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Long rant: MIL bringing BF to stay
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:28 pm
chestnut wrote:
Children don't need to know they're GF/BF. They could be told they're married. It's the least of all problems.
Is this the first time they're coming together for an extended stay?
What if it were your husband's father?
As others have said, your comfort is the priority, but you have to be smart about the way you present it.


You’re advocating lying to their kids? Not good advice. At all.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:40 pm
Update: I just tried to explain myself to my husband... again. He keeps twisting words around saying “I don’t think it’s right to tell her she’s not wanted”
And I have to keep repeating myself that SHE was never the problem, but the fact that she said BF is coming and NOBODY asked me, my husband didn’t even say “hang on, let me discuss it with my wife first” is inexcusable. It ended with me screaming at him and leaving the house because I feel like he’s just gaslighting me. Just won’t stop turning this around to not be a problem. I even told him I understand if BF wanted to come for, say a week, even though it’s not ideal, but I would handle it. Didn’t anyone consider that a 3week+ stay would be something to mention to me? I’m literally shaking right now. He will not talk to her, he made it clear, and wants me to take “the fall” and be the bad guy, which I can promise that in my MIL’s world, I will never live down and I’ll be the bad guy forever.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:51 pm
Can you frame it as : you intend to nurse and can’t stay covered. There are no men other than dh allowed in the house till baby’s at least a month old
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 5:54 pm
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
Can you frame it as : you intend to nurse and can’t stay covered. There are no men other than dh allowed in the house till baby’s at least a month old


Tried that. I asked him if he had considered that I’ll feel trapped in our bedroom most of the time. That I want to breastfeed, walk around in a ponytail, or wear my super comfy Old Navy yoga pants that I always live in postpartum. He had no reaction.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:28 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Tried that. I asked him if he had considered that I’ll feel trapped in our bedroom most of the time. That I want to breastfeed, walk around in a ponytail, or wear my super comfy Old Navy yoga pants that I always live in postpartum. He had no reaction.


No reaction is better than shooting it down. Keep bringing this point up. (I would start the half dressed thing now and emphasize that this is how you plan on dressing postpartum ) and you’re not sure how it’ll work kicking bf out so you can come out or leaving dh to totally run the house since you’ll be stuck in the bedroom
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:54 pm
Update again:
Just walked into our office to see “Purchase Complete” on our computer screen. He ordered their tickets.
G-d help him.
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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:59 pm
OP this is such a frustrating situation. Would it be so bad to tell her they can't stay with you? What are the real repercussions?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:02 pm
hodeez wrote:
OP this is such a frustrating situation. Would it be so bad to tell her they can't stay with you? What are the real repercussions?


My husband’s family is excruciatingly “primitive” as they put it in Hebrew. To ask them to go somewhere else is basically asking me to be outcast of the family for the rest of my life. Now, when they get here, if they actually feel comfortable will be another story. We’ll see.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:08 pm
I’m tempted to say book a hotel room and tell them they can choose who’s going because you need space. At this point though just drop it for the most part and once it calms down mention to your husband how much you’re dreading it and why. And let him problem solve.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:19 pm
I have a difficult mother. One year I was due less than two weeks before Pesach. I called my mother's Rov (he was my Rov before I got married) because he knows her and knows the situation without long explanations.

"A baby, Pesach and your mother? Absolutely not!" was his reply. Maybe two out of three, but never all three.

OP, does your DH have a rov or rebbe or rosh yeshiva he respects? Time to call in reinforcements! (And if he left the screen open, I personally would CANCEL THE TICKETS!)
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amother
Plum


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:31 pm
My blood is boiling for you, OP.

I'd reserve the hotel room based on the ticket dates. And leave the window open for him.

And a little note that says, "I know our Shalom Bayis is important to you, and I still want to have a relationship with DMIL after their visit. So I've arranged a better place for them to stay. Love you!"
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:42 pm
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
I have a difficult mother. One year I was due less than two weeks before Pesach. I called my mother's Rov (he was my Rov before I got married) because he knows her and knows the situation without long explanations.

"A baby, Pesach and your mother? Absolutely not!" was his reply. Maybe two out of three, but never all three.

OP, does your DH have a rov or rebbe or rosh yeshiva he respects? Time to call in reinforcements! (And if he left the screen open, I personally would CANCEL THE TICKETS!)


Absolutely time to get his rav involved.
Or a very good freind who knows how to get through to him.
I had this with my mother. And I was not a kimpeturin and no little children. My answer was sorry but you cannot come with BF not even a question. I am not comfortable with you in same room as him and not comfortable with the situation.
And you are saying they aren’t shomer shabbos!
You might not have a choice whether they come or not - but you can put your foot down as to where they stay. A basement or short term rental or hotel but NOT in your house.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:44 pm
Good luck Op.
I hope you have your own ensuite bathroom in the master. Id go buy a small refrigerator like from Target and put it in your room and start setting everything up making it clear you are not going to be leaving your room much. Your kids can come in and visit you there. DH can put them to bed and do whatever else they need outside of your room.
Since it sounds like you are taking him at his word then I would start hammering out the details for him to be in charge of grocery shopping/driving/carpool/meals for the kids/ and whatever else you, the baby, and the kids need. And be like one of those new moms who basically rests, relaxes in bed, and diapers and nurses the baby. Just take care of you and baby.
If he is saying this is how it has to be and you are going along with it then I would do whatever I can to set the expectations and make DH do everything. Particularly as you are going to be super exhausted more than with any other baby. Oh well.


(on a completely separate note he also doesn't care about the example it sets for your kids?)
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:09 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Update again:
Just walked into our office to see “Purchase Complete” on our computer screen. He ordered their tickets.
G-d help him.


Wow! I can't believe he did that right after you tried discussing it with him. Is he usually like this?

If I were you I would definitely be the bad guy. Your mil might not forgive you for it, but if you let them come you might not forgive your husband which would be a whole lot worse. Please try to find someone who can reason with your husband. But if he won't be convinced you will have to call her yourself.

I've BTDT, different scenario, but we had a situation where something had to be told to my fil, and my husband refused to be the one to have the conversation with him. My fil was not happy with me, and we don't have a great relationship since then, but at least I was able to avoid the bigger problems the situation would have caused to my marriage.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:22 pm
ITA with involving a rav. ASAP.

Given where things stand at the moment, you'll have to consider whether it makes more sense to take a stand, even though there will be a cost to the relationship, or to find ways to survive within the situation.

Ways to survive:

- Hire cleaning help. Lots of it.

- Make sure that others in your community cook for you, especially for Pesach, and that your MIL and friend don't ever bring a single item of food into your home over Pesach. Period, full stop. Not "unless you approve it", not "unless it has a good Pesach hechsher". Not a single thing. Not formula, not food for themselves. Nada.

- Can you set "visiting hours" like a hospital? Anything outside of that, you stay in your bedroom if needed. DH is in charge of bringing you what you need.

- Have childcare help for your other kids. Someone you can trust, who will understand them and tend to their needs.

- What can MIL (and friend) do that actually might be helpful? Have a good list. Keep them busy with tasks you can have them do. Buying diapers. Setting up a bassinet. Making trips to the library to replenish reading material for you. Taking kids on an outing (you pack the food). Whatever.

- Find some friends who will offer to do things with them. Get them out of your hair when possible.

- Consider a Pesach hotel for all. Will they help pay?

If all this seems less overwhelming than dealing with cancelling their tickets, there you have it.


Last edited by imasinger on Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:28 pm
Did he book it before you spoke to him or after?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:30 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
Good luck Op.
I hope you have your own ensuite bathroom in the master. Id go buy a small refrigerator like from Target and put it in your room and start setting everything up making it clear you are not going to be leaving your room much. Your kids can come in and visit you there. DH can put them to bed and do whatever else they need outside of your room.
Since it sounds like you are taking him at his word then I would start hammering out the details for him to be in charge of grocery shopping/driving/carpool/meals for the kids/ and whatever else you, the baby, and the kids need. And be like one of those new moms who basically rests, relaxes in bed, and diapers and nurses the baby. Just take care of you and baby.
If he is saying this is how it has to be and you are going along with it then I would do whatever I can to set the expectations and make DH do everything. Particularly as you are going to be super exhausted more than with any other baby. Oh well.


(on a completely separate note he also doesn't care about the example it sets for your kids?)



This ^ is basically what’s going to happen. We had a calm conversation a bit ago, and I explained my feelings again - how I had PPD after my last child and I’m terrified of it happening again while also dealing with someone I dislike in my house. How he and his mother disrespected me but not including me in even a discussion. My husband has a younger sister who gets babied by my MIL even though she’s married and a mother. I mentioned if HER MIL showed up with her BF after she gave birth, oh there would be hell to pay... my husbands mother would go ballistic. I expressed all of my other feelings, including points some of you ladies brought up. His point of view, was that he felt it would be worse to just say “no” from the beginning of the discussion and that it would be easier to manage things after they got here. I’m married to a very intelligent man, but today I told him I lost respect for him for his inability to stand up for common sense.

In the end, it’s understood that my husband will be in charge of dealing with them and my other kids. BH I have a master bathroom and I plan on holing up with my Roku TV, snacks, baby stuff, etc and I will order groceries on Instacart and manage my home the way I see fit from my bed. Anything else is on my husband and maybe he’ll think smarter next time. I don’t know what else to say at this point. He said he wanted to be respectful to his mother because, even though he personally doesn’t like seeing them together, he is forced to recognize they are “partners in life“. I told him by not including me in the decision he ignore his own partner in life, and I won’t forget that.

Thanks for sharing your opinions and being “on my side” throughout this saga. Bottom line is I only care about a healthy birth and baby IYH, so please daven for that and I will just have to hope everything else will work itself out one way or the other.
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SYA




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:31 pm
Please call your Rov ASAP!
He needs to talk to your dh NOW!
Many tickets have a 24 hour no penalty to cancel.
You need to explain to the Rov why this is urgent for now and cannot wait
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:39 pm
OP, you're not going overboard. I would have the exact same reaction if my husband announced that my mother in law was coming for a month - even without a BF, without postpartum, without Pesach. WITH all three? Oh yeah you've got a right to be upset. Of course if you don't have a choice you will have to make peace with it somehow (or just breath through it), but by no normal standards should your first reaction be noble.
Rabbi Avigdor Miller says, "Don't have your mother-in-law around too much... Because a MIL would have to be an angel in order to keep her mouth shut. And the DIL has to be an angel to suffer her MIL." Your situation may be different but it still holds true.
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amother
Green


 

Post Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:44 pm
I didn't follow this thread from the beginning, so my apologies if this was already discussed, but how are you halachikly allowed to host the bf and allow them to share a bedroom in your home?
This whole situation sounds crazy and sounds to me like you need to put your foot down.
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