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Help ds is angry, tantrums...bec he cant do it..wat do I do?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:18 pm
My 4 and half year old is very smart and understands when he did not "do it" or
Did not "accomplish a goal".....so when he cant do it the first or second try, he gets frustrated and gets angry and gives up...he starts having a tantrum...

I've never had this before with my other children. My others either didnt realize
They didnt get it (like today at an arcade game, he got the ball in but not in the numbers
so he realized it was "wrong" even though I said nothing) then he stomped and lay down crying...

Also with other things like teaching him to write letters, he realized he did
It wrong after around 3 tries, he gave up and stomped...threw pencil....etc said I cant do it...

I didnt expect him to do it on 3 tries...I explained to him that hes going to lay down bec
We dont throw pencils....then he can come out when hes ready...which he did after a while

Other times he stomps and gives up refusing to try again so I told him calmly
"I'll wait until you are ready...its okay if you didnt do it..you have to do a lot of tries...

So eventually, he tried and now he can successfully write those letters.

But, I realized to ask advice on here bec for anything in life that he cant do,
Ill need to practice with him many times before he is successful but if
He gives up after a few tries, I'll use my "waiting" method but it's very exhausting
And I was wondering if anyone ever had this....or has methods to teach him not to
Be a "perfectionist "(or is that even the problem???)

I dont know why he expects to "get it" in a few tries...my other kids practiced and
If they didnt get it, they were fine and "went about their day" until their next practice and
Eventually got it..
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:47 pm
When he is calm, explain that some stuff takes a loooong time to learn and that everybody has to try many, many times until they get it. And that's OK. Give examples of how long it took you to learn to tie your shoes, ride a bike, write your name, etc.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 6:07 am
#BestBubby wrote:
When he is calm, explain that some stuff takes a loooong time to learn and that everybody has to try many, many times until they get it. And that's OK. Give examples of how long it took you to learn to tie your shoes, ride a bike, write your name, etc.


Thank you. I do this, but I dont understand where he got this idea of expecting himself to be able to do it right away....
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 7:15 am
1. I wouldn't introduce unnecessary skills to this child yet.
2. He needs to be disciplined and told this is not acceptable behavior. You say you understand he is upset because of x y z but that his reaction is not appropriate so he needs to go into a time out
3. Help model a better reaction with him. Tell him what is expected under those circumstances and follow up with play with action figures who behave responsibly as well as stories that he can relate to (always have the child behaving appropriately in the story)
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tryinghard




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 8:53 am
I have a child like that. He is super hard on himself. One thing that helps is to to help him verbalize those feelings. It can clarify for you exactly what’s going on in his head:
“That is so frustrating! You tried and tried and it didn’t work!”
Sometimes describing his actions - “you are so frustrated, now that you threw that I really understand just how frustrated you are!!!”
Or mirroring - repeating it back “you feel like you are stupid”
Sometimes humor helps - “oh my gosh! You made a mistake? you are the only child in the world who EVER makes a mistake!” (This was particularly effective in teaching DS to use an eraser instead of scribbling all over the paper or crumpling it up)

Caveat - These will work for a lot of kids - AT THIS AGE. Somehow it’s less effective when they are a bit older - “duh, I know I’m frustrated!” 😅

It’s rough. This child continues to be my most challenging one. We have worked with a play therapist on and off. She was excellent and we saw great results. If you want to PM with questions or just for chizzuk, feel free!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:06 am
When I was in Ulpan, a bunch of us grown up adults were getting really frustrated with ourselves because we were trying to get the hang of aleph beis. You could feel the frustration in the air! Banging head

Our moreh had us stop, and said "When you were a baby, and you were learning to walk, you fell down a lot. Over and over again. But you kept getting up, and you kept trying. Eventually, you figured it out. Otherwise, you all would have crawled to class today!" LOL

Whenever I get frustrated now, I just remember that I used to crawl, and now I can walk. That's a huge developmental step, but it took a long time. I can master other things, if I just apply the same determination.

IMHO, your son is not old enough for some of the the things he's trying to do on his own. Give him activities where he can have more "wins" to build up his confidence, and he'll eventually get more patient.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:33 pm
tryinghard wrote:
I have a child like that. He is super hard on himself. One thing that helps is to to help him verbalize those feelings. It can clarify for you exactly what’s going on in his head:
“That is so frustrating! You tried and tried and it didn’t work!”
Sometimes describing his actions - “you are so frustrated, now that you threw that I really understand just how frustrated you are!!!”
Or mirroring - repeating it back “you feel like you are stupid”
Sometimes humor helps - “oh my gosh! You made a mistake? you are the only child in the world who EVER makes a mistake!” (This was particularly effective in teaching DS to use an eraser instead of scribbling all over the paper or crumpling it up)

Caveat - These will work for a lot of kids - AT THIS AGE. Somehow it’s less effective when they are a bit older - “duh, I know I’m frustrated!” 😅

It’s rough. This child continues to be my most challenging one. We have worked with a play therapist on and off. She was excellent and we saw great results. If you want to PM with questions or just for chizzuk, feel free!


Thanks for this. I've done all above and yes, this is a challenge.

Thank you also to everyone else who posted.
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