wanted to give more but I’m glad we didn’t start with that. We can easily have multiple a year. (This year 4 bar mitzvah, 2 bas mitzvah and 1 wedding and 4 babies - 2 nieces and 2 great nieces). Bh it’s busy.

SixOfWands

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I actually like the idea of everyone contributing towards a gift, depending on the sum. In fact, my friends and I usually do chip in on engagement and baby gifts. But if the sum that they want is above what you want to (or can) spend, just tell them. Or say that you've decided to gift on your own.

Still, I need to ask. "$1000 spent on each baby outfit"? Is that a typo, or do they seriously spend $1,000 on a single outfit? And can you post photos?

allthingsblue

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:14 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I think she meant $100 on each outfit, x 10 (amount of kids her sister has) = $1000 spent on baby outfits.

Op, I think you need to stand firm and speak your mind (politely).

nechamashifra

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Next time it's time for a gift, just casually mention that you're out. No need to defend yourself. If asked or nagged, just keep repeating that group gifting is not your thing. Them talking behind your back is not your business. Let them....and then what?

SixOfWands

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:29 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

I think she meant $100 on each outfit, x 10 (amount of kids her sister has) = $1000 spent on baby outfits.

Op, I think you need to stand firm and speak your mind (politely).

I was hoping that, although I still think that $100 for an outfit that the baby will pee, poop and spit up on is absurd. But I've long since come to the conclusion that most women here would have looked askance at my babies in their Carters stretchies.

keym

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 2:50 pm

We do joint gifts for bar/bas mitzva on both sides of the family.
Total $100 or so, divided comes out as 10-12 per sibling.
But it's a catch 22. So many people giving together, want it not to appear cheap, but want to stay in budget.

We talked about it for around 5 seconds to do joint baby gifts. We decided against because most of us would rather buy our own cheap/on sale stuff to give. But I also subscribe to the idea that with babies, there's no such thing as too many cheap stretchies.

Sometimes we'll chip in to send a cake or candy platter to some out of town relative, but we ask each other how much everyone wants to spend.

zaq

Thu, Jan 16 2020, 4:56 pm

[quote="amother [ OPThere are others with no money but afraid to speak up and when miss opinionated speaks up they all hear her point and agree. Im kind of bullied into this.
.[/quote]

Channel your inner Spartacus, or the hero of your choice. Remember in HS how no one wanted to be the first to hand in an exam paper and they’d sit around waiting till one brave soul went up and then everyone else did? Be that brave soul. Meet with the other sisters and present a united front. If you all secede at the same time, there will be nothing for the “balebossy” to say. It’s time her reign of terror ended.