Parenting my Explosive Child

amother

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 7:59 am

I have a pre-teen son who is very well behaved, great student, well liked by his peers etc until he's not and it is always at home. Then he is explosive in a way that many parents don't understand. His eyes get wild, he loses all control and starts throwing things and attacking his siblings.

His major triggers are being tired or hungry, with a small amount of being upset about something.

I am very familiar with The Explosive Child and we implement it where we can. But I find that I can't Plan B around physical limitations.

Our current battle is over the super bowl. He was invited to a party but I'm concerned that it's a school night and he can't handle staying up late. I am not willing to deal with the aftermath of him being tired, which will last all week since he can't sleep in Monday morning, for a football game. We've tried to come to a mutually satisfactory decision but there is none. There are no solutions that allow him to get enough sleep and go to his friend's party. I can't help that he needs way more sleep than his peers.

I'm just exhausted dealing with this behavior. It is way worse in the winter.

I would appreciate any advice that you can offer (not specifically about the party because that's not going to work out) about parenting explosive children and surviving their childhood. We are in a downward spiral and neither of us are doing well.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 9:02 am

I really understand where u are coming from . I had a son similar to this , he is in therapy and on zoloft, zoloft is good because his behavior sounds like he has anxiety . Zoloft is very good for calming down. My son used to be very aggressive and since he started taking zoloft he is a different person and so much calmer . Of course its important someone to evaluate and prescribe it to him , and with therapy, that can do lots of wonders. I have many tips for u if u wanna pm me u can. The most important thing is for u to stay calm always. I know its hard .. good luck!

amother

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 12:20 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

We started sending him to see a psychologist once a week.
Good luck, this is so so challenging:(
Reread and edited

Was it helpful? That's my planned next step.

Zehava wrote:

Your description is concerning. It doesn’t sound like garden variety explosiveness. Especially since the triggers are physical, it could be a physical/chemical problem in the brain. I recommend you get him evaluated by a competent neurologist or psychiatrist.

HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) is a very common trigger for all sorts of things. I don't know what you mean by "garden variety explosiveness" because explosive children by nature are not "garden variety."

Explosive children are not children who have a big tantrum.

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Does he have panda?

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I can't PM you because this is anonymous but I would love tips. My son gets angered when I am not calm and I've been trying really hard to keep calm. Unfortunately, he views every slight eyebrow raise as criticism.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 12:40 pm

And those kinds of kids are hungry for compliments. Praise him often . Compliment, compliment, and compliment. It can take your kishkes out, I know. I used to have lots of conflicts and fights going on thats when I was lost and did not know how to approach him the right way, I used to catch his anger and it all turned out a churben . Untill I took the situation with him seriously I did lots of research how to deal. Bh things gotten sooo much better , my son is much calmer then he was , its how u respond to it which makes it better or worse . Wish u luck!

amother

Bronze

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 3:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

.... My son gets angered when I am not calm and I've been trying really hard to keep calm. Unfortunately, he views every slight eyebrow raise as criticism...

Wow. He is doing his tafkid PERFECTLY!. It seems to me that he is there to help you turn yourself into an absolute tzeddekes. That's awesome. Don't mess this up. Don't get confused that you are there solely to "improve" HIM, he is there to improve YOU.

IMHO let him watch the super bowl and give him the next day off school (but not Torah learning, he should agree to learn some while at home) to catch up on sleep. He'll remember your kindness and understanding much more than whatever they were going to do at school that day.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 3:51 pm

amother [ Bronze ] wrote:

I really like this!

Is it possible that your son struggles in school, and it takes so much energy for him to keep it together and focus, that when he comes home he just falls apart? Can you shove a snack in his hand the moment he comes in the door? He also needs a quiet place to get away from his siblings, so they can't pester him and set him off.

DD just started 25mg of Zoloft, and she's excited to see if it will help her anxiety. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 4:03 pm

He needs to show minimal cooperation. He is not in charge of your household, you are. He is not in charge of himself, you are. He cannot manipulate you this way and you should not bend to him.

I have a child this age who also runs only on positivity and any negativity is sure to bring more negativity BUT I would never stand for him attacking siblings or breaking things. That is beyond the boundaries of acceptable behavior. I repeat to him and to everyone that every child has a right to feel safe in my house. That no child is better than the other and we are all equal. That I do not allow any child of mine to get hurt by another. There is accountability here. If you purposely break something you get to clean it up, fix it, or pay for it.

If the child doesn't show authority to the parents, there needs to be third party intervention such as therapist or other person the child respects.

I would allow him to watch the super bowl but he would have to earn it in the days leading up to it, with good behavior, ie. even controlling his anger and listening immediately to parents without argument.
I would not allow him to miss school monday but I would allow him to go an hour or two late on the condition that he daven on time with a minyan in shul.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 6:16 pm

The psychologist suggested changing his school after a few visits. So we changed his school to a more relaxed one, and my son has outburst very infrequently now. He is generally much happier and able to handle day to day stress because he is not constantly stressed out and anxious. He will still see a psychologist for the foreseeable future.

mha3484

Wed, Jan 29 2020, 6:25 pm

In terms of hunger, can you pre plan and be very regimented about eating on a schedule? I find with my 9 year old whose behavior is 10000x better when he eats consistently that I have to send at least 3-4 snacks in addition to the hot lunch he gets. As he gets older his needs have changed majorly in the eating department.

Hanger is a real thing. Its not a joke. You have to plan for it and try to not get to the point that hes so hungry hes lashing out.