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Spinoff gentle parenting with adhd child
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:08 pm
Zehava wrote:
Most of the time personality disorders are the result of trauma


That's exactly what I was thinking.
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:09 pm
Zehava wrote:
Most of the time personality disorders are the result of trauma

Not true. Genetics play a big role.
No trauma here. Out of control behavior at a very young age
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:12 pm
I wasn’t aware that personality disorders are diagnosed at a young age
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:13 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
Not true. Genetics play a big role.
No trauma here. Out of control behavior at a very young age

Personality disorders are not genetic. They are often intergenerational because of the cycle of abuse and trauma. And how are you so sure that there is no trauma involved? In addition most personality disorders are not evident in young children, they come out in mid teens-early adulthood.
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:17 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
Not true. Genetics play a big role.
No trauma here. Out of control behavior at a very young age


Want to point out that even having a mother on bed-rest or a hard pregnancy/postpartum, or a parent going through trauma/ptsd, can cause trauma for a child.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:29 pm
I just googled and apparently there is new research pointing to a genetic component COMBINED with either trauma, or emotionally neglectful or abusive parenting.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:34 pm
lilies wrote:
You feeling sad and helpless is the triggered response.
Once you work through whatever it is that is making you feel sad and helpless you won't be 'triggered'.
All that means is you'll be able to approach the same situation with more objectivity. Not that you'll get any smarter Smile
What does happen is - because you are not being triggered you will be able to keep your cool. Overall, that usually ends up in you feeling confident and in control after an episode, instead of crying helpless in bed.


To clarify I’m not crying helpless in bed. It’s what I’m feeling inside when I’m torn between a few crying kids that I need to attend to & my son is completely out of control hurting others. What is the process of working through triggers?
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:47 pm
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
To clarify I’m not crying helpless in bed. It’s what I’m feeling inside when I’m torn between a few crying kids that I need to attend to & my son is completely out of control hurting others. What is the process of working through triggers?


"Crying in bed" was me projecting, sorry!

Therapy would be the best process.
Second-best - read books. "The Emotionally Absent Mother" would be a good book to start with.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:04 pm
I never tried gentle parenting. For me I find that my ADHD kid does better with a softer approach. It could be that gentle parenting doesn't give you enough skills so you eventually lose it.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:28 pm
lilies wrote:
"Crying in bed" was me projecting, sorry!

Therapy would be the best process.
Second-best - read books. "The Emotionally Absent Mother" would be a good book to start with.


So basicallly every mom can go to therapy lol!! I’m sure every kid has behaviors that bother mom. I guess the question would be how intense the behavior is? And what feeling it triggers in me? And why?
My strength is being there emotionally for my kids. I’m a very empathetic person by nature. In what way would this book help me?
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:35 pm
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
So basicallly every mom can go to therapy lol!! I’m sure every kid has behaviors that bother mom. I guess the question would be how intense the behavior is? And what feeling it triggers in me? And why?
My strength is being there emotionally for my kids. I’m a very empathetic person by nature. In what way would this book help me?


I'm assuming that she doesn't have and ADHD kid. The kid is the trigger. Nothing wrong with you. Feel free to pm me.
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:36 pm
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
So basicallly every mom can go to therapy lol!! I’m sure every kid has behaviors that bother mom. I guess the question would be how intense the behavior is? And what feeling it triggers in me? And why?
My strength is being there emotionally for my kids. I’m a very empathetic person by nature. In what way would this book help me?


That's right. It's about being aware of how much a scenario can affect your child. Once aware, you can address it so it makes sense to your kid and it doesn't cause trauma. See the thread on mom on bed-rest and kid thinking she's really sick..

This book is about healing your 'inner child'. That is the part being triggered.
The emotionally-absent mother would be you as a child needing a mother more attuned than you had. Every person can be emotionally-absent to a degree.
The title sounds bad, once you read it, it makes more sense
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 6:39 pm
behappy2 wrote:
I'm assuming that she doesn't have and ADHD kid. The kid is the trigger. Nothing wrong with you. Feel free to pm me.


Just because I have a disagreeing opinion doesn't mean I don't have the experience.
I was accused of not having kids at all on the spanking thread because I don't believe in using force with kids.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:26 pm
lilies wrote:
Just because I have a disagreeing opinion doesn't mean I don't have the experience.
I was accused of not having kids at all on the spanking thread because I don't believe in using force with kids.


Do you have a child with ADHD?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:39 pm
behappy2 wrote:
Do you have a child with ADHD?

I have. And my triggers play a huge part in my parenting.
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:40 pm
How did I know that would be your next question?
That proves my point.
If I say yes, what will it mean to you?
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:54 pm
lilies wrote:
How did I know that would be your next question?
That proves my point.
If I say yes, what will it mean to you?


If you say yes then I will assume your child is mildly ADHD and not moderately or severely. If you have a moderately or severely ADHD child and you blame your reactions in emotional triggers then you're not being honest with yourself or you don't have enough compassion for yourself. Of course our past effects us but as the saying goes "sometimes a stick is just a stick" (or something like that)
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:05 pm
behappy2 wrote:
If you say yes then I will assume your child is mildly ADHD and not moderately or severely. If you have a moderately or severely ADHD child and you blame your reactions in emotional triggers then you're not being honest with yourself or you don't have enough compassion for yourself. Of course our past effects us but as the saying goes "sometimes a stick is just a stick" (or something like that)


I get it now. Was not understanding your train of thought.
It's not about blaming reactions or not having compassion. The child's behavior is never going to be right or appropriate. It will still make you want to tear your hair out. The difference is this:
When I'm triggered - I can feel my heart racing and my blood pressure rising (can't really, but definitely feels that way) . Working through my own issues will only stop this reaction. There won't be triggers.
Do you feel triggered when you see another adhd child doing the exact thing your child does? I don't.
What if you are in charge of someone else's adhd child and their siblings and an episode goes down? My assumption is, you will approach the situation all cool, calm, and collected.
That's the difference.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:49 pm
lilies wrote:
That's right. It's about being aware of how much a scenario can affect your child. Once aware, you can address it so it makes sense to your kid and it doesn't cause trauma. See the thread on mom on bed-rest and kid thinking she's really sick..

This book is about healing your 'inner child'. That is the part being triggered.
The emotionally-absent mother would be you as a child needing a mother more attuned than you had. Every person can be emotionally-absent to a degree.
The title sounds bad, once you read it, it makes more sense


My strength lies in the areas that you’re describing. I have a wonderful relationship with my kids Bh and am attuned to their needs. This was taught to me by my mom who was emotionally there for us too. Hence the books relevance to me?
So when my intense child is so fuming mad because he didn’t like the dinner choices I gave home & he will purposefully barge into the babies room to wake them after I finally got them to sleep I will not be a happy camper. What is the trigger?
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:51 pm
lilies wrote:
I get it now. Was not understanding your train of thought.
It's not about blaming reactions or not having compassion. The child's behavior is never going to be right or appropriate. It will still make you want to tear your hair out. The difference is this:
When I'm triggered - I can feel my heart racing and my blood pressure rising (can't really, but definitely feels that way) . Working through my own issues will only stop this reaction. There won't be triggers.
Do you feel triggered when you see another adhd child doing the exact thing your child does? I don't.
What if you are in charge of someone else's adhd child and their siblings and an episode goes down? My assumption is, you will approach the situation all cool, calm, and collected.
That's the difference.


Because you're human! I once read a book. I wish I remembered the title or author, written by a Mom with an ADHD child. I read this before I knew how much I would need it. She writes about how she, a neuropsych eval, psychologist was so lost when her own son was diagnosed wth ADHD.

This is just a shout out to anyone dealing with an ADHD child. Its normal to be confused and lost and sad and what not and it doesn't mean you are broken inside. It means you love them and want the best for them!

Also we are all different and have different tolerances and value conflicts (bed vs no meltdown)

I kind of get what you're saying but I don't think it's true for everyone. For example if I planned to go to bed early and im cranky and my child has a meltdown then I will react emotionally, it's not all triggers.
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