Triggers in Parenting

amother

Thu, Jan 23 2020, 12:48 pm

How do I work through my triggers? I know that I'm triggered because it's very reactive and emotional, and looking back I'm disgusted with myself for how I reacted. And it's a specific kid's behavior that pushes my buttons.

Part of it is identifying the triggers.

I was a pretty decently-behaved kid, but I had a sibling underneath me who was more difficult for my mom to handle and she flew off the handle with this kid, the kid definitely triggered her. Edited to add that I remember some sort of emotional "breakdown" when I was younger. I remember her locking herself in a room and my father and her parents begging her to come out. I always wonder how that affected me, specifically since in the later years I think she was such a great parent, I think it was probably untreated PPD during the child-bearing years (which I had, too).

Can that be a trigger for me? My mother's parenting as a template for me?

I did notice sometimes earlier in my parenting that her sighs and complaints ("I can't do this!") were the first ones to pop into my head during a challenging moment, and that scared me. But I noticed and worked on that. Thought it through and realized how I want to be different.

It's hard to confront the triggers when you're not aware. Really trying to figure it out.

zaq

Thu, Jan 23 2020, 1:14 pm

Your own parents’ parenting style will influence yours just as everything else your parents did will influence you one way or another. Don’t you hear yourself echoing things your parents used to say (not necessarily bad or mean, could be just not applicable to your current situation) even if you always told yourself you’d never say them to your children?

Good for you for trying to identify the things that set you off. In a quiet moment, plan the way you would prefer to react, and “rehearse” scenarios in your mind. “See” and “hear” yourself responding calmly, gently, but firmly. Replace the old worn-out “tapes” in your head with these new ones until they become habitual.

And don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect, Kids are resilient and your occasional episode of “losing it” won’t scar them for life.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jan 23 2020, 1:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes, of course, all your childhood experiences and even the emotional air you breathed at home inform your perspective on parenting today .

To identify triggers, sit with a pen and paper after you feel you overreacted to a stressors from one of your kids. Ask yourself, what was I feeling? Why? Why childhood wound did that behavior push into? How do I feel once I identified the trigger? Guilt? Fear?

Mother the little girl inside that is still feeling these feelings. Tell her how much you love her, that she didn't deserve whatever treatment she got, that she doesn't need to feel guilt or fear today...today she needs to be held, understood, and built up with confidence that she can replace old behaviors with better ones.

Then list better solutions to your kids' behavior than anger and adult tantrums. Teach the better solutions to your inner child. Tell her she can do better next time, she has new tools!

When you are next triggered, recognize your little girl reacting and tantruming. Remember she just wants love. Lovingly tell her, "go sit in that chair sweetie and I will hold you and understand you as soon as I can."

Then hold and understand your child in front of you. As him or her "You are very angry, frustrated, etc...tell me about that" Hear out the rage and frustration and VALIDATE it ("anger makes alot of sense when your brother bosses you," "it is so hard to wait when I can't pay attention to you!" "That is incredibly frustrating!"). Then set boundaries (We dont hit, pull, break things). Then offer solutions: "Next time, what do you think you could do when your brother bosses you? You can come get me, tell him you don't like to be bossed and say "please speak respectfully to me!", or punch a pillow to get your anger out, etc"

Later, remember to journal your triggered response and ask your inner child exactly what you asked your other child "You were very angry...why? Tell me about that..." validate your inner little girl. Teach her acceptable solutions.

Expect to do these routines for a long time, but eventually your inner child and your biological children will start to feel heard and validated and stop screaming and tantruming as much, and start automatically doing acceptable behaviors...healing WILL take place, just stay strong and consistent...