Long rant: MIL bringing BF to stay

amother

Olive

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:57 pm

this has nothing at all to do with respecting her partner/choices etc

no words -- except perhaps to say I would move this thread from manners and etiquette to shalom basis forum

you had PPD?! I'm sorry but particularly in light of this I really cannot even begin to understand your husband's decision. Yes I would call our rov.

A woman who has had PPD and whose husband does not take her feelings into account in a situation like this is a whole nother story.

this really does not even have to do with his family culture. this is just beyond. And I don't like saying that. And thats not even getting into the Prepesach/pesach issues with not yet frum people...

is there a reason why he does want his mother to come? and stay that month? because honestly this doesn't make much sense

hatzlocha

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:47 pm

I'll just echo everyone else. Get a rav.
And if that won't help, you be the one to say no. Even if your MIL will never talk to you again. I don't think you'll mind that very much, will you?
Unless you're ok being being locked into your room for 4 weeks? Or book YOURSELF a 5 star hotel.
I know these options don't seem like options to you, but in this case, YOUR feelings and comfort are what matter.
And, maybe DH will come around in the meantime. There's still some time to Pesach.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:07 pm

When you're both calm, let him casually know that you booked a hotel room for yourself for those dates and that's where you will be. try to be all friendly about it "I guess I'll have to move out to a hotel since you give me no other choice - have a good time with your mom and step boyfriend dad - missing you already".

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Update: I just tried to explain myself to my husband... again. He keeps twisting words around saying “I don’t think it’s right to tell her she’s not wanted”
And I have to keep repeating myself that SHE was never the problem, but the fact that she said BF is coming and NOBODY asked me, my husband didn’t even say “hang on, let me discuss it with my wife first” is inexcusable. It ended with me screaming at him and leaving the house because I feel like he’s just gaslighting me. Just won’t stop turning this around to not be a problem. I even told him I understand if BF wanted to come for, say a week, even though it’s not ideal, but I would handle it. Didn’t anyone consider that a 3week+ stay would be something to mention to me? I’m literally shaking right now. He will not talk to her, he made it clear, and wants me to take “the fall” and be the bad guy, which I can promise that in my MIL’s world, I will never live down and I’ll be the bad guy forever.

Do not tell him even one week would be ok! It’s not, it’s not the amount of time, it’s the inappropriateness of their relationship, plus the added stress to you after giving birth! Since dh is being unreasonable and not putting his wife fIrst, I suggest you discuss this with a third party (rabbi, therapist). I’m sure they will tell your dh you are right. Stand your ground!

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:29 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I didn't follow this thread from the beginning, so my apologies if this was already discussed, but how are you halachikly allowed to host the bf and allow them to share a bedroom in your home?
This whole situation sounds crazy and sounds to me like you need to put your foot down.

Not to mention what it teaches their children!

amother

Pearl

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:31 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

He will know she’s bluffing

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:58 pm

I had similar with my MIL. Dh couldn't be direct with his mom and tell her no, ever, and (non-frum) MIL always wanted to come "help" postpartum. Her "help" included ruining my laundry and treifing up the kitchen! I spent a lot of time postpartum hiding out in my bedroom and texting my husband instructions. I had cakes, drinks, chocolates, books, and my laptop in the room so that helped. OP I hope you have an easy healthy birth and postpartum period. I also hope you'll speak with your Rav with dh about how best to plan for this visit. Hopefully hearing the Rav be the voice of reason will help. Your dh really messed this up but I would try not to dwell on it and guilt-trip him. My dh is the same and he's a really good guy. Just can't say no to his mom. When you think about all the awful stuff some women have to deal with in their marriages, a husband loving his mom and having a hard time saying no to her is really not so bad. Just so you know, my dh is in his late 40s and our baby factory closed up quite a while ago, and he still hasn't chapped why hosting his MIL postpartum for way too long with each baby was a bad idea. He has a blind spot about his mom and gets very sensitive. So, word to the wise, trying to get him to be logical may not be doable, and may cause more problems than it's worth.

Ruchel

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 4:55 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

You’re advocating lying to their kids? Not good advice. At all.

Better to teach them it's ok to either do that, or reject family? Nope. White lie. There might be a thing about living together anyway etc but lies are sometimes the only solution (I know, not in enlightened anglo chinuch Wink

)

amother

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 6:22 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

he still hasn't chapped why hosting his MIL postpartum for way too long with each baby was a bad idea. He has a blind spot about his mom and gets very sensitive. So, word to the wise, trying to get him to be logical may not be doable, and may cause more problems than it's worth.

You sound like someone who gets my situation! Most of the time, I’m very proud at how respectful and caring my husband is towards family. But I feel like a cartoon character hitting myself on the head with a frying pan trying to get him to understand my side of things when it comes to his mother. He did agree it wasn’t right to not include me but then immediately jumped right back to “but what else could I do”. And yes, I don’t think it’s worth causing more problems as I recognize that this is (BH) the only real major issue in my marriage.

And for those who asked...When it comes to the halacha of hosting a nonmarried couple, all I did was tell him “ask Rabbi _____ and see what his thoughts are. You made sure to book their tickets so they wouldn’t arrive on Shabbat, even though they don’t care, but everything else about this visit isn’t a problem?”. And just left it with that to let him think.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 6:31 am

OP

I don't want to scare you but:
What you are describing- holing yourself in your room is a recipe for disaster.

You WILL end up with PPD
You WILL end up losing any semblance of relationship with your MIL
You WILL end up resenting your DH for not being there at a vulnerable time in your life and picking his mommy's feelings over your mental and physical health.

DO NOT GIVE IN. He booked the tickets but they WILL NOT be staying in your house. End of story
Text your mil, we cannot host you, you will need to stay somewhere else.
Anytime DH brings it up- all you say: they will not be staying in this house.

This should be your hill to die on.

Its unacceptable and completely disrespectful for him to not discuss this with you before inviting them.

You have to be selfish postpartum and do what you need to do. Not what anyone else wants you to di

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 6:33 am

We live in Israel and my FIL wanted to visit at a time of year that didn't work for me- I told dh that this wasn't a good time, before or after would be great. I had specific reasons why that time frame was bad for me. Dh said but this time frame works better (not that a different one was impossible, just less convenient) for fil. I asked why is fils convenience more important than mine? Dh said I was disrespectful to his father, how could I say no, etc etc. Said I was a bad person. I lost the fight, fil come. I was boiling mad at how dh had treated me.

I did absolutely nothing that visit, and didn't tell dh in advance that he'll be doing all the hosting work. Didn't make the bed, not enough clean towels, not enough food. Spent the whole time in my room and let my dh do all the hosting. Fil needs help with the kids and can't take them on his own- dh did that. Fil needs special food- dh did that. I let dh see how much work goes into hosting people, which he doesn't see. But towels don't wash themselves and food doesn't cook itself.

When it comes to his parents, my relationship with dh has never been the same- he assumes I hate them, when I really don't. But you can bet that now when I say it's not a good time for them to visit he listens to me.

Op, I'd check myself into a hotel. Especially if you have ppd. Your husband doesn't listen to you and run things by you, no reason for you to do the same.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 7:09 am

I think it's very dangerous to give advice to a stranger over the internet, urging her to put her foot down and do something that could damage her shalom bayis and her relationship with her ILs long-term. Her husband messed up but she has a choice how to handle it. It's important for OP to protect her mental health and wellbeing by retreating to her bedroom as much as she wants and prioritizing her postpartum recovery rather than trying to be the perfect host. But turning this into a situation where you encourage her to create animosity in the family, or to be passive aggressive with dh, is foolish and wrong.

strawberry cola

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 10:21 am

Dear OP,
Hugs, we are all feeling for you and hope Hashem will send you the best solution.
I am wondering- you have not responded to anyone's suggestions that you involve your Rav. Do you have a Rav? It's extremely important, especially in a loaded, halachically complex and emotionally charged situation like this one to have a wise and sensitive talmid chacham to guide you. I think it's imperative. I don't see a better way of resolving this; you'll ust keep going around and around in increasingly stormy circles.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 11:09 am

Ruchel wrote:

)

White lies are lies and sins. Not ok to teach kids. And no she should not allow them to see her mom living with a man without marriage,

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 12:15 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

I have a difficult mother. One year I was due less than two weeks before Pesach. I called my mother's Rov (he was my Rov before I got married) because he knows her and knows the situation without long explanations.

"A baby, Pesach and your mother? Absolutely not!" was his reply. Maybe two out of three, but never all three.

OP, does your DH have a rov or rebbe or rosh yeshiva he respects? Time to call in reinforcements! (And if he left the screen open, I personally would CANCEL THE TICKETS!)

time to call in reinforcements. Dont be scared to call someone who is good with your husband: his friend, a rav, a workmate.. It is ok if your husband will be raging at you. You have to go go through this surgery now, otherwise you this crazy behavior will repeat itself till your mil's 120th year.
Stop the cycle.
your the wife. If the wife wants know one in the house, the husband has to respect that. no explanations needed.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jan 21 2020, 1:23 pm

Op it sounds like you have already made your decision. The reality is that you are the one who knows all the factors best and the one to live with the consequences.
While I still think your wishes should be honored completely maybe it is possible that your husband really believes having his mother there is helpful. Either way. Your life and your decision.
Hugs and hatzlocha.
B'shaah Tovah.