School Dinner Protocol

amother

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:24 pm

Backround: oldest dc is in a new school. school has been around less than 5 years. Dc started this year. Obviously we are very eager for school to be a success. School needs money. Things are tight at home but it was important to dh tp pledge an X amount extra per month when asked by Dean. Shortly after we get mail for school dinner. Dh says he just gave $ doesnt want to give ad or pay for a seat. My parents gave $ bec they got the school mailing too. Mom asked how was the dinner? I said I didnt go. My friend asked how was the dinner? I said I didnt go. Both seems horrified. Mom said I should have at least stopped in to show support. I told her I didnt pay for a seat, she said even so I should have. Im so confused. Is that the norm? Im new to this!

amother

Slategray

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:39 pm

I wouldn't go unless I asked someone first but sometimes places actually do want "bodies" and not just "money". It shows the donors who will be there that this organization/school is important to peoople. That's probably where the people you spoke to are coming from.

watergirl

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for the replies. Asking because of everyone's shocked reactions- is it way out of the norm to not attend/pay for a seat at your childs schools dinner? Cant believe everyone is paying $400 to be there...

Those who can afford it should go. I think most schools offer teachers free seats and their spouses get a discount. Out of the many many years we have had kids in school, we have attended three dinners. Twice was when we were teaching at the school - the dinner was not free - they asked parents to sponsor a teacher. And when I say asked, it was more like they bullied them. No one really wanted to go, it was really a weird situation. DH and I went last year to the school dinner because they were doing one of those matching campaigns and a $500 donation entitled the donor to two dinner tickets (the dinner was 2 weeks after the campaign). My family member donated and insisted DH and I went in their place. But it was very uncomfortable because - next point -

Those on financial assistance (like DH and I) really should not be buying tickets to these dinners. The school would much rather our $500 go to pay basic tuition before spending it on the dinner. The year we were gifted tickets, we avoided the tuition officer until she saw us - then we told her how we ended up there.

mha3484

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:44 pm

My school wants both your money and your presence. If you wanted to go to the dinner and could not afford, they offer a reduced rate. We have a give and get obligation per family and the dinner counts so I pay the full amount and it lowers my cheshbon.

$400 is a lot of money. Our dinner is $100 per person.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In my experience if you pledge a monthly amount they would give you a ticket or a reduced ticket. Next time have your husband ask the dean or cal the fundraising office. Have no shame, you are doing your part ++. That being said, dinners at small schools usually lost parents go and it is important to the school...

amother

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 12:53 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

We didnt know to ask. Also we didnt care to ask, we are giving money and didnt care to attend the dinner.

keym

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 1:04 pm

My boys school charges a dinner fee $200. It has to be paid even if I don't go.
But a $200 ad in the journal makes us eligible for a "free" seat. So we do that and one of us goes.
Ime schools want the money, a full house, and a fat journal, and work with the parents to make that happen.
Of course it depends who the honoree is that year.
The year the honoree was an up and coming politician, they gave us all free seats, just come.
Less so when the honoree was a grandparent.

sky

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 1:11 pm

I’m in Lakewood.
Both My children’s school very much wants the parents presence regardless if you paid.
It builds pride in school. Shows you care and support school.
There is no assigned seating and no one checks if you paid anything.
They used to give out gifts to those who donate at the dinners but now do it in private so not to embarrass or call out those who do not pay.

Eta- we were told by accountant that money paid to optional dinner is tax deductible unlike tuition. And rav said money is masser unlike tuition. So I feel like dinner payment is from my ma’aser account while tuition is from my earnings account. 2 different cheshbons.

amother

Natural

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 1:31 pm

The schools where we live have a mandatory dinner fee that gets tacked on to tuition. That entitles us to 2 seats. Of course the dinner is a major fundraiser and they also raise money through sponsorships and journal ads and bringing in paying guests who feel obligated to attend based upon the honorees. The school also wants the parents to be there to build a sense of community and school pride.

DH and I rarely attend. It's hard for us to get out of the house together at night and if we make it happen we'd rather do almost anything else than attend a dinner. We really only make the effort if we know the honorees personally and feel obligated to put in an appearance. We joke that the school makes more money from us not attending the dinner.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 1:51 pm

Many schools bake it into the tuition. Ours does. If you pay full tuition, you are entitled to two dinner tickets. Dh hates going to dinners and isn't interested, I go because I do want to show my support by showing up, but also because you know what, I'm paying for it anyway, may as well enjoy a nice meal out. Some years my mother has accompanied me in Dh's place, other years I go alone, but I almost always go.

amother

Lime

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 3:31 pm

I attended my dc school dinner exactly once, and then only b/c a good friend was being honored. All other times I forfeited the tix, meaning told the school they can give mine to someone else. You can take my money or waste my time but not both.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Jan 28 2020, 4:22 pm

Its included in my kids tuition as a mandatory dinner fee....my n dh dont go bec with work n kids we are too exhausted...yes, some schools do want ppl too not just the money...but you want to make sure. ..bec if you didnt buy tickets, its awkward to just go unless they call you and ask you to go(like my kids schools do) .