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Baby Crying in Bed :(

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:30 pm
My baby (15 month old) sometimes wakes up at night and cries. I usually go in, try to soothe him, etc... Many times he'll continue to kvetch. No screams of pain, just kvetching or moaning.
Here is where Dh and I disagree. I really want to go in to the baby. Dh feels that we should wait and let baby just cry it out and calm down on his own. He says baby isn't crying bec. of something, rather, he woke up and just wants his mommy or wants to come out of his bed. He says baby needs to learn how to handle things on his own and not have his mommy come to his every beck and call.
This disagreement started a long time ago, but every time it happens it puts a strain on our shalom bayis. Dh gets upset when I go into the baby's room to soothe him, and I get upset if I listen to Dh and just wait it out. I can't handle hearing my child cry.
Dh is a wonderful person, we just don't see eye to eye in this area.
Can you tell me how bad it is to let baby cry? Is this something normal to do or is it terrible?
Please help.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:34 pm
I would say make a decision and stick to it
It hurts a lot to let your baby cry. But if that's the route you're taking you have to stick to it because its unfair to baby to let him cry one night. then 3 nights you go. Then 2 nights not go
... too confusing and much more hurtful to your baby.

You can help him soothe. But maybe go in tell him you're there. You love him. You'll see him in the morning. Then he will cry because yeah he wants you. but he doesnt NEED anything from you. Then if he cries for 5 minutes you can go in and again say I'm here I love you ill see you in the morning.
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Odelyah




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:44 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My baby (15 month old) sometimes wakes up at night and cries. I usually go in, try to soothe him, etc... Many times he'll continue to kvetch. No screams of pain, just kvetching or moaning.
Here is where Dh and I disagree. I really want to go in to the baby. Dh feels that we should wait and let baby just cry it out and calm down on his own. [b]He says baby isn't crying bec. of something, rather, he woke up and just wants his mommy[/b] or wants to come out of his bed. He says baby needs to learn how to handle things on his own and not have his mommy come to his every beck and call.
This disagreement started a long time ago, but every time it happens it puts a strain on our shalom bayis. Dh gets upset when I go into the baby's room to soothe him, and I get upset if I listen to Dh and just wait it out. I can't handle hearing my child cry.
Dh is a wonderful person, we just don't see eye to eye in this area.
Can you tell me how bad it is to let baby cry? Is this something normal to do or is it terrible?
Please help.


I am so sorry Sad -- you are 100% following your maternal instincts-- your middas harachamim. Hashem wired you that way for a reason! He knew what He was doing! Babies have essential needs beyond food etc. He has a need for emotional security that you provide for him. This is a need just as vital as food and diapering.

I am curious why your husband thinks he is more of an expert than you are in this area?
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:15 pm
You said he's just kvetching and moaning, it's normal for babies to moan in their sleep, they're usually not even up. I wouldn't go to baby for that. If the baby is really crying and it's a nightly thing, I would wait a bit before going to baby.
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amother




Pink
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:19 pm
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
You said he's just kvetching and moaning, it's normal for babies to moan in their sleep, they're usually not even up. I wouldn't go to baby for that. If the baby is really crying and it's a nightly thing, I would wait a bit before going to baby.


This! If he was really waiting for you it would turn into real crying. Just like your husband said, he woke up and is half asleep and until he will fall back to sleep he will be moaning. Its totally normal.
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amother




Slategray
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:23 pm
Is this your first child? Regardless of whether or not your child actually needs you, this is a bigger question of whether one parent can tell the other parent how to have a relationship with a child. It's my strong belief that outside of obvious red lines, a father should not tell a mother how to be a mother (and vice versa). He can mention it once or twice, and if you ask him to go check on the baby and he doesn't think it's necessary, that's his prerogative. But he should not get involved when you do things your way. Hashem gave this child a mother and a father and they aren't carbon copies of each other. It's normal and healthy for you to have your style and he to have his.
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amother




Coffee
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:26 pm
I would let a baby cry 30-60 seconds to see if they fall asleep on their own, but after that, I feel the same way you do, and DH feels the same way your DH does.
But since I feel so strongly about it, I go in and I take the fallout for baby's erratic sleep patterns.
It doesn't really affect our SB, though. Not sure what I would do if it turns into a full-fledged war.
15 M is still very young. I wouldn't let a baby that young cry it out.
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:51 pm
I think you both have valid points however you are the mother and need to listen to your own instincts. your husband should not be telling you what to do or how to parent especially out of your comfort zone, that is controlling behavior. you both need to respect each others differences. I happen to disagree completely with the cry it out methods and think anything that goes against your gut feeling should not be done. but as someone else said if the baby is kvetching and can self soothe that is different than letting him cry himself to sleep which no husband has a right to pressure a mother to do!
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:55 pm
Go comfort that poor baby. IMHO, it's cruel. He's helpless. He cant express his needs, he needs his Mommy. Crying is his way of saying, Mommy, I need you.

Ask dh if he cried, if you should let him cry it out.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 10:58 pm
do this:
first explain to your husband that babies learn routines very very quickly.
then teach your baby a routine.
so when my baby around this age cries after he's in bed what I do is I go in and ask him, do you want a hug. he will either nod or stretch out his arms, or he will say no and lie back down with his blanket.
I hug him in his bed and then he lies back down and I go out of the room.
The first time I went in there of course he wanted to come out of bed but within 2-3 times of this routine he learnt that this is the routine and he is happy and I am happy and dh is happy. I would never let a child CIO, I feel it does fundamental damage, but dh always would insist I let them cry until he saw that this method works even better.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:29 pm
I don’t think there’s one right approach. If you are ok going in, why does it bother your husband so much? Is it because you are exhausted the next day?

Personally, I wait a little bit to see if baby settles and if not, I will go in and hold her. If she’s sick or seems in pain I will stay with her and soothe her. If she seems fine, I will either stay and hold her if I feel up for it but if I’m exhausted or feeling burnt out I will tell her I love her, tell her it’s sleeping time, leave her and let her cry. She is crying because she is not happy about the situation and that’s ok, my job is not to make her happy at my expense. I do hate to hear her cry but I also know that’s she ok and we both need to sleep
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:21 am
Thank you for all your responses. I've tried to speak to dh about it so many times, but we don't get anywhere. He is a wonderful, kind, caring person, but I think he just has a very different way of looking at things.
For example, one morning when I knew he was home and eating breakfast I heard the baby cry. I was in bed, and waiting to hear him go take the baby out of his crib, (he knew I was sleeping) but time was passing and he wasn't going. Eventually, I just went to get the baby and I mentioned to Dh (trying to say it nicely) "oh, you must not have heard the baby cry". Dh said, "I did, but baby was crying for just a minute, I was going to go in very soon to get him."
For me, my baby was crying for so long but to dh, it was just a minute.
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:34 am
amother [ Papaya ] wrote:
Go comfort that poor baby. IMHO, it's cruel. He's helpless. He cant express his needs, he needs his Mommy. Crying is his way of saying, Mommy, I need you.

Ask dh if he cried, if you should let him cry it out.


It is not cruel to let a 15 month old groan and kvetch, or even cry in bed for 2-3 minutes. Some babies, especially at that age, cry for no good reason just out of habit. If a kid cries every night in bed and mom comes right away, he cries out of habit. This creates an unhealthy pattern and no one gets adequate sleep. OP said her baby is groaning and kvetching, it's not cruel to not go to baby, baby might even be asleep and kvetch in his sleep.
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:40 am
For all those saying that a husband has "no right to tell a mother how to parent" and that it's controlling, your husband is the baby's father and has every right to share his point of view! Both parents have equal rights. Unless DH suggests something dangerous, we should listen to their opinions. OP's DH isn't suggesting something outrageous, he has every right to give suggestions, he's also a parent.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 11:06 am
I think most fathers are like your husband. My husband is much less bothered than the baby crying than I am and he is a good person and loves her
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Odelyah




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 8:25 pm
tichellady wrote:
I think most fathers are like your husband. My husband is much less bothered than the baby crying than I am and he is a good person and loves her


I agree this may be true, because we are actually hardwired by G-d to feel a stress response when our babies cry. The issue is not that he doesn't respond as quickly; it's that OP's husband is actually trying to prevent her from responding to her baby's cries and is getting angry when she does. This is the part that is problematic for OP and needs to be addressed.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:36 pm
My dh was the same as you. He would say do not go to baby and I couldn't stand hearing baby cry and always went in. Then dh was mad that kids can't learn to fall asleep and I am getting up at night and tired. But most of all he was upset that I wouldn't listen to him as he knew plenty of ppl that did let their kids cry it out and they were all fine.

It was a big strain on shalom bayis since I put baby before dh. He felt like I didn't believe his way of thinking was valid even though tons of people do it and that I'm coddling baby instead of letting baby grow up.

I think there is a middle ground. Tell dh you will let baby cry for up to 5 minutes but not for an hour. Meet halfway - don't go in the instant baby cries, sometimes they do fall back asleep after a few minutes. Then, go in and sing/hug for a few minutes and then leave. Don't go back in and stay until baby is asleep. Tell dh that his way is right for some people but you want to be a different kind of mother.

Kids need love and my personal opinion is never to let them cry it out. Go in and talk/sing for a few minutes and then leave. But dh never agreed that there was more than one right away. I put kids first because it broke my heart to hear them scream.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 21 2020, 9:41 pm
Thank you again for all the responses and validation.
I usually don't post personal questions that I am sensitive to on imamother and I never realized how validating it could feel!
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