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"Shoemaker's children go barefoot"
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 3:49 pm
amother [ Red ] wrote:
My mother is a famous mechaneches. She has students who she helps tremendously and who adore her. She was a horrible mother.
Same goes for my father in law. He is extremely wise and great at giving advice, has tons of talmidim who adore him etc but when it comes to his family he does not know how to give the right advice...


I actually know afew such families where the mom's are great teachers and principals but awful to their own kids. It's sad. It's like the big askanim that are busy doing chesed and helping everyone but their own family.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 3:59 pm
amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:
I actually know afew such families where the mom's are great teachers and principals but awful to their own kids. It's sad. It's like the big askanim that are busy doing chesed and helping everyone but their own family.


Yup, this is exactly the type of shoemaker's children go barefoot analogy I was referring to. It always boggled me how one can be so well liked on the outside and have such patience and put up such a good front for others, yet at home be so the opposite.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 8:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yup, this is exactly the type of shoemaker's children go barefoot analogy I was referring to. It always boggled me how one can be so well liked on the outside and have such patience and put up such a good front for others, yet at home be so the opposite.


Doesn’t surprise me at all. Outside you put on a good front and are on your best behavior because you have an impression to make and a reputation to uphold.That takes up a lot of energy. Inside your own home, the mask comes off, the hair comes down and the tired, unedited you comes out. Having spent your patience and energy on the world at large, you have little left for your family. The more demanding your outside role, physically and/or emotionally, the more your resources are depleted.

Don’t you know kids who are goody two-shoes in school and unholy terrors at home? Same difference.
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 8:38 pm
As the wife of an askan, and someone involved in chinuch, I just want to chime in here to discourage people from automatically thinking that this is the case.

I understand the temptation to think this way. But many nice people, are just simply all around nice people.
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:08 pm
lilies wrote:
That is very different than calling someone 'mental'...

Everyone has problems and issues, some don't work them through. Some go for help in working it through. Some educate themselves and work it through themselves.


I don't know any therapist's that don't have issues, but I know a lot of non-therapists that don't have issues.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:18 pm
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
As the wife of an askan, and someone involved in chinuch, I just want to chime in here to discourage people from automatically thinking that this is the case.

I understand the temptation to think this way. But many nice people, are just simply all around nice people.


I appreciate this. Thank you.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:24 pm
I do know a couple of famous askanim, speakers etc. "up close" and I see a whole different picture than others do. Not a bad picture at all. They are still wonderful people but I see a whole different side of them - personality, behaviors, parenting styles, etc.
Some friends will be raving about a speech they heard and I just find it hard not to cringe.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 10:10 pm
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Some friends will be raving about a speech they heard and I just find it hard not to cringe.


Why? If it’s a good speech, it’s a good speech no matter what you think of the speaker. Besides, you said they’re wonderful people, even if their private persona is somewhat different from their public one. Why is this a problem? Why must a person be exactly the same in private as in public? Don’t people have the right to be themselves in the privacy of their own home?

Unless you’re being mealy-mouthed and what you really mean is that in private they are decidedly NOT wonderful people. But even so...if it’s a good speech, it’s a good speech.
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amother




Red
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 2:50 am
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
I have never seen a principal out there saying: anyone know of a good mother out there, who raised a child who could have been borderline functional into a functional human being? I need a teacher for my seventh grade class.
So, teaching and mothering are worlds apart. the personalities and qualities that goes into the making of a teacher is not in sync in the makings of a good mother.


The point is my mother gives advice to ppl that she doesn't follow herself.
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ectomorph




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 4:40 am
Most of us are not perfect. Shockingly that is true of most people.
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ectomorph




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 4:58 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
We have a bakery-
We do not go barefoot.
My ample belly proves it!

I always say never trust a skinny chef! I'm sure It's delicious
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:18 am
amother [ Red ] wrote:
The point is my mother gives advice to ppl that she doesn't follow herself.


So she doesn’t practice what she preaches. Doesn’t invalidate what she preaches.
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:38 am
zaq wrote:
So she doesn’t practice what she preaches. Doesn’t invalidate what she preaches.


Hence, the shoemakers children.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:15 am
zaq wrote:
Why? If it’s a good speech, it’s a good speech no matter what you think of the speaker. Besides, you said they’re wonderful people, even if their private persona is somewhat different from their public one. Why is this a problem? Why must a person be exactly the same in private as in public? Don’t people have the right to be themselves in the privacy of their own home?

Unless you’re being mealy-mouthed and what you really mean is that in private they are decidedly NOT wonderful people. But even so...if it’s a good speech, it’s a good speech.


I guess because of the way that speaker acts I see a whole different (socially off?) side of her, so I can't really accept anything she says...
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:18 am
Look, Hitler yishm might say something good but I won't publicize it. Yes, if the person is a mess I tend to disregard her message unless it's 100% halacha no hashkafa
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:21 am
ectomorph wrote:
I always say never trust a skinny chef! I'm sure It's delicious

Lol
Love this!
ETA- my stomach- not so much
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 12:28 pm
zaq wrote:
So she doesn’t practice what she preaches. Doesn’t invalidate what she preaches.


I've thought about this a lot as my mother is a fairly well known therapist and speaker. People compliment her to me often and it makes me cringe every time.

The thing is, if I give a speech and the topic is, how to be a great parent. First, don't yell. Be warm and loving and patient, that's the key to having a close relationship, blah blah.

The speaker is wearing her professional hat. She conveys a sense of expertise. She doesn't say, ever, Here are some things I wished I did differently. She doesn't say, We're all here learning, and I'm not perfect but here are some things I learned.

Listeners are left with the sense that she IS the model parent she describes. It's misleading. And to people who know better, it feels that this admiration is undeserved.
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amother




Red
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 12:31 pm
amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:
I've thought about this a lot as my mother is a fairly well known therapist and speaker. People compliment her to me often and it makes me cringe every time.

The thing is, if I give a speech and the topic is, how to be a great parent. First, don't yell. Be warm and loving and patient, that's the key to having a close relationship, blah blah.

The speaker is wearing her professional hat. She conveys a sense of expertise. She doesn't say, ever, Here are some things I wished I did differently. She doesn't say, We're all here learning, and I'm not perfect but here are some things I learned.

Listeners are left with the sense that she IS the model parent she describes. It's misleading. And to people who know better, it feels that this admiration is undeserved.


Thank you! Applause
(I'm the original poster who said my mother is a huge mechaneches but horrible mother. I did not appreciate that comment from zaq.)
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 12:51 pm
Actually, I attend weekly speech where speaker always makes comments like, "I'm not perfect either" or "I never either knew this before" etc, which shows her humility and what kind of amazing person she really is.
But, yes, I definitely agree that it's sad that one person can wear 2 diff hats and those closest to home have to see the negative side.
Interesting, after I posted this, I saw entire article written on this in this past week's Family Room of Lakewood Shopper, with some of these very examples mentioned! So I guess it's not so uncommon...

http://familyroommagazine.com/

Turn to page 14, article called "Blind Spots".

Happy reading!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:55 am
Have to come back here and say:
I'm in a situation now where anyone I mention the challenge asks me, what about your mother? Can't she help you?
Well, the answer is, yes she can, if she wants to!
But she's not on the same page as me so not running to do it!
So there you go!
One never knows. Sometimes, the millionaire's child needs to beg tzedakah!
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