Do They Say Please?

groisamomma

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:21 am

Am I the only one that thinks a child shouldn't be asking a parent to get or bring things they can very well do for themselves? I don't mean infants or toddlers. If I'm standing anyway or coming to the table in a minute, I hear you. But to ask a parent to get up and bring you a glass of water because you're distracted or playing sounds very strange to me, no matter how polite it comes out.

zaftigmom

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:21 am

I don't make my kids say please but I say it a lot myself and they picked up on it. I only make sure that they ask me instead of telling me what they want. When they start demanding things I just ask them if they have a question for me and then they usually ask with a please. This will probably start annoying them once they get older though.

honeymoon

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:23 am

groisamomma wrote:

Quite obviously. We are talking about situations where it is acceptable. Like when mom is serving dinner and kids are sitting at the table etc.

Cheiny

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do your kids say please when they ask you for an everyday something, such as a glass of water, or another serving, etc.
We all know the ideal: I want facts on the ground.
I don't remember working very hard to train my kids to do it, but I did put an emphasis on it, and my older kids do it automatically. It could also be that I rubbed off on them, because MY mother put an emphasis on it. Wink

Now, when my 5 yr old asks for something, he sometimes says it on his own, and sometimes I have to remind him. When I remind him, he often says it, but sometimes balks. It never turns into a big deal, but
DH claims that guys in his (average, refined) environment say thank you, but not please. They'll ask "Can you get me that?" (when its appropriate). He claims people would honestly think he's weird, like overly polite, if he'd do it in public.
I'm thinking back to my camp and school years, and I'm remembering that very few kids actually said please when asking someone to pass something. In fact, I remember the one kid who did, because she stands out.
I don't need advice on how to deal with this. I just want to know the reality in your world, and if there is a difference in the male/female environment.
Please, no bashing. Just facts. Thank you.

Absolutely they do every time, please and thank you, to us and with others. That’s because from the youngest age I taught them to do so.

amother

Natural

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:53 am

Absolutely teach my kids to say please and thank you. That said, it really takes awhile for them to always remember on their own, so I don't think it really means anything that your 5 year old still forgets sometimes. I think my oldest (9) is the only one of mine who doesn't need reminders anymore. 6 year old is almost there, but still occasionally needs to be reminded about how to ask for things. The younger ones definitely still need a lot of coaching and reminding to say please and thank you.

Odelyah

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:28 pm

yes-- this is very important to me and my children for the most part have internalized it BH. If a younger kid forgets (some do more often than others) it goes like this:
Kid: "can I have some water?" Me: "Mommy may I please have some water?" as I walk towards the sink with the cup. Kid parrots what I said and I hand them the water. It's very low drama; my kids are very used to this routine. It's like the broken record technique and generally seems effective.

Some of my kids got the hang of it in toddlerhood and have spoken politely ever since, some of them still need reminders. It's a personality thing I think..

I do it to some of my younger kids' good friends too (I find myself completely incapable of responding to a request from a child without a please) much to my own kids' mortification I assume..

miami85

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:36 pm

I think it depends a lot on temperament. We model it constantly in our house, but different kids use it to different degrees. My kids are always saying "I want XYZ" and I am always correcting them saying "Can I please have XYZ." They tend to complain first, and I do my best to restate it to a request, such as "my food is too hot!" to "Mommy can you help me blow on it." So far my 2 year-old has the best manners. I'm glad it is sticking with one of my kids.

shanie5

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 7:43 pm

When they are little and asked for something, I will say "what did you forget?" and they always say please. As they get older, I remind them that it must be a full sentence:
DC: "Mommy, can I have a candy?"
Me: "What?"
DC: "Please"
Me: "In a full sentence please"
DC:"mommy, can I pleeaassee have a candy"

I do this to any child in my house. I have a cousin who did not insist on 'please', or even proper tone of voice. In my ouse they would say to her "Mommy, I want a drink of milk: and she would gvie it. To me, they would say "Shanie5, can I please have a drink of milk" because they knew that the way they asked was unacceptable to me.

seeker

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:31 pm

I definitely train and reinforce mannerly asking but somehow the thank you seems to have sunk in a lot better. One DD is better with it than the other, I think it's personal rather than age/maturity. Personally I think both are important but appreciation is more impactful overall.

I think one key is that asking is a bit more ambiguous. It's about tone more than the word please. We've all heard people say the word "please" when they're really issuing a command or generally demonstrating more rote than respect (cue looking straight past the server while saying "two slices to go please") while others can sound gracious without the magic word ("would you be a dear and help me reach the lightbulbs?") So if I'm waiting for my kids to respectfully rephrase, I'll accept a question-style request without standing on ceremony for please. And I am almost guaranteed a decent thank you after. I think their school must have helped with this even though it's something I personally emphasize as well, because I've noticed a lot of thank yous from BY/yeshiva kids in general.

Mayflower

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:30 pm

seeker wrote:

I definitely train and reinforce mannerly asking but somehow the thank you seems to have sunk in a lot better. [...]
I think one key is that asking is a bit more ambiguous. It's about tone more than the word please. We've all heard people say the word "please" when they're really issuing a command or generally demonstrating more rote than respect (cue looking straight past the server while saying "two slices to go please") while others can sound gracious without the magic word ("would you be a dear and help me reach the lightbulbs?") So if I'm waiting for my kids to respectfully rephrase, I'll accept a question-style request without standing on ceremony for please.

Same here, and I agree. There is a way to respectfully ask for something without using the word "please" but thanking usually takes the actual words "thank you".