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Long rant: MIL bringing BF to stay
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 9:33 pm
Today my husband announced to me that my MIL, who is planning to visit for nearly a month when I’m due/postpartum, will also be bringing her long-term BF with her. They’re coming from Israel and staying WITH US.

Super quick back story: my MIL has been dating this guy for a few years. She is a widow, and I’m trying to be understanding that she doesn’t want to be alone at this point in her life (she’s only mid-50s). But in her descriptions to me this relationship has always been on-and-off.

In the one time I’ve met him, I found him to be extremely annoying - overly loud and obnoxious, someone I did not enjoy being around. Well, my husband visited Israel last month and apparently ended up finally getting along with the BF. My MIL always told me that if he came to visit, he’d stay in a hotel or they’d stay in one together. So to get the news that she just decided they are coming together and staying with us, NO asking on my part if it’s okay, if it will be comfortable for me since I’ll be IYH recovering from childbirth, it’ll also be Pesach time... I’m flabbergasted.

I’m just taken aback by this, so I am honestly asking: am I going overboard? Am I out of line? Should I be more open and understanding? Yes my MIL has been with this guy for a while, but to me he is an annoying stranger, essentially... and he’s going to be in my house for nearly a month. It just sounds so absurd I can’t get over it. Please - someone give me advice on how to deal. And yes, I’ve expressed this frustration to my husband who’s only answer was that he’ll try to entertain them or make them useful as much as possible, something I can’t count on because he says he’ll do that every time is mother visits, but mostly he goes to work and leaves her home with me.
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sarlal




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 9:37 pm
bshaa tovah!!

I don't think you're being crazy at all, especially since you're being realistic about your postpartum environment. also, how on earth will your kids react to having this guy around? it's really not ok that she didn't even ask first. and pesach on top of it all! not ok. you're 100% right.

but what to do about it...
your husband should be the one to talk with her, and if he cant then you need to. this will be awful postpartum for you and that's the last thing you need...and you dont need shalom bayis issues chas vshalom. and I figured your dh wouldn't be around much bc he'll be working Sad

my suggestion is to address this asap. do this for you because you're worth it.
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amother




Plum
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 9:47 pm
"MIL, I'm so excited that you will be coming! DH is going to arrange a beautiful hotel room nearby, so we'll all be comfortable. I'm not always at my best right around birth and I want to make sure you don't feel like you are in my way. DH has some great trips planned for when you come, I can't wait!"
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Imma'le




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 9:50 pm
Ouch! This is one of those situations that doesn’t have a perfect solution, may be unpleasantness regardless, so I’d say choose what’s going to cause you the least stress and unpleasantness.
If this was a short visit for a Shabbos or a Simcha, it might have been sensible to suck it up and not make a big deal. But a month, postpartum? You should be the priority here. I think asking for him to stay home or at a hotel while your MIL stays with you, may offend them if they consider themselves a couple. But there’s nothing wrong with asking them to stay at a hotel nearby. You can say it’s too many people in the house, you don’t think you could handle that at that stage. Something that doesn’t specifically say, “I can’t stand the guy...”

Hope this works out, בשעה טובה
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 9:53 pm
sorry but no just no
you can be wonderfully understanding while telling your husband that you just cannot commit to host MIL and BF for a month at the time you are due/postpartum/and prePesach. (this would be true even if you loved the BF!)
(and it is not an okay example for your children)
Particularly since she has told you that if they came they would stay in a hotel I would totally make that the rule with a hardline on it. Id say it super nice and like sure everyone will understand. You and the new baby are the priority and thats pretty much all that matters. (don't get me started that no one asked you....please speak up now).
Bshaah Tovah!
hatzlocha
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amother




Jade
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 9:56 pm
I’d flip out.

I think this is one of those times it’s ok to tell DH that this isn’t ok, isn’t comfortable, isn’t sane and that he needs to protect you and to deal with it.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:13 pm
An unmarried couple can't share a room in your home. Very bad example for children.
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chestnut




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:19 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
An unmarried couple can't share a room in your home. Very bad example for children.

Children don't need to know they're GF/BF. They could be told they're married. It's the least of all problems.
Is this the first time they're coming together for an extended stay?
What if it were your husband's father?
As others have said, your comfort is the priority, but you have to be smart about the way you present it.
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amother




Ecru
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:43 pm
if it was her husbands father it wouldnt be stranger. shed know him from the day she got married.
This is a boyfriend. totally not related to her. not even the kids zaidy.

Id go absolutely bonkers.
absolutely not. You do not need to host an essential stranger to you for a month!! That is insane.
and they themselves are not even married? If they were married it would be one thing- you cant exactly split up a couple just because you are comfortable with one spouse and not the other.
but theyre not even married?
no way.
and what the hek? theyre not married and staying in the same room? are they frum?
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:43 pm
chestnut wrote:
Children don't need to know they're GF/BF. They could be told they're married. It's the least of all problems.
Is this the first time they're coming together for an extended stay?
What if it were your husband's father?
As others have said, your comfort is the priority, but you have to be smart about the way you present it.


This.

Don’t get started with you do or don’t like him. Just I’m not comfortable with having male company when I’m pp. (I need my privacy...). Or MIL I love you and I’m so comfortable with you, but I don’t share that level of comfort with BF YET (legitimizing their relationship, it’s not on you to analyze- if she wants you to treat it as serious respect that) so we need to figure out other arrangements. Either a shorter solo visit or another place to stay....
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Petra




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:02 pm
OP
You have every right to insist she not expect you to house them. If you want to maintain some relationship then her staying at your house with a BF for a month, while you are post partum, will put that to an end. At least it would in my house! And there is the BF situation. A stranger, non-married, staying at my house for a month? No way. And then you add on the personality difficulties. It's just asking for trouble. It's not going to end well for anyone.
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Notsobusy




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:08 pm
I wouldn't let anyone stay at my house for a month, even if I wasn't postpartum, but especially not when I am. Not even my mother who I have an amazing relationship with and who would be a great help.

I wouldn't even agree to have them stay in a local hotel for a month, because that means they'll be based in your house and always hanging around.

OP, for the sake of your sanity you are going to have to be strong about this now so that it doesn't become a big problem.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:27 pm
Thanks for legitimizing my fears and for the well-worded advice. My husband is acting like it’s no big deal and like “well, what am I supposed to say now”. I asked him if he really didn’t know before today if this visit was planned, and he mentioned that during his visit to his mother’s last month, she asked how he would feel if the BF came to visit sometime with her, and since they were getting along, he said he was ok with it. Apparently they took this to mean that him joining her on this extended visit after I give birth is just fine. I asked him “why, of any time of year, out of any potential visit, does THIS need to be the first one”. I’m so shocked mostly at my husband because he’s not a pushover at all, but he’s taking this situation too lightly, and clearly putting his mom’s feelings before mine. In a simple situation I would let it go, but it seems he’s not interested in sticking up for me now. So disappointed.
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SYA




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:10 am
OP, your DH has to speak up to his mom whether he really wants to or not. If he really won't, then you've got to do it.

When you go into labor, or are post partum, you need your space. You don't want to be entertaining strange men.
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forgetit




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:18 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for legitimizing my fears and for the well-worded advice. My husband is acting like it’s no big deal and like “well, what am I supposed to say now”. I asked him if he really didn’t know before today if this visit was planned, and he mentioned that during his visit to his mother’s last month, she asked how he would feel if the BF came to visit sometime with her, and since they were getting along, he said he was ok with it. Apparently they took this to mean that him joining her on this extended visit after I give birth is just fine. I asked him “why, of any time of year, out of any potential visit, does THIS need to be the first one”. I’m so shocked mostly at my husband because he’s not a pushover at all, but he’s taking this situation too lightly, and clearly putting his mom’s feelings before mine. In a simple situation I would let it go, but it seems he’s not interested in sticking up for me now. So disappointed.

I would feel so hurt, and so mad.
Please tell him that he obviously didn't understand what this entails, but now that you're telling him how things really are, he must tell her that you can't have them.
And I echo what others said. If he won't, you say it. Don't let them stay with you, and then resent it for a full 4 weeks.
It can be a bit awkward to go back on what DH said, but not at all the end of the world. Its very, very understandable that a woman after birth doesn't want extra house guests. Even if your MIL is hurt at first (which she may not be) I believe she'll get over it.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:11 am
Oysh, NO, just NO!

I can see so many problems with this. How can you waddle around the house in your bathrobe? What if you want to uncover your hair? What if he talks too loud and wakes up you, the baby, or your other kids? What if he expects you to get up and make breakfast in the morning? Does he keep kosher? Is there a chance he'll get your kelim mixed up and treif up your kitchen?

What if the other kids are all in school, DH is at work, and MIL wants to run out to the store? Then you have yichud problems if the BF is hanging around the house taking a nap or reading the newspaper. Do you wake him up and tell him he has to go to the store with MIL, because he can't be there alone with you? (OK, your DH is at work and could be home any minute, but still, it's awkward on so many levels.)

Over all, you're going to want to rest, and not be the "cruise director" of their vacation. If you're anything like me, you'll feel guilty if you're not being a good hostess - even if you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I just have way too many questions about all of this, and at the same time you are bringing a new little person into the world. It's too much to ask of you. Entirely too much.

Please have your DH read this thread, and he'll see what "No big deal" looks like to women.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:14 am
Especially after birth when you need to go to the toilet at night etc, I wouldnt want to dress every time. Use stuff like this, say also you're exhausted etc. One month is too long anyway. Shorter, if he respects rules and pretends t obe married, that's diff imvho though I don't like the IDEA
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:32 am
I think your husband should just say that you need your space and privacy after birth while you are recuperating.
is your mom coming to help you after birth? Are they coming in to join the simcha/party?
You can cut it short then. Say her mom will be helping her postpartum/or she hired help, so we will just get you a place to stay for the bris or kiddush so you can join the simcha, but no need to stay longer for helping because we set up help for her already.
Also you can use the timing, Pesach is a hard timing & it's too much for her to host guests at such a hectic timing especially after birth.
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Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:37 am
I know what you mean as far as having a man in the house PP.

DHs dad always loves to come after a birth. I like him very much, but I don't want him around then. We welcome him anyway, because we love and respect him, but last time we found him a place nearby to stay.

I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't like him.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:41 am
If you want to host like olden times, you need to be like olden times, used to this. Some truly are. I am not.
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