Is there hope? I'm dysfunctional. Worried for my kids

amother

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:31 am

Is there hope that my children will have a better chance at life than me?

Children ranging ages 4-18

I come from a home that looked amazing on the outside but was dysfunctional on the inside
[think a mix of narcissism & codependency; rage ; contradictory messages ; no emotional connection; lies]

I married a gentle soul. A damaged man
A person who grew up with neglect and abuse
and has mental health issues

I got pregnant immediately and right then I was trapped
whatever I would do would impact the child/ren negatively

Divorce
Stay and work full time [very little Mommy time as I need alot of emotion energy for my marriage]
Stay and work p/t - home [very little money]]

I chose option three

We are in debt and I hate it
I hate not being able to just be and buy like alot of people I know
Obviously my kids feel my vibes besides for feeling like they don't have stuff and houses & experiences that other do

Worst of all is that sometimes my emotional state brings me to yell even hit my kids [not the older ones baruch hashem]
HOW CAN I RIGHT THIS FOR MY KIDS? How do I express to them that I don't know how to love them, that I never tasted love, that I want the best for them and am working really hard to provide the little they do have? How can I know that they don't hate themselves like I do?
How can I know what normal looks like if I haven't observed it?
I so badly want to be a good normal mother but books have had made a very little difference
I revert to the behavior I've seen
It's killing me

Thanks for listening

ellacoe

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:53 pm

The fact that you are aware of some of these factors is really great and can be of great help in getting you to where you want to be. It sounds like there are several aspects that you would like to work on. You mention messages that you would like to convey to your kids. What would help you convey those messages? What do you need in order to do that? How do you feel the best way to do that is?

Last edited by ellacoe on Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:02 pm; edited 1 time in total

TranquilityAndPeace

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:22 pm

None of us are fully functional. That’s a myth. We all struggle with various levels and aspects of dysfunction.

You are human, just like us.

Your life is challenging.

Your awareness is great, which will help you emotionally and behaviorally.

A good therapist, wise friends, self-care that nourishes your soul, are all essential.

And I’ve realized that Hashem made every child different. Some children seem close to paralyzed by “small, common” traumas, and others are able to rise above serious, horrifying traumas due to their nature and residency.

Hugs and keep doing the best that you can, and keep asking Hashem for help and guidance! It sounds like you’re doing far better than you’re giving yourself credit for!❤️