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Forum -> Parenting our children
Who can help with practical solutions for my add son



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 11:28 am
So here’s my sons history, he’s almost 12 years old. Two years ago he was finally diagnosed with add, which between me and you we knew he is without needing anyone to literally diagnose him.
Not long ago we put him on vyvanse which is really helping out with his classroom manners. He’s learning and staying focused much better on his learning...
But that only works for about 8 hours of the day. The problem is the mornings and the evenings before and after the meds. I keep hearing the kid needs love love and love. But can someone explain to me how I can really love him and not show anger towards him when he really gets me mad?!? For example when he misses his bus every other morning?? Which he has done great with all year but only lately starting missing...
Or when he comes home in a bad mood and bickers with his siblings or is really moody to his mom?? Or let’s say he comes home with a made up mind of something that he wants that I disagree with and then blows for the rest of the night?
Another example... yesterday in the morning he missed his bus, such a time I act as if he’s not around and ignore him. After school he came home saying that there’s being a wedding his class is attending but I got a Notice a few days ago that only boys that can watch over themselves and are responsible enough and can show up at the wedding without adult supervision. I told him he lacks responsibility (which he really does) and will not be able to attend the wedding without his father, but will be able to join the wedding later in the night along with his father. He was mad of course And blew all through the night until bedtime.
Now can someone give me practical examples of how I should handle these situations with love? When the kid is getting me really really really mad.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 11:31 am
I really suggest that you read the book the explosive child. If you dont want to read it you can access a lot of the same information at www.livesinthebalance.org. Reading the book helped me to really change how I view my child and his challenges and now most of the time I can look at him with empathy more then irritation.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 11:34 am
Op here, I can look at him with empathy too, that’s not a problem. But you as the mother being mechanech the child... how would you react spontaneously? Can you help me with one example?
I’ve heard SO many lectures that explain my child to the T but no practical examples...
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 11:36 am
Op here:
I KNOW VERY WELL that he has an issue...
But I’m looking for practical advice... day to day practical advice...
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 11:54 am
I find for my own kid that when I focus on the practical skills he needs to get along in the world, the drama slips away. I am not perfect, there will always be times someone yells or whines or slams a door. Kids with a low frustration tolerance are just that way and parenting them is really hard. I have learned that I can only change my own reactions not my kids.

One example, if he cant get up for school instead of yelling I try to calmly get him to school as best as I can and then in a calm time we talk about why he had a hard time getting up and dressed. Invite him to contribute his own suggestions and you give yours and try to help him with a more effective routine. For me, when I get into solve problem mode it overrides the feeling of why cant you just get it that takes up space in my brain and makes everyone cranky.

I think with your chassunah example you want to be careful because he is a big boy with feelings and it probably hurts to be told hes not as responsible as other kids in his class. If hes receptive, you can go over a check list of dos and donts with him before he goes to something. I assume he will start going to bar mitzvahs of classmates next year so teaching him how to act at social events without you is a good project.

I hope this helps.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:21 pm
OP here..
But between me and you I know that he is not responsible, or maybe even immature. On the notice they stated that kids that cannot stay inside at the wedding or will play outside on the street dont belong there. Well guess what?!?!? where do you think my son is almost ALL the time when he goes with my husband to shul every shabbos?!? Hes on the street playing.. so how can I trust him at such an event? It wouldnt be responsible of ME to allow him to go without supervision. Even though other kids his age, or even some of my other kids I would have no problem trusting...

Regarding his waking up in the morning, its actually for a shachris bus. Now in the beginning all my friends told me let him handle it alone or youll spoil him by getting up every morning and looking after him, So I threw the ball in his court in the beginning and he managed on his own BEAUTIFULLY! lately hes gotten rusty about it, and gets lost and stuck on things on the way...
For example one morning id find him cutting his toe nails early morning... I mean really now?!?! No better time to cut it? Of course I got mad and pulled the nail clipper out of his hands...
Hes the type of kid that wears a watch but forgets to check what time it is... he'd take his time (has 30 mins from wake up till his bus which should be enough for just dressing) gets dressed and then the last minute will rush like an IDIOT! No time management whatsoever... I make sure not to be around so as not to pressure him and so that he doesnt see my anger but it aint working...
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amother
Blush


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:40 pm
If you want outside help to guide you I highly recommend Levi Yitzchok Albert - iloveadhd.com
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:48 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
If you want outside help to guide you I highly recommend Levi Yitzchok Albert - iloveadhd.com


Op Here:
Can you describe what kind of help you received and how you felt after the help you received?
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amother
Blush


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 2:09 pm
He guided us on how to appreciate the add and how to use it to it's potential. and what is important to ignore - or rather to ignore in the moment and then address later in problem solving with the child.

that's in real quick but we got a lot from each session.

(and catered to exactly what we needed)
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 2:16 pm
Op here
You took his course over the phone or got actual day to day support from him?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 2:30 pm
I trained an automatic response in myself, like Pavlov's dogs.

When DD would yell, I would lower my voice. The louder she got, the gentler I got.

If you give him more of what he already has, it will just amplify. If you counter with the opposite, it will take things back towards normal.

Remember, he's also right in the middle of his hormones, so that is going to make things 100 times harder for him. He doesn't even know why he's freaking out half the time, I will bet you. I also think he would calm down IF HE COULD, but he literally cannot regulate his emotions. His feelings are off the charts, and he needs you to be the rock in the middle of the storm. You are his constant, the one who holds his world together. If you lose it, then who's in charge?

It's OK to be frustrated. Just save it for when he's out of the house and off to school. There are parenting coaches for people with ADD kids, and for ADD adults as well. Learning how to put some systems in place is very helpful. Try to streamline and "ADD proof" his morning routine, and things like that.

As for coming home cranky, he's probably starving. Most boys are at that age. As soon as he comes in the door, shove a snack in his hand. It doesn't even have to be super healthy. A granola bar full of sugar is enough. If you can get him to eat a piece of toast and a hard boiled egg, that's even better.

When he starts bickering with his siblings, instead of yelling at him to stop, focus on him and say "What is bothering you? What do you think would make things better?" This shows that he is part of the solution to his problem, and puts him in charge of fixing it. It also shows him that you are listening to him, and even though he may not show that he appreciates it at the time, it will make a big impact on him.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, Jan 28 2020, 4:42 pm
The most practical advice that will definitely help is, get his prescription for the 12 hour duration. Ask your dr for it.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Wed, Jan 29 2020, 2:20 am
Quote:
You took his course over the phone or got actual day to day support from him?

went for coaching
As mothers the way we respond can make a big difference. (but it's not easy it is a lot of work - but I see a big difference in my child)
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, Jan 29 2020, 3:21 am
Please please please read the book “ smart but scattered”
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Wed, Jan 29 2020, 8:40 am
I’m not quite secure enough to post under my screen name yet for this ☹️

I’ve had an ADHD diagnosis officially for a while but I really pursued it just so I could use the medications for weight loss (I was 100% upfront with my doctor, and she was cool with it - probably because she saw what I was denying). I know my daughter has it and it’s a struggle to deal with her. In the past week, for some reason it really just clicked for me, that I really do have ADHD myself and it truly affects every area of my life. I have been watching YouTube videos of doctors talking about it, as well as adults with ADHD. Listening to them brings me to tears: that’s me. That’s why I’m such a disaster. That’s why I’m always late, and disorganized, and can’t follow through and a million other things. Good things too, by the way - cool in emergency situations, creative, empathetic...
But DH and I have both been watching these videos and they have made so many things make more sense regarding both me and my daughter. They have a lot of practical advice, but even more importantly in my opinion, is just understanding WHY it’s happening: what is happening or not happening in the brain. It’s way beyond medication, it’s understanding it so you approach it very differently.

Dr Russel Barkley is excellent, though he is very academically/medically oriented so it’s very serious and can be difficult to sit through
There’s a TedXTalk by Jessica McCabe , and she also has a fun YouTube channel - How to ADHD.

I highly recommend watching some of these. It will change your perspective and approach
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Jan 29 2020, 10:36 am
All of the above and 1. being in shul is not the same as being at a wedding and being told to your face that you are irresponsible is hurtful and likely to provoke an angry reaction 2. pulling things away from him is also likely to do that. Yes he needs longer lasting meds and you need assistance so he doesn't trigger you.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Thu, Jan 30 2020, 1:06 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
If you want outside help to guide you I highly recommend Levi Yitzchok Albert - iloveadhd.com


Not op- have you worked with him over the phone?
Would you be able to email me about it?
I just spoke with him....
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 30 2020, 1:11 pm
Op here
I’ve tried rabbi Albert, but I live in New York and the connection and the time zone is not so convenient. Can anyone recommend a coach that’s in the New York area?
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Thu, Jan 30 2020, 1:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Op here
I’ve tried rabbi Albert, but I live in New York and the connection and the time zone is not so convenient. Can anyone recommend a coach that’s in the New York area?


I was asking the person who suggested him.
In my case I have it.
Plus prob a few of my kids
One just diagnosed....
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 30 2020, 3:20 pm
One point I'm confused about -- if a 12 year old boy misses his bus isnt it really important for him to make it to yeshiva?
You did indicate that he came home from school, the question is how did he get there?
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