Can I use the money for something else?

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:40 pm

For chanukah, my mil sent me a very large check. She wrote in the card that it is to go towards our house projects. We had been planning a big project, but it fell through, and I'm relieved it did. There is what to spend the money on, and I'm happy to spend most of it on the house.

BUT---I really need a new sheitel. My only good one is over 13 years old. (I wore it thru 3 bar mitzvahs and 5 weddings. BH.) Can I delegate some of this money from nil towards a new sheitel? Or do I need to spend it all on the house?

amother

Violet

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:46 pm

Can you ask her.
I didn’t marry off kids yet, but I think it would bother me if my dil went and spent it when I specifically said home project.

amother

Natural

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:48 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I say yes.

How can you say that? Her sil specifically said what she wanted it spent on. To do otherwise is geneivas hadaas. At the very least she should be asked if it’s ok to spend on something else.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:51 pm

If you already spent a nice chunk on home Reno. Consider that money a part of it. Now take the money you retroactively saved and buy the wig?

I definitely wouldn’t being it up with her.

thunderstorm

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:51 pm

I would ask. My mother also requests that I use her monetary check for specific things. She recently asked me what I ended up purchasing with it. She wants to make sure it’s going to “good use” , whatever that means to HER. Not necessarily what I would refer to as good use. But if I’m not sure , I’d ask. I have a feeling your MIL will say yes , but if she doesn’t then you know she really doesn’t want you to use the money for that and it will make you feel comfortable knowing that you made the right decision.

lilies

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:53 pm

Are you not spending any of your own money on your house? Buy a sheitel with your money and spend her money on the house.
Some parents give with the intention to give. It's not so much on where the money actually goes.

amother

Puce

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:08 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

How can you say that? Her sil specifically said what she wanted it spent on. To do otherwise is geneivas hadaas. At the very least she should be asked if it’s ok to spend on something else.

I'm curious if you've actually gotten this psak. I really wonder if halacha supports this. The money wasn't given on conditon, it was given as a gift. I've never personally had this situation (hah, would that people would give me money Wink

) but I really wonder. I would think that once someone gives you money, it's yours and they have no place to tell you what to spend it on.

(Obviously not talking about a situation where someone asks for monetary help for something like desperately needed medical treatments then decided to splurge on a diamond jewelery instead)

amother

Silver

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 9:37 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

It's more about decency than actual halacha here. I don't know the halacha but if her MIL specified something in particular, the right thing to do is ask.

trixx

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:04 pm

But mil could have just been using the house project as a cop out that's classier than an Amazon gift card or envelope of cash. So maybe she honestly wouldn't care and would have just as soon given to you for a wig, had she known you need/want one. Basically it kind of depends on her and how you think she'd react.

Bleemee

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:41 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Best is to ask ur mil. If it's her maaser money she wants to make sure shes giving it to a specific cause not for splurging.

Maaser money?

baltomom

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:41 pm

Just another thought on why your MIL may have said that's what the money was for:
My understanding is that if you are given a monetary gift, you are mechuyav to give maaser from it, BUT if you are given a monetary gift earmarked for a specific purpose, you do not have to give maaser from it. ie. if your MIL would have just given you the $, you'd have to give maaser, but since she said "Here is $ for xyz" you can use the full amount. (Not sure if that changes if you use the $ for s/t else.)

In any case, I think you should run it by her before spending it on s/t else.

amother

Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:56 pm

baltomom wrote:

Definitely not for maaser reasons. mil is not shomer shabbos and doesn't follow anything.
We get along fine, but I don't want to put her on the spot by asking her directly if I can use some of the money for a shaitel. She knows I cover my hair, accepts it, but probably doesn't really understand it.

Guess I'll ask DH to ask her how she feels about it.