How To Be A Perfect Parent - easy (Mishpacha)

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Turquoise

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:13 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

The problem is that often, abusers see themselves as 100% in the right, and will call everyone else wrong or abusive if they insinuate otherwise.
So my fear is that many of these mothers who are crying that their children cut them off for no reason are in fact women whose children had every right to do so. I never met an abuser who admitted he or she was wrong.

And many of the children are not perfect either. There are very few human interactions where one party is 100% right and the other party is 100% wrong. Parent child relationships are not an exception.

sneakermom

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:29 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

That’s true in most cases. Except if someone is an abuser. Whether consciously or unconsciously they tear the other person down. And it’s not a fifty fifty situation.

And most abusers can’t shut off that setting. They are simply driven to abuse and nothing can stop it.

The only answer is to leave. If you stay you die. Many people choose that option too.

amother

Azure

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:31 pm

It's really not rare. I guess you don't know the right people. I happen to be friends with other women who have bpd mothers. I didn't know it when I met them but I seem to attract friends like me. Most of them had it worse than I did. Much much worse. The work they do on themselves is unbelievable. And they still havent managed to straighten out their lives because their trauma is that deep. Come to think of it, each one cut off their parents temporarily and then reopened contact for whatever reason. But they don't deal very well. Their mothers are still driving them crazy. Except the one who recontacted her mother after her mother was diagnosed with cancer. Another friend is forever managing her mother's emotions. Another battled anorexia and an extramarital relationship.
My theory is that an oldest daughter, which I am not, gets it the worst. Because the enmeshment is deeper, there is more to untangle.
For me it was "easier" to straighten out my life because I grew up rejecting everything I saw. I was the black sheep.

What I have in common with my friends is that we will never hit, yell, or shame our children.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:35 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

Well said. Very black and white thinking here. The child is not always or even usually right.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:36 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Well said. Very black and white thinking here. The child is not always or even usually right.

You are talking about normal parents, not abusive ones.

allthingsblue

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:37 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

Abusers are 100% wrong.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:40 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Abusers are 100% wrong.

Yes. They may not be evil people, they may not have meant to harm, but they are 100% wrong. No excuses.
It's complex and I find that most people can't wrap their heads around an abuser being 100% wrong, period, and that same abuser not being evil but having done what they thought was right. You can cut contact without hating the abuser and without thinking the abuser is an evil monster. They are abusive and harmful but they are not always inherently evil.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:43 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

You know, it's a common trap to fall into to think that just because I don't agree with you it means you're smarter than me and have more insight.

A lot of the posters here are just very naive, and I'll leave it at that.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:44 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Abusers are 100% wrong.

Except that it's not always 100% clear who the abuser is. I'm talking about adult children and parents.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:50 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

Except that it's not always 100% clear who the abuser is. I'm talking about adult children and parents.

Wh...wha...what?!?!?!

amother

Azure

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:55 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

The difference is that parents have the unique opportunity to act like parents instead of victims.
If a child needs space, it is ok to say how can we accommodate. Instead of temper tantrums and threats.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:57 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

You are talking about normal parents, not abusive ones.

Define abusive.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:00 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Define abusive.

How about, if you don't know what an abusive parent is like, don't try explaining why they just might be right and justified.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:11 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

How about, if you don't know what an abusive parent is like, don't try explaining why they just might be right and justified.

I know exactly what it's like. The fact is there are 2 sides to every story. Every abuser was once a child.

And honestly based on the nastiness of some of the people who claim to be abused in this thread, it clearly shows there are two sides.

If you abuse others because you were abused, that doesn't help anything.

amother

Azure

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:17 pm

Ugh whatever
This is why there is a private forum. Because abusers need to be the victims always.
Cutting off this thread now because it's turned horrible.

allthingsblue

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:23 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

If an abuser was abused as a kid, they are still 100% at fault for abusing. They should have taken responsibility and stopped the vicious cycle. There is never an excuse to abuse kids. Sure, I might understand why the abuse happened and why the abuser chose to act they way he or she did, but ang abuser is still 100% wrong. Think about it. They are abusing young kids who have never sinned in their life. Please tell me how a 5 year old kid can possibly be at fault for being abused?

allthingsblue

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:24 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

Except that it's not always 100% clear who the abuser is. I'm talking about adult children and parents.

If the child was abused as a young child, the abuser is clearly the parent.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:26 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

No one here is abusing others on this thread. Triggering, yes, abusing, no.
You are de-legitimizing victims of abuse. Period.
Every abuser was once a child, but even if they were abused as children, there's no excuse for them abusing others. We can understand that they also suffered, and feel sad for them, while not endangering ourselves by keeping contact with people who still, even now, insist on being abusive. We can understand that they had it tough, without taking away from the fact that in order to break the cycle, we need not to be in contact with them.
You are starting to sound like my (abusive) mother. Justifying abuse in order to prove that the victim isn't really a victim.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:31 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Obviously if the 5yo continues to be abused into adulthood, then s/he did something wrong and deserved that kind of treatment. Because good parents like s/he had don't act "abusively" just because. It could be they didn't act properly when the child was small, but if those actions continue the child did something to cause the parent to react that way. And if the child (now an adult) would just shape up, the parent would act the way the child wants. Because the child wouldn't be constantly hurting the parent and the parent would be able to be nice. How do you expect a parent who is constantly being mistreated by his/her child to act lovingly towards that child? This parent stayed up with the child when s/he threw up and all night long when the child was a baby and worked their tuchis off to send the child to school and make sure s/he did well and pay for the wedding and bar/bat mitzvah and buy clothes and put food on the table. How can you say the parent did wrong? S/he did the best s/he could, just like every other parent. If the child has an issue with that, then the issue belongs to the child. Spoiled ungrateful brat who doesn't deserve any of the good things or love or help the parent showered him/her with. If that child has an issue with the parent, s/he can be the adult and grow up and shape up and fix their problematic behavior (which was always problematic) and then s/he'll see that the parent was always loving and good.
You can't be THAT dense not to get it. Come ON.
/sarcasm

Zehava

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 5:32 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Ugh whatever
This is why there is a private forum. Because abusers need to be the victims always.
Cutting off this thread now because it's turned horrible.

Lol I only engaged so far because I’m sick and can’t move and this was a distraction.

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