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Is this rude?
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MiracleMama




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 12:01 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don't want to intrude on her reading. She naps and then wakes up and reads on the couch.

I don't need things to change, I was just curious if it was rude or not.


I don't understand.

If it bothers you that she is reading and keeping to herself and you wish she would engage with you and your family more -- she's your sister and you should feel comfortable to tell her so.

But since you say you're fine with all her reading and not looking to change things.... why are you even asking if it's rude? If it works for her and it works for you, why does it need a label?
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 12:02 am
heck you even posted this thread in the guest forum and not in the family relationships forum.
very telling. Think about that.
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 12:24 am
I'd actually love a guest like this. yeah, I'm an introvert.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:35 am
OK, I’ll be the dissenting opinion here. Yes, it’s rude. A guest has a responsibility, too, which is to carry her share of social interaction. Otherwise, she’s not visiting you for Shabbos but using you as hoteliers, in which case she should pay you for food and lodging.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:48 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
Um shes your sister. she doesnt need to be spending her time being polite making small talk. the fact that she sleeps and reads shows that shes comfortable with you. the fact that you think its rude shows that your not so comfortable with her and you view her as a guest.


Or maybe it shows that I am happy to host her (involves cooking more food, changing the linen, cleaning the guest bathroom, keeping kids quiet in the morning) and I'd love someone to shmooze with as well, as sort of "reciprocation."
But guess what? I'm not going to say anything because I understand she's entitled to do what she wants.
I was curious to hear others' perspectives.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:09 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Lol
No. Sister.
She's not shy. She's extremely talkative in general to her friends and other family members. (And if she had a problem with me specifically, why would she choose to come to me for shabbos? I don't think that's it.)

My sister sleeps or reads the entire time she’s by me besides for the seuda. What’s wrong with that? It means she feels really comfortable to be herself around me. That makes me feel good.
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shmosmom




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:37 am
I enjoy my Shabbos spent reading and sleeping and only socializing by meals.
I like socializing, but Shabbos is my downtime and the meals provide enough social stimulation/conversation. I enjoy going to my MIL because I know she loves having me around, and doesn't mind if I spend my time doing what I enjoy.
In the beginning we both felt obligated to try to make conversation but now we both just chill.
OTOH if I'm at my aunt or my grandparents, which I go less often, I do feel obligated to try to make conversation more, but then I don't feel like I had my relaxing weekend.
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kenz




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:37 am
thunderstorm wrote:
My sister sleeps or reads the entire time she’s by me besides for the seuda. What’s wrong with that? It means she feels really comfortable to be herself around me. That makes me feel good.


This. I have teenage daughters - eating, sleeping and reading is what Shabbos is all about at this point of their lives. And hanging out with their friends, but certainly not sitting and having DMC's with me.
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Or maybe it shows that I am happy to host her (involves cooking more food, changing the linen, cleaning the guest bathroom, keeping kids quiet in the morning) and I'd love someone to shmooze with as well, as sort of "reciprocation."
But guess what? I'm not going to say anything because I understand she's entitled to do what she wants.
I was curious to hear others' perspectives.


I really think you should start treating her more like a member of the household, since that's how she is acting. Not as a consequence, but because that seems to be how she is fitting. So take the guest linens out of the closet and leave them folded on the bed for her to put on. Ask for her help with dishes, clearing, etc, whatever fits best, and do it regularly. Within a few visits, she will view this as part of coming. If you are doing the task together, you can talk. I don't think she will mind. I think she will view it as being part of a home. I know when I was in seminary, I felt better when my regular hosting family gave me things to do and I knew where I fit- when they didn't, I was more likely to go to my room.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:56 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Or maybe it shows that I am happy to host her (involves cooking more food, changing the linen, cleaning the guest bathroom, keeping kids quiet in the morning) and I'd love someone to shmooze with as well, as sort of "reciprocation."
But guess what? I'm not going to say anything because I understand she's entitled to do what she wants.
I was curious to hear others' perspectives.


see but this is the problem. You are supposed to "host" your guests. a sister isnt someone that you host. ESPC if you do this every shabbos. It really depends on your relationship. A sister you arent so close with who comes once a year- yeah your hosting her. but a sister who crashes by you every shabbos- does she even have to ask to come? or is it automatically assumed she will come? is not meant to be hosted- its meant to be like having your own family. its supposed to be easy comfortable like, would you say that you are hosting your husband for shabbos? Hosting your teenage daughter?
think of her the same way. Dont cook extra food, cook the same way you'd cook for your own family, (obviously throw in one extra piece of chicken but I mean in terms of variety dont go overboard.)

dont clean the guest bathroom- leave it the way it is, if she wants it clean she can do it herself. dont make her linen, if she is coming every single shabbos she should be doing that herself. and no most def do NOT keep your kids quiet in the morning so she can sleep- your house should run the exact same way it always runs if she is coming every single shabbos or you will grow resentment.
Im seeing the issue here- if your sister is treating you like a hotel and you are feeling used because she doesnt even chat with you, then yeah that is rude. Only you know your relationship with her, not a bunch of strangers. Only you can decide if its rude or not. You are not a hotel for her. and she should not be a source of entertainment for you, more like the 2 of you should be comfortable and easy around each other. if your not, you need to make some changes- called communication.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 11:08 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
see but this is the problem. You are supposed to "host" your guests. a sister isnt someone that you host. ESPC if you do this every shabbos. It really depends on your relationship. A sister you arent so close with who comes once a year- yeah your hosting her. but a sister who crashes by you every shabbos- does she even have to ask to come? or is it automatically assumed she will come? is not meant to be hosted- its meant to be like having your own family. its supposed to be easy comfortable like, would you say that you are hosting your husband for shabbos? Hosting your teenage daughter?
think of her the same way. Dont cook extra food, cook the same way you'd cook for your own family, (obviously throw in one extra piece of chicken but I mean in terms of variety dont go overboard.)

dont clean the guest bathroom- leave it the way it is, if she wants it clean she can do it herself. dont make her linen, if she is coming every single shabbos she should be doing that herself. and no most def do NOT keep your kids quiet in the morning so she can sleep- your house should run the exact same way it always runs if she is coming every single shabbos or you will grow resentment.
Im seeing the issue here- if your sister is treating you like a hotel and you are feeling used because she doesnt even chat with you, then yeah that is rude. Only you know your relationship with her, not a bunch of strangers. Only you can decide if its rude or not. You are not a hotel for her. and she should not be a source of entertainment for you, more like the 2 of you should be comfortable and easy around each other. if your not, you need to make some changes- called communication.


she is a guest - she doesn't live here. She's a family memeber who is a welcome guest. And I believe in hachnosas orchim, including having clean linen (which I need to do in case another guest comes and I don't want to wash last minute), enough food (she eats a lot), and keeping the kids away from her room in the morning.
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 11:54 am
Right, but she can still contribute, which helps both of you.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 12:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
she is a guest - she doesn't live here. She's a family memeber who is a welcome guest. And I believe in hachnosas orchim, including having clean linen (which I need to do in case another guest comes and I don't want to wash last minute), enough food (she eats a lot), and keeping the kids away from her room in the morning.


but the problem is shes coming EVERY single shabbos? from what you describe and the way you describe it it sounds like you have the type of relationship that is more formal- where you are welcoming her as a guest not as a sister- but in such a scenario such a guest would come once every few weeks or months and then yes in such a scenario said guest should be chatting with you and being polite in terms of talking with the hosts and not just coming and reading on the couch a whole shabbos. but if she is coming every single shabbos, then you have a mismatch here in terms of what you each expect from the other.
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Learning




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 27 2020, 12:04 pm
She spends the meals with you. It’s a big chunk of the time. The rest she needs to rest and recharge. I think you are being insensitive to her needs. It is not a easy being single. She spends the meals with your your family. She has her own life. She doesn’t need to be with all of you the whole Shabbos. It’s hard enough being the single person at a meal. Let her be her own person. A secular single person would never spend 24 hours with her married sister and a her family for multiple times a year. Because of Shabbos she is forced to. I think you don’t remember or didn’t experience being single for long time. And also it’s your sister!! I wouldn’t call it a guest. It’s family:)
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post  Mon, Feb 03 2020, 9:29 am
That sounds like an ideal shabbos afternoon to me. The prob her may be that you are more of an extrovert and she is more of an introvert. Maybe start up a conversation and see if shes open to it. When I have sisters for shabbos we both read on the couch but will chat her and there...
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flowers12345




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 03 2020, 12:06 pm
nahhh take it as a compliment- she's comfortable in your house Smile I was the same way as a teenager/early 20s
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