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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:28 pm
My 8yo DS was on the phone talking with the one of his classmates, I overheard him taking about a strategies that he can use to fight back and show for the other boys that he's is stronger. When I tucked him into bed tonight I had the following conversation with him:
Me: anything going on in school
Him: nothing
Me: no fighting going on
Him: there a few boys in my class that are fighting me they're telling other kids in the class not to play with me not to be my friend so I want to show them that I'm stronger and I'm not afraid of them.
Me: You're stronger and brighter than the other kids they're just out for attention ignore them.

now this is the type of a child that hardly shares anything that's going on in school I literally have to schlep out what was for lunch that day.

How do I handle this? I have zero tolerance for bullying. I'll stop at nothing I just want to do the right thing and not mess up.
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:37 pm
My daughter was taken for an intake to the Jewish board of family and children's services for therapy.

They are required to report neglectful behavior by school staff.

As soon as I told principal she took matters into her hands and the bullying stopped.

(Nothing against principals. They likely were not bullied as children. They usually do not get it.)
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:42 pm
This just happened to me the other week.
Speak to the principal or teacher. There is usually a lot more that is going on in the class that contributes to this. They need to be on top of it.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:55 pm
lilies wrote:
This just happened to me the other week.
Speak to the principal or teacher. There is usually a lot more that is going on in the class that contributes to this. They need to be on top of it.


I was thinking of calling his Rebba. But you know how boys could be if one of the boys finds out the rebba knows he may make matters worse and start making fun that his mother called the rebba and his not enough strong, or something like that.
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I was thinking of calling his Rebba. But you know how boys could be if one of the boys finds out the rebba knows he may make matters worse and start making fun that his mother called the rebba and his not enough strong, or something like that.


Right. You need to be on top of the Rebbe for that. Or take it up to Menahel if that doesn't work.
It needs to stop and the class needs to know it will not be tolerated by the cheder at all. Get everyone involved and on the same page.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 8:58 pm
I've seen a lot of success with the method in the book Bullies 2 Buddies.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:22 pm
amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:
I've seen a lot of success with the method in the book Bullies 2 Buddies.


Can you give a basic rundown what the method is about? Tia
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:51 pm
Why are you getting involved when he is showing that he has ways to show he is strong? The best way to stop bullying is for the kid to show he isn't afraid. He's handling it. Only get involved if you need to.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:04 pm
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
Why are you getting involved when he is showing that he has ways to show he is strong? The best way to stop bullying is for the kid to show he isn't afraid. He's handling it. Only get involved if you need to.


Because I'm afraid it's going to get out of control and affect his self-esteem. I can't imagine how he feels knowing other boys are telling other kids in this class not to play with him, it's horrible.
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:19 pm
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
Why are you getting involved when he is showing that he has ways to show he is strong? The best way to stop bullying is for the kid to show he isn't afraid. He's handling it. Only get involved if you need to.


Bullying should be stopped from the top down.
This isn't a petty little fight for a child to handle on their own.
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yersp




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:34 pm
Call the rebbe TONIGHT. My son was bullied by a boy in his grade, not even from his class during lunch and recess. The rebbe put a stop to it.
If the rebbe can't stop it, you call the principal. Don't let this get out of hand.
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:40 pm
Call the rebbi call the principal, be on top of it. If it continues than I continue to keep calling principal and rebbi every day if need be until its fully taken care of. There is no room for bullying. And no room to kill child self esteem and mental health from being bullied!
Hatzalacha!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:41 pm
Thanks everyone

My son wants to take candy's to school for the kids that are his freinds. Do you think it's a good idea?
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:43 pm
He can give it to even the boys that bully him and say let's be friends. I've seen this work. When a kid is bullied sometimes the only way to stop it is by them becoming friends with each other
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 11:09 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
He can give it to even the boys that bully him and say let's be friends. I've seen this work. When a kid is bullied sometimes the only way to stop it is by them becoming friends with each other


The premise of the book Bullies 2 Buddies is to teach the child being bullied how to make friends with the bully.

Basically, says that kids who are bullies need respect and friendship. If you offer it to them, they will stop bullying you.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 11:24 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
He can give it to even the boys that bully him and say let's be friends. I've seen this work. When a kid is bullied sometimes the only way to stop it is by them becoming friends with each other

That doesn't work.
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oneofakind




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 23 2020, 8:14 am
Actually, in this case it might work. It sounds like he has friends on his side so it sounds like a civil war more than he is a lonely victim. Keep an eye on it but let him handle it if he feels he can. If it goes on for more than a few days you can get his Rebbi involved.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 23 2020, 8:41 am
I think the school needs to get involved. But at the same time, your son needs to be given tools and coaching. Many schools will have mashgichim to help with this.
Actually, the tools and coaching come first to empower your son in the healthiest way possible. The school will then need to figure out what they should do. They may want to launch a bullying campaign to educate all the parents and children, or they might decide to be more subtle. There are a lot of variables.

Hatzlacha!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 23 2020, 1:56 pm
I had to pull DD out of middle school because of bullying.

I taught her how to defend herself, but at first she was scared and just took it. Then she started pushing back, but got in trouble for "starting up" with the other kids, even though she didn't start it. This happened a few times, and I got a call, so I went down and had a meeting with all of her teachers and the principle.

They gave me the "zero tolerance" speech. I explained to them that ignoring the bully DOES NOT WORK. They will just keep at her and at her until they get the response they want.

I have also told DD that she needs to talk to whichever adult is nearby and in charge. She is always told to stop interrupting and go back to her seat, or to quit distracting the playground supervisor. A couple of teachers had even told her "go figure it out."

When she finally does get a teacher's attention, they often wouldn't believe her because the incident had long passed, and the other kids would deny it up and down, covering for each other. DD was labeled "whiny and attention seeking", which is about as far from the truth as possible. All she wanted was to be left alone.

So, after explaining all of this to the staff and admin, I asked them "What are you going to do to protect my daughter?", but they just looked at each other and shrugged, or looked at the floor.

I said "Right. I'm withdrawing DD immediately. You have just admitted that this is an unsafe environment, and you have no control over it." and walked out.

Shortly after that we made Aliyah, because I thought we could get a fresh start and a better school for her. A nice frum school with nice girls... um, no. Same thing, different country.

IMHO, the only thing that will stop a bully is an adult who is watching and holding them accountable. The second the adult turns their back, the bully will be right back at it. It's much too satisfying a game to give up, even at the risk of suspension. The bully gets all the emotional rewards of feeling empowered, and hardly any consequences, and no consequences that make an impact in any way.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 23 2020, 1:59 pm
Oh, and you want to know why I'm still so incredibly angry about this?

Because of the bullying, DD had a nervous breakdown. First she started cutting classes to avoid the bullies, and then she just refused to go to school at all and never left her room. Eventually she became so isolated and depressed when her friends dropped her, that she started cutting herself. She also developed a stutter and selective mutism.

That is why she is back living in the US with relatives. She is now in a full time therapy program.

Bullies took my child away from me. Crying
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