Potching lightly on the hand (literal slap on the wrist)

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 3:09 am

#BestBubby wrote:

This is another example of FAKE scare-mongering - It states that studies say that children who were spanked more frequently are more aggressive and have lower IQ. It implies that spanking CAUSE your child more aggressive and lower IQ.

No.

A child who is naturally more aggressive and/or lower IQ will be spanked more than children who are naturally less aggressive and/or more intelligent.

The spanking did not CAUSE the aggression or lower iq.

Incidentally, studies have shown that children with a higher IQ than their parents are at higher risk of abuse. The less intelligent parent simply does not know how to handle the child appropriately. But at the same time, that child even if smarter than his/her parent is not going to be the brightest in the bunch. Also, less intelligent children are more likely to be aggressive.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 3:37 am

chanchy123 wrote:

I have seen a mom in the playground gently telling her five year old that his toddler sister doesn't like what he's doing to her. The older kid was beating up the toddler, the mom didn't even ask him to stop. She did nothing because she believes in "non-violent" patenting. In my books that's abuse or at the very least neglect. So she's not firm with her older kid but her toddler is being beat up and the older kids understands that it's completely acceptable behavior. So the mom pointed out his sister is being hurt, but it probably isn't a big deal because mom didn't even say I should stop. That doesn't build empathy that builds sadisim. I have seen the same mom allow her kids to harass and disturbe other children and herself with either no response or very gentle talk trying to build empathy.

There is a huge difference between being firm and enforcing rules and abuse. And like shmutzagraphy - a reasonable person knows it when they see it.
Whether it is raising your voice, corporal punishment, loss of privelages, etc. Not all parenting methods work for everyone or are suitable for evenyone. A light slap on the wrist is not abuse.

This is what bothers me most about permissive parenting. Especially when her kid is physically abusing my kid and she refuses to do anything but gets angry at me when I step in to protect my child.

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:50 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

This is what bothers me most about permissive parenting. Especially when her kid is physically abusing my kid and she refuses to do anything but gets angry at me when I step in to protect my child.

A child specialist told someone whose child was aggressive to a younger sibling to ignore the bully and lavish attention on the victim so that the bully loses what he wants the most.
Beating up the bully may prevent the behavior from recurring but the feelings that caused the behavior won't go away and will show up in some other maladaptive behavior.

zaftigmom

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:51 am

allthingsblue wrote:

Is the rare, light potch as harmless as when my husband tells me something silly and I swat him on the shoulder playfully?
If yes, I guess it's harmless but how is it even effective?

In my opinion, a light potch stings a bit for a couple seconds.

If my my children are fighting, being annoying, not listening,etc I have a whole bunch of tools to use to get them to stop that usually aren't at all punishments. I have 2 toddlers. If my older one does something dangerous, all I have to do is tell her that it's dangerous and she'll stop. Her sister, though, will see it as a challenge. She's 2 and is a mischievous little dare devil that doesn't understand the concept of danger. I love her and I don't want her touching the stove in the few seconds that I'm in the bathroom or something. It is not possible for me to always be in the same room as her. She is not an only child and I have physical needs too. The potch is there to teach her what dangerous means so that she won't run to experiment with the stove or street the second my back is turned. And it's been very effective.

The crazy thing about all these potching posts is that I'm not a potching mother. But when people write off any potch as abusive they are including mothers like me whose children are loved, hugged, communicative and secure. The occasional potch didn't take away from that.

zaftigmom

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:55 am

southernbubby wrote:

That's actually what I do with my kids. Other mothers don't always like it but it really worked. I just don't love the word bully here cuz in my case we're talking about a yummy 2 year old. I never potch for giving boo boos. I just don't think that's an effective message.

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:20 am

zaftigmom wrote:

When mothers get together, they have to be realistic about how much they can talk to each other while the kids play. Eventually the kids are going to seek attention and more than likely it will be done in an annoying way. The mothers need to pause the discussion in order to cheer the kids on the monkey bars.
I guess the term "bully" doesn't fit when taking about a very small child but I couldn't find a better word.

chanchy123

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:26 am

southernbubby wrote:

I learned the same thing. A responsible parent would stop the behavior of the bully and shower the beaten child with attention. No normal parent would beat up the bully just like it is not responsible to sit on the sidelines and tell your child the other one is in pain. You have to do something actively to stop the behavior. Not saying a light slap on the wrist is warranted here just that avoiding firm behavior can cause actual physical pain to your child and build bad midot.

southernbubby

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:08 am

zaftigmom wrote:

I always take toddlers into the bathroom with me and I bring something to entertain them with. It sounds gross but I at least know where they are. I also use the opportunity to explain that big people make on the toilet and don't wear diapers.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:34 am

southernbubby wrote:

That's completely different than a mother who comes up all gentle and nice to the aggressive child and tells him off sweetly, and then proceeds to comfort the injured child for about five seconds. Which is what the permissive mothers do.
And if your child is beating up someone else's child, then you don't have the right to simply ignore your child. I have had parents justify to me why their child was not wrong to kick my child. And my child in those cases did not physically harm the other child, just asked to play or for the hitter to scoot over so there would be room to sit.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:50 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Not only are you exaggerating, like someone else pointed out, but you are also repeating yourself into delusion.

Guess why there are new parenting methods. Because the old ones were a disaster when it comes to emotional and mental health.

But the pendulum doesn't need to swing in the complete opposite direction. A happy medium with the appropriate consequence is ideal. There's a time and place for everything. Something more than words is what's needed when a child does something dangerous. If a two year old child frequently runs into the road, a light potch is what will best keep him safe. Words won't do much. Keeping him in the house as punishment won't work if you yourself have to go out with him somewhere.

And off course you have to know the child. What works for one, may not work for the other.

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:55 am

In the past if my child bullied another kid I’d discipline him in the moment in front of the other mom. After having a bad incident when I saw the deep humiliation on my sons face and having him run off and hiding in complete meltdown and panicking when I couldn’t find him I would do things differently today. I think I would first distract my son from the bad behavior- so that he stops hurting the other kid (it’s never ok for another child to be hurt) then apologize to the mom and child and explain to them that I would be taking care of the disciplining later on in private. Part of the discipline would be educating and finding a way to make amends toward the other child. If my son would refuse I would say- ok- then here’s what I will do to make things right to xyz... I would model the rectification :

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:06 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

I'm not promoting words for a toddler who runs into the street. I advocate child safety measures. Why is the toddler not buckled securely into a stroller? It is the parents' job to make the environment safe for a child just like we child proof our homes. Once safety measures are in place we dont have to be disciplining for situations which should have been avoided in the first place. This is the easy part of parenting. I thought we were talking about older kids.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:16 am

The pendulum does need to swing in the opposite direction. Because too many of us know what it's like to be destroyed inside. Because parenting was about causing shame and humiliation to kids rather than encouraging and uplifting them. Parenting was about "how dare you go against me the parent" instead of teaching true respect. Parenting is not about the parent, it's about the child.

gamanit

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:52 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

My toddler likes to run. Where else should he run if not on the sidewalk? I live in an apartment. It's healthy for a kid to be able to stretch his legs every now and then. I trained him not to go into the street without holding my hand and to wait right before the corner for me and not turn onto the avenue where I can't see him. I'm always close enough to him that I'd be able to run and catch him but I want him to know the rules himself too.

#BestBubby

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 11:14 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know someone who would warn her kids that she would count to ten, with no threat of any kind attached---literally just counting till ten. A slap that literally does not hurt is the same thing, a signal to stop the behavior, not a real punishment.

My Mother used to do that - count to three but really six (1, 1 1/2, 2, 2 1/2...) No threat was stated but there was a threat implied. I assumed it was a potch but since we all complied
we will never know Wink

#BestBubby

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 11:17 am

southernbubby wrote:

I did something similar. If a child told me that a sibling hit her, bothered her, I gave the victim
a hug and a chocolate chip but didn't say anything to the aggressor. The victim ran back SMILING and told the aggressor "I got a chocolate chip" so the aggressor got no satisfaction
from his/her bullying and it stopped. It's a great technique.

Laiya

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 3:36 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

There are still alternatives that convey all the right messages, teach empathy and self-control, but don't include potching