Home

Help me deal with my not handling this
Previous  1, 2
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




Ivory
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 1:58 pm
woudl drive me nuts too. had this with my son, and he's stubborn as can be. I think we told him if he can keep it neatly behind his ears he can keep them. we still need to remind him to neaten them up but it is what it is. but I hear you. I'm not sure how long is long that you are talking but maybe talk to him about looking neat and that he can keep them long as long as he takes care of them.. ?
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 2:31 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have this 1 10 year old that wants his payes long . For a very long time I just said nothing. I decided I will have to just make peace that he likes it this way and he is happy. Now it came to a point his payes really grew longer , and this already came to a point that IM NOT HANDLING IT. Its way long . Teally time to chop it a bit. And this kid is just sooo stubborn about it . He is not being convinced in any way to let me cut it . I told him that im just cutting off the end to make it neat . It really looks messy . Im feeling my width end. Number 1 what bothers me is that he doesnt take my words , if he is so strong about this, what will be with other things later on in life if he cant give in.

Later in life he's going to be an adult with complete control over how he dresses and how his hair looks and every other aspect of his life.

This is a normal, healthy step in that direction.

It would be a bad sign if he refused to compromise even on issues that affect other people, like refusing to clean shared living space. But insisting on styling his hair his own way is very age appropriate. I really wouldn't worry about it.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:07 pm
Didn't we have this exact same thread about 6 months ago? I even had to double check the date to make sure. OP even sounds the same, word for word.

OP, your son is an individual person. He is not one of your appendages, fashion accessories, or a billboard for your haskafot.

He is expressing himself, and this expression is a beautiful connection to a mitzva! If he loves this mitzva so much, how could you even contemplate taking it away from him?

Your life should not be about what the neighbors will think. Your life should be about having a loving relationship with your kids, and accepting the small things that make them happy.
Back to top

amother




Blonde
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:22 pm
Based on what you've posted in the past, this is a bigger issue than just his payes. In general his image does not fit the one you would choose, and it has become a point of contention between the two of you. Your relationship is unraveling over his clothing and his hair. Think about that. What would I do? Nothing. I would resolve not to comment on his image, ever. Every time I got the urge I would force myself to say something loving to him, completely unrelated to how he looks. Good luck.
Back to top

amother




White
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:27 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
woudl drive me nuts too. had this with my son, and he's stubborn as can be. I think we told him if he can keep it neatly behind his ears he can keep them. we still need to remind him to neaten them up but it is what it is. but I hear you. I'm not sure how long is long that you are talking but maybe talk to him about looking neat and that he can keep them long as long as he takes care of them.. ?


Otherwise? you would hold his hands down and cut them?

(all jokes aside your relationship with your child seems to be different from the op's)
Back to top

amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:32 pm
Just sneak into his room and cut them while he's sleeping. If he's a light sleeper, makes sure you give him a triple dose of melatonin before bedtime. Problem solved!

I'm sure that will improve your relationship. Rolling Eyes

/sarcasm
Back to top

amother




Navy
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:44 pm
OP is your kid on the spectrum or have some other diagnosis? Does he tend to be rigid and stubborn about a lot of things or is it just this?
Back to top

amother




Violet
 

Post Wed, Jan 29 2020, 6:23 am
I think anytime a child doesn't go along with something that I have in mind and it's not something dangerous or inconsiderate of others/against halacha, I have to re-prioritize my feelings. Hashem did not give me this child so he can be a replica of me and my family/derech. Hashem wants me to love this child unconditionally and will put constant tests in my direction to see how I react to disobedience to my request or demand. Sometimes I just have to let the issue go and express to the child that I would prefer he do what I ask but I still love him. There's nothing he could do to make me stop loving him. I have had a child go OTD and return lovingly BH so I am speaking firsthand. I used to make a big deal over not tzanua clothes for my dd and she rebelled badly. I then decided to love her no matter what, look at her bad choices like a mistake she is making instead of a personal affront to the way I raised her and lo and behold, she felt my love and acceptance even though she knew 100% I didn't approve and she came back. She is so careful with tzinus now out of her own choice.

I would not choose to fight over an issue that is a religious one that is not going against halacha at all. That can for sure backfire in the worst way. Imagine it in your head...if he goes OTD totally because of this, would you forgive yourself? Thank Hashem that it is a relatively small issue and he is a wonderful child. Then imagine he went OTD and came back but insisted on his peyos this way. If you would make yourself forget the issue at that point, make yourself forget the issue now, before anything actually happens. Look at his long messy peyos with joy. This takes work but can definitely be done. Maybe he identifies with a sect with longer peyos? Maybe he had a dream where he had them and really wanted them? Maybe he feels closer to Hashem this way? Then that is such a beautiful thing. Your child does not have to be like you although we all wish it that way.

There has been so much tragedy lately. When a child of mine does something I am not happy with, I just imagine the parent who lost a child and would do anything to have their child back even doing the thing my child is doing, something that is against their wishes. It really puts things into perspective. Not to dismiss your feelings per se but to realize life is short and we must choose our battles.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jan 29 2020, 7:11 am
Thank you for all clever responses.

I decided if im making a big deal out of these things means that. " I must work on myself. and I do. I started mentioning to him once every few weeks about it , but I dont go back again and again. I mention once and then I move on and dont talk about it anymore.
No, he is not like this with everything. he just has his own taste and he is a very erlech good neshama . He is a very good hearted helpful child bh. He has small mishigasen (sorry dono the english word for it) that I have to start accepting that its not the worst . Im working hard to be ok with a kid that has different taste and mindset then I.
About cutting in middle of sleep , that u can do to a 3 or 4 year old maybe. Not with a 10 year old . He would never forgive me doing this , 1) he would feel I cut his payes during sleep , I dont see why it shouldnt wake him up, and 2) he is smart enough to recognize that his payas was touched. He is trying to keep it neat tho, I wasnt used to it but sort of starting to get used to it . All I want is a healthy child. If I think differently, I look @ it differently, and then I can react to it differently.
Back to top
Previous  1, 2 Recent Topics

Page 2 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Can’t deal with throw up
by amother
27 Sun, Feb 21 2021, 2:17 am View last post
Chosson/ kallah breakfast package with Delivery in Deal
by amother
3 Tue, Feb 16 2021, 3:34 pm View last post
Daven for me and.... ill make a deal
by amother
7 Tue, Feb 02 2021, 2:15 pm View last post
Deal NJ - Food and attractions help!
by amother
5 Tue, Jan 26 2021, 11:21 am View last post
How to deal with my 4 year old son
by amother
3 Tue, Jan 19 2021, 5:53 pm View last post