Potching lightly on the hand (literal slap on the wrist)

lilies

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 4:37 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I did something similar. If a child told me that a sibling hit her, bothered her, I gave the victim
a hug and a chocolate chip but didn't say anything to the aggressor. The victim ran back SMILING and told the aggressor "I got a chocolate chip" so the aggressor got no satisfaction
from his/her bullying and it stopped. It's a great technique.

The aggressors I know would just punch the victim again for receiving the chocolate chip.

nchr

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 4:39 pm

We do not hit our children, but a light painless potch on the hand does not sound like it would be very effective. For the same money, you could just speak sternly or reprimand the child or say a word like "reminder." I think if you want to give a child a potch it should at least hurt.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:00 pm

lilies wrote:

The aggressors I know would just punch the victim again for receiving the chocolate chip.

Or, what happened in my son's class, since they knew the teacher will give a chocolate to someone who got hurt, they took turns inventing stories about hurting each other so that each one gets a chocolate.

amother

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:02 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

The pendulum does need to swing in the opposite direction. Because too many of us know what it's like to be destroyed inside. Because parenting was about causing shame and humiliation to kids rather than encouraging and uplifting them. Parenting was about "how dare you go against me the parent" instead of teaching true respect. Parenting is not about the parent, it's about the child.

But many people give severe punishments like grounding and locking in a room, which is definitely worse than a slap (at least according to most kids).

lilies

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:09 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Kids are smarter than we think.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But many people give severe punishments like grounding and locking in a room, which is definitely worse than a slap (at least according to most kids).

I don't know if we can say what is worse, that is an opinion left to the individual. But I agree that locking a child in a room is abuse and grounding is too severe.

gamanit

Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:47 pm

nchr wrote:

Some kids respond more to touch than to words. Just like when you compliment them you give them a hug, when you need them to be mindful of the rules they need a tap on the hand or some other physical action.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Jan 23 2020, 12:26 am

lilies wrote:

The aggressors I know would just punch the victim again for receiving the chocolate chip.

I think this is actually more likely to set up a bad precedent where the "victim" learns to take pleasure in lording it over the aggressor and may begin to subtly provoke the aggressor so he gets to be a victim, receive the treat, lord it over again. Learned behavior that can eventually set a pattern and be very harmful to the victim. And also sets in motion a never ending vicious cycle between the two as it angers the aggressor who senses he is being manipulated by the victim (who actually becomes less of a victim and the worst sort of agressor--the emotionally manipulative type)/ it has the potential to set up a very twisted dynamic between the two.
I first heard of people using this method a couple of decades ago and it turned my stomach then. Still does.
I actually think spanking is less harmful in the long run.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Jan 23 2020, 10:32 am

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Agree with all but the last sentence. Rewarding the victim can encourage victimhood.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Jan 23 2020, 10:47 am

lilies wrote:

The aggressors I know would just punch the victim again for receiving the chocolate chip.

One of my kids would do that.
But another started making up stories about being hurt so that the "aggressor" would get in trouble.
In our house we tried the "ignore the bully, shower attention on the victim" method for about two weeks, it failed miserably. The "aggressor" (6) got a bit better but the "victim" (3) was enjoying the attention and candies and started lying to get the double rewards of rival punished and self rewarded.
Maybe it works with some kids, not with ours. I honestly can't see it working with kids over about a year or two, really. I feel like once they develop theory of mind, that's it, it's over. And around here that develops at about age 2, maybe a touch later.

#BestBubby

Thu, Jan 23 2020, 11:18 am

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

That could happen. A mother Pearl made the same point.

But the victim could also take pleasure in the bully getting punished - whether a spanking or
scolding, so that "dynamic" exists when any punishment is given to the bully.

It is very difficult to know who is the bully and who is the victim as often the victim provokes the bully to get him/her into trouble.

Maybe the only solution if there is on-going friction between two kids is to have them play in different rooms I.e. keep them separated as much as possible.