Long rant: MIL bringing BF to stay

imasinger

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:54 am

Normally, this would be best from DH, but since he's not willing to step up to the plate right now, as I see it, you have two choices.

1. Keep talking to DH until he understands your limits and the reasons for them. Help him see that he will need to plan to take that entire time off work, help you make Pesach, and also be Chief Entertainment Officer whenever the situation gets too much for you postpartum. And if he can't do all that, there need to be other arrangements. Look for an Airbnb nearby; for longer term, it may be cheaper than a hotel.

2. Talk to MIL yourself. Lovingly explain what can and can't work for you, and why. Find out her own history -- did she ever host family guests over Pesach when postpartum? Then, you offer the alternatives that could work -- a shorter visit, a different time for the BF to come, a different place to stay.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Olive

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:44 am

exactly!
it is totally normal to have DH or yourself tell MIL you are thrilled she/they want to come etc...however, DH did not realize the timing postpartum etc so if they choose to come then you will be happy to help them make arrangements for a hotel/apt. etc.
DH telling MIL she can bring BF to visit definitely does not translate into any time for any length of stay.
And they are on their own -- you will be busy with newborn and DH will be busy helping you and the kids etc. -- Id say it nicely like just to make sure everyones expectations are clear. Like you would love for you and DH to be more available but giving the timing it won't really be possible. That gives them a needed heads up so they can make their plans accordingly.
There is plenty of time to make the necessary changes.
Please be proactive don't let time elapse and be passive like someone else can just announce or call the shots.
In best case scenario they just don't realize and/or will appreciate clarity from your end given over warmly.
The other does not work. Healthy boundaries and speaking up when necessary do.
You are doing this for your new baby to be as much as for yourself and the rest of your immediate family.

(and I would not lie to the kids or allow anyone else to lie about marriage status either -- the truth comes out eventually and trust and your relationship with your kids is priority #1 -- also takes too much energy to conceal the truth especially when not necessary or advised to do so! and then what you let MIL and BF know to maintain that lie to your kids...?!)

also -- no one really knows exactly how each birth and recovery will go -- I would not want to take on anything extra at that time-- though IY"H everything will go very smoothly

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:57 am

Please be clear about your needs even if there is a hotel involved. IME, sometimes when the guest is in a hotel, they show up to your house in the morning for breakfast and don't leave until they are going to bed (which may be after you go to bed.) Since they don't have a room to retire to during the day, they park themselves on a chair or couch in the main living area and stay. I assume you don't want him there if you need to nurse and still interact with others, etc.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:44 am

Im 6 weeks postpartum. As much as I remember what it was like wheb pregnant 2b postpartum, I didnt. The 1st 2 weeks, people came to drop off food, and I couldnt waot for them to leave cuz I was SOO TIRED. And family came to visit and overstayed byban hour and I was sooo tired. And angry. I wish I opened my mouth
OP, as hard as it to open your mouth, for the sake of future relaitionships with your mil and her bf, please say something to them! Postpartum , youl be much more hormonal, tured , uncomfortable , and angrier..

amother

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:09 am

Ruchel wrote:

ooof do people do that

Yep, I guess in his family they do. I remember him telling me how the entire family (extended too) came at once to the hospital to visit my SIL, the day after she had twins (and a c-section). I asked him how she could’ve possibly been okay with that, and he said she wasn’t, but basically that to tell them not to come would be rude. So apparently in his family the underlying message is, let everyone do what they want otherwise YOU’RE the bad guy for speaking up.

momofone613

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 1:31 pm

I know everyone has covered this, but I'm so irritated for u have to "day something".

First, ur absolutely not wrong.! I think hosting anyone while post partem, AND by pesach!!!!, Is so wrong. And ur MIL I think should have thought of that. She should have at least asked, not TOLD u her plans!!!

And like others said, if ur husband doesn't say something, u have every right to tell her urself. U can be respectful, but firm. That u need to be able to walk around as u please post partum without needing to cover up. That ur nervous u won't be able to be a good host, and it will be too much stress. Don't leave it for interpretation, say it's not possible at that time.

Something should be said to them ASAP.

amother

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:24 pm

For everyone who is commenting that it’s not fair for me to have to “host” them - my husband sees it as my MIL being here as a help. He says she’ll cook everything so it’s like balancing out everything. Except I have to babysit in my kitchen bc she’s not familiar with it. In a way she’s a help, yes, she cooks. But she doesn’t speak English. She can’t fully interact with my kids, she doesn’t keep Shabbat and chagim so she’ll sneak off to her room to play on her phone. She also doesn’t drive so she can’t help by running to the store or picking up my kids from school. This is all stuff I’ve covered with my husband many times over the years, and he’s claimed to see my point. But clearly not. Your responses are giving me chizuk but I just need to formulate a way to deal with this...

nechamashifra

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:40 pm

I wouldn't want my mil over for more than 10 days never mind a whole month. Add the postpartum and the boyfriend and this is just so off the charts ludicrous, I wouldn't even discuss it.
Let your dh know that unless he cancels this mad idea today, you'll have to call your mil yourself.
Also, show him all our posts and if that doesn't make him see the light, ask him to conduct a poll at his work, Shul, community centre or anywhere in the normal world.

amother

Olive

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:42 pm

Right so Id say to DH something like "you are so right your mother could be an amazing help with cooking and it is SO NICE she wants to come and visit and help BUT simply won't work at this time won't work when I am postpartum...Simply PP I need my space and cannot have anyone here. Not MIL. Not her BF. I am so sorry it won't work at this time. I would LOVE to have them visit (not stay together while unmarried etc in your home) almost any other time.
PERIOD.
Again you can be as super accommodating as you want all the time but PP the MOTHER gets to CHOOSE what is best for HER and BABY.

Would love to...can't ....won't work.

You really have to set this rule the sooner the better.

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Plum

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:00 pm

If you ask a Rav, and he points out that since MIL is not Shomer Shabbos she actually CAN'T cook unless one of you helps her... maybe it will help him realize that it's not that much help.

But even if you can't convince him, this is really a nonstarter. She CANNOT come and stay in your house for such a long time and such a sensitive time.

Yes, it's hard to be the one to let your mother down, and I feel for DH. But this is likely to end VERY badly if you give in.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Today my husband announced to me that my MIL, who is planning to visit for nearly a month when I’m due/postpartum, will also be bringing her long-term BF with her. They’re coming from Israel and staying WITH US.

Super quick back story: my MIL has been dating this guy for a few years. She is a widow, and I’m trying to be understanding that she doesn’t want to be alone at this point in her life (she’s only mid-50s). But in her descriptions to me this relationship has always been on-and-off.

In the one time I’ve met him, I found him to be extremely annoying - overly loud and obnoxious, someone I did not enjoy being around. Well, my husband visited Israel last month and apparently ended up finally getting along with the BF. My MIL always told me that if he came to visit, he’d stay in a hotel or they’d stay in one together. So to get the news that she just decided they are coming together and staying with us, NO asking on my part if it’s okay, if it will be comfortable for me since I’ll be IYH recovering from childbirth, it’ll also be Pesach time... I’m flabbergasted.

I’m just taken aback by this, so I am honestly asking: am I going overboard? Am I out of line? Should I be more open and understanding? Yes my MIL has been with this guy for a while, but to me he is an annoying stranger, essentially... and he’s going to be in my house for nearly a month. It just sounds so absurd I can’t get over it. Please - someone give me advice on how to deal. And yes, I’ve expressed this frustration to my husband who’s only answer was that he’ll try to entertain them or make them useful as much as possible, something I can’t count on because he says he’ll do that every time is mother visits, but mostly he goes to work and leaves her home with me.

You’re not being unreasonable, and you have A right to expect a certain standard in your home. It’s totally inappropriate for your MIL to be shlepping around with a guy without the benefit of marriage, which isn’t your business,, but allowing them to stay at your home and flaunt this inappropriate relationship is your business! On top of the fact that you’ll be recovering from just giving birth and don’t need any extra stress or discomfort.
Just have your do tell them you’d feel more comfortable if he or they stay in a hotel.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:27 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

"MIL, I'm so excited that you will be coming! DH is going to arrange a beautiful hotel room nearby, so we'll all be comfortable. I'm not always at my best right around birth and I want to make sure you don't feel like you are in my way. DH has some great trips planned for when you come, I can't wait!"

That leaves it open to her responding, “don’t worry, I won’t feel like I’m in the way! I’ll help!” The husband must be direct.