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WWYD concerned about child's friend

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 8:59 am
DD is in middle school. She was complaining that she's bored of all the usual lunches I send her. I asked her what her friends bring to see if we could come up with some new ideas. She said one of her friends that she sits with every day at lunchtime never actually eats anything. That sent a warning flag up in my head. I casually asked a couple of questions to find out more and it seems this has been going on for months and that the girl makes excuses like she doesn't have time or she forgot her food at home or whatever she did bring is gross.

Is it just me or does that sound like she might have an eating disorder? My other thought was that maybe the family couldn't afford to send lunch every day, but I got the name out of DD and I know the family and I don't think that's likely.

So this is a good friend of DD and I don't want to make any waves that could cause problems for their friendship. And it's probably nothing or just a kid being picky or whatever but on the off chance that it is an eating disorder and there's a chance she could be helped if it's caught then I don't want to just ignore it.

WWYD?
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chipmunks




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:03 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
DD is in middle school. She was complaining that she's bored of all the usual lunches I send her. I asked her what her friends bring to see if we could come up with some new ideas. She said one of her friends that she sits with every day at lunchtime never actually eats anything. That sent a warning flag up in my head. I casually asked a couple of questions to find out more and it seems this has been going on for months and that the girl makes excuses like she doesn't have time or she forgot her food at home or whatever she did bring is gross.

Is it just me or does that sound like she might have an eating disorder? My other thought was that maybe the family couldn't afford to send lunch every day, but I got the name out of DD and I know the family and I don't think that's likely.

So this is a good friend of DD and I don't want to make any waves that could cause problems for their friendship. And it's probably nothing or just a kid being picky or whatever but on the off chance that it is an eating disorder and there's a chance she could be helped if it's caught then I don't want to just ignore it.

WWYD?


Maybe have a quick confidential talk with a teacher who would be able to keep an eye on the situation? Then it has nothing to do with your child's friendship if the teacher can just mention to the parents that she (the teacher) has seen their child forgoing food lately and maybe they should have it checked out. Then the doctor can use appropriate medical expertise. I know of a situation where people were sooo convinced the child had an eating disorder and in the end it was a terrible case of strep that had gone undiagnosed for far too long.
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:04 am
to be honest, you sound like you are jumping to conclusions. maybe she is picky eater etc. highly unlikely its an eating disorder
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:05 am
It could be a sick mom. DD had that problem when I was sick. BH for another mom who sent in double food. Can you try sending in something?
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:11 am
amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:
to be honest, you sound like you are jumping to conclusions. maybe she is picky eater etc. highly unlikely its an eating disorder


Even if she might be jumping to conclusions, she still should let a competent staff member know about it. It's the responsible thing to do. Rather be safe then sorry.
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saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:17 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
DD is in middle school. She was complaining that she's bored of all the usual lunches I send her. I asked her what her friends bring to see if we could come up with some new ideas. She said one of her friends that she sits with every day at lunchtime never actually eats anything. That sent a warning flag up in my head. I casually asked a couple of questions to find out more and it seems this has been going on for months and that the girl makes excuses like she doesn't have time or she forgot her food at home or whatever she did bring is gross.

Is it just me or does that sound like she might have an eating disorder? My other thought was that maybe the family couldn't afford to send lunch every day, but I got the name out of DD and I know the family and I don't think that's likely.

So this is a good friend of DD and I don't want to make any waves that could cause problems for their friendship. And it's probably nothing or just a kid being picky or whatever but on the off chance that it is an eating disorder and there's a chance she could be helped if it's caught then I don't want to just ignore it.

WWYD?


Once my mother stopped packing my lunch, I rarely took anything. I was just too lazy to pre-plan. I didn't have an eating disorder.

If you know the mom, maybe casually bring up that you are looking for some ideas of what to pack and ask her what she does.
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:38 am
I don’t know your financial situation so might not be an option. but can your daughter take double lunch for a few days?
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:47 am
Probably better not to get involved. A lot of damage can be done here by jumping to the wrong conclusions. It can be awkward and embarrassing for both the girl and her family. Also, your daughter might never trust you again with anyone elses' personal information, let alone her own. For the sake of your relationship with your daughter it might be better not to interject into the lives of her friends.
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:51 am
My mother used to pack my lunch but then she stopped when she was expecting my brother and could not look at food. To me, waking up early to pack lunch just wasn't worth it. I did not have an eating disorder and Usually just ate a lot when I got home. But I did have a friend who used to warn me that since I wasn't eating properly I might not be able to have kids when I grew up... I wonder if her mom told her to say that. I do have kids now Wink
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 9:55 am
you could easily be describing my dd who is about that age. school provides lunch but she hates it. any thing I offered to send her with she didn't want. she's been a picky eater all her life. would rather starve than eat something that's not perfectly to her taste. her pediatrician kind of diagnosed her with an eating disorder but her height and weight are within a healthy range so I think she's ok. (MIL told me my dh was like that EXACTLY!!!!) I have another kid like this also.
I took her to a nutritionist and told her she needs to lay out 3-4 meal choices for every meal, breakfast lunch and supper. plus identify filling snacks. and be willing to try a couple of new foods each week. I pretty much told her she has to do this, didn't give her much of a choice. BH she went along with it and is following her meal plans nicely. I make sure to stock up on the foods she needs and she's bh eating much better. I think its a trend in her class "to be too cool for food" type of attitude. I know other kids in her class resist eating lunch.

I'd reach out to the teacher, tell her you're concerned. let her call the mother. maybe the kid is having a huge breakfast and dinner so snacks in school are enough for her. (I have a preschooler that does that, hates school lunch but hes' home at 3 so eats a meal then and then again my supper.) maybe she's just super picky and needs to identify foods she will eat. like I did with my dd.
good luck!
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 10:03 am
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
Probably better not to get involved. A lot of damage can be done here by jumping to the wrong conclusions. It can be awkward and embarrassing for both the girl and her family. Also, your daughter might never trust you again with anyone elses' personal information, let alone her own. For the sake of your relationship with your daughter it might be better not to interject into the lives of her friends.


And what if something serious is going on and no one is realizing?? OP can discuss it with her daughter and ask her daughter what she thinks she should do.
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teachkids




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 10:11 am
I would mention it to the teacher to keep an eye on with no conclusions. She’s know more of the story and what to investigate.

I have students who don’t eat lunch.
Yes, sometimes it is an eating disorder. But sometimes it’s also a kid on ADHD meds with no appetite during the day. Or a kid who eats two huge snacks instead of a meal. Or a kid who is expected to pack their own lunch and doesn’t bother.
you could offer your child extra food to share and see if that changes anything, but don’t pass your conclusions onto your child.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 11:14 am
teachkids wrote:
I would mention it to the teacher to keep an eye on with no conclusions. She’s know more of the story and what to investigate.

I have students who don’t eat lunch.
Yes, sometimes it is an eating disorder. But sometimes it’s also a kid on ADHD meds with no appetite during the day. Or a kid who eats two huge snacks instead of a meal. Or a kid who is expected to pack their own lunch and doesn’t bother.
you could offer your child extra food to share and see if that changes anything, but don’t pass your conclusions onto your child.


Exactly what I was going to say!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 1:01 pm
Thanks for weighing in. I will send an email to the teacher.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 3:53 pm
One year DD asked me to pack double lunch, because she noticed that her friend never had food. She knew that her friend was not from a very well off family, and that there were tons of siblings. DD even offered to pay for the extra food with her Chanuka and bas mitzva money. Heart I told her she didn't need to, and I would be happy to pay for the extra food.

She told me that she was going to complain that I always pack things she doesn't like, and see if the girl wants the food instead. Either that, or she'll complain that there are two sandwiches, and she can't eat that much. DD was very concerned that the girl never think that she's nebach a charity case. I thought that was very sensitive of her, and I was super impressed.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Jan 28 2020, 6:00 pm
I don't think this is a money issue. Of course I can't know what happens behind closed doors but I know the family well enough to be comfortable sending DD for sleepovers. Both parents work and they send their kids to extracurricular activities and have other extra type things that a lower income family would cut out.

I heard back from the teacher thanking me for reaching out because these are concerning signs. She will discreetly monitor the girl at meal and snack times and follow up if necessary. B"H someone will be paying attention and now I can go back to minding my own business which is what I normally prefer to do!
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