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Bar mitzvah gift - who pays
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 12:43 am
My son has been invited to a bar mitzvah for a friend's brother. Lately he has become quite entitled and spoiled. ( Or maybe it's just me feeling the end of yeshiva week burn)

Anyway up until now we used to buy or give a birthday gift to any parties he was invited to.

I just now got the idea that maybe he can give the gift himself. Out of his own money. (He has a lot of his own money.)

My husband and I are just making rent, tuition, etc. In fact there are times when we need to push a bill or two off for a while.

We don't let him even spend his money on anything that we feel is something we should be providing. Maybe it's now time to let him learn how to spend his money.

Giving a bar mitzvah gift for a party you're invited to sounds like a good start? BH there are so many smachot and this party seems like not one we would need to send him to. So if he wants to go he gives the gift too?
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amother




Plum
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 12:48 am
How old is he? What type of a party and how much are you thinking is appropriate. If he is 16 and it is his friend's younger brother, and it is a kids' party (not fancy catered) then a $18 gift, which is more we are so happy for you/token/Hakarat hatov for the invitation, is more than appropriate and he can pick it out and pay for it himself. If it is a black tie affair and you feel that a $100 check is called for, then I would not expect him to write it.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 1:03 am
10 yrs old, kids party in shul basement, his friends brother.

I was thinking $36 with a card. Maybe he could give 26 and we would give the other 10.
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amother




Plum
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 1:48 am
I think he is a little young to give himself. If his money was gifted to him by grandparents.... it is either to put away or buy himself something special that he wants. It is a whole different story if he is earning the money and has ways to earn more. At 10, I would not expect him to pay.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 1:50 am
This doesn’t sit well with me. He’s only 10. That’s really young. His money is to save for when he’s older and needs it.
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baby12x




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 2:25 am
It's tempting but if he has a lot of money I would encourage you to discuss with him ways to put it aside and save it for some big future expenses.
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 2:34 am
I would not make a 10 year old pay for anything, except put gift money towards a gift that he wants. Eg: he wants a video game but grandparents gave money instead.
The parents of the bar mitzvah boy do not expect a 10 yr old to bring a gift.
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amother




Navy
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 7:16 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
10 yrs old, kids party in shul basement, his friends brother.

I was thinking $36 with a card. Maybe he could give 26 and we would give the other 10.


He should not give from his money. Honestly I doubt a gift from him is expected.
Many times the boys parents pitch in a small amount for a group gift for barmitzvah boy.
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amother




Azure
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 7:39 am
My son never gave a Bar Mitzvah gift and didn't receive any from the boys - only the adults. He had 60 boys. Check and make sure gifts are done. There's a point when the boys go to bar mitzvahs seemingly weekly.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 7:45 am
If my parents would have made me pay for friends gifts I doubt I would have given any . That is a very unreasonable expectation for a 10 year old to use his money for other people.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 7:47 am
You can give him the choice; go and pay a card, or a small gift, or don't go
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amother




Linen
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 8:08 am
I agree, I also do not think a brother’s friend at 10 is expected to bring a gift at all. I would let him go without a gift! especially if finances are tight, I would not spend here!
Good luck
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 8:26 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
10 yrs old, kids party in shul basement, his friends brother.

I was thinking $36 with a card. Maybe he could give 26 and we would give the other 10.

$36 with a card turns into $40. Thats a lot!!! your kid is 10. Why is he even going?
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 8:44 am
Don't make him pay.
For such an invite, it's ok for you to send a $10 pen in a nice box.
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BetsyTacy




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 10:27 am
Liking ra moms' advice was not enough!
A gift of a pen, a $10 sefer (I like a short vort available for $10 from Amazon)
is absolutely right.
It shows you are a classy parent who is teaching nice middos of giving an appropriate gift when invited to a party. $36 from a 10 year old is not expected.

A $4 card is not needed from a 10 year old either. A plain piece of paper, cut in half to make it more of a card size and folded over with one sentence of Mazel Tov, thank you for including me in your simcha, is plenty fine.

I forgot to add--a 10 year old does not need to pay for his own party gifts. You pay the $10, which you said was kind of in the budget.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 2:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
10 yrs old, kids party in shul basement, his friends brother.

I was thinking $36 with a card. Maybe he could give 26 and we would give the other 10.


I think it’s terrible to make a 10 year old use his own money to give a cash gift. You’re supposed to be supporting him. The fact that he has money is good, he will learn to save. Don’t take that away from him.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 2:36 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
I agree, I also do not think a brother’s friend at 10 is expected to bring a gift at all. I would let him go without a gift! especially if finances are tight, I would not spend here!
Good luck


I don’t think it’s nice not to bring a gift, the baalei simcha have to pay for the boy to eat. Not nice.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 3:25 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
I think it’s terrible to make a 10 year old use his own money to give a cash gift. You’re supposed to be supporting him. The fact that he has money is good, he will learn to save. Don’t take that away from him.


Well that's why I was asking the imamother world. Thanks to all who responded tactfully and made a great case. And even helped me come up with a good solution.

He has learned to save because I have taught him to save. And I wouldn't take money away from him. Telling him he needs to pay for something that I don't find necessary isn't taking money away from him. In fact a good chunk of the money isn't grandparents gifts. But rather jobs I insisted he do to earn money.

The question is at what point do you let your child spend on what you as a parent feel are extras. For his own classmates it would not have been a question for me. I would have given him a gift to give. But now he is in the world of being invited to siblings parties. I don't feel it's necessity to send him. So if he wants to go should be be responsible for being a good guest in his own.

I'm supposed to be supporting him? What exactly do you call rent, food on the table, new clothes, Chuckie cheese, scooters, shabbos treats money, tuition. Circle magazine subscription. Etc. It's not supporting? A parent is asking when is it appropriate to let a child learn that even going to parties can cost something ... Is all of a sudden not supporting?

I think I'll do what RaMom suggested. Reasonable and kindly offered advice.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 3:31 pm
BetsyTacy wrote:
Liking ra moms' advice was not enough!
A gift of a pen, a $10 sefer (I like a short vort available for $10 from Amazon)
is absolutely right.
It shows you are a classy parent who is teaching nice middos of giving an appropriate gift when invited to a party. $36 from a 10 year old is not expected.

A $4 card is not needed from a 10 year old either. A plain piece of paper, cut in half to make it more of a card size and folded over with one sentence of Mazel Tov, thank you for including me in your simcha, is plenty fine.

I forgot to add--a 10 year old does not need to pay for his own party gifts. You pay the $10, which you said was kind of in the budget.


Thanks! Can you link the book please? I can't seem to find it.
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 26 2020, 3:34 pm
OP, your child can use their own money when they want something that is x times more than what you had budgeted - they can fill in the difference. When they want to buy a birthday gift for a friend who is not having a birthday party. Or when they want to go to the ice cream shop and it's not a day that you're taking people out or treating. They should also be shown the value of saving, just for the saving factor. You sound like a great mom.
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