How do you know your parent loves you?

Rappel

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:11 am

While reading the "neglectful big families thread," I noticed that every family has different things that are important to them. Many people there said that they felt special and loved in their own families, but couldn't imagine how others could miss out on such "essential" things like birthdays or good suppers.

I want to start a thread which is light, and where everyone can share little ways their parent showed they cared. It could be that that parent always bought you little gifts, or made sure your lunch was packed, or matched your socks, or rubbed your feet when you were sick - literally anything.

Yalla!

Rappel

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:13 am

I'll start:

My mum loved to let us play freely in the apartment. We had water fights in the bathroom, made "mixtures" which would turn your stomach, and opened up every toy we owned daily, and never once do I remember her complaining about the clean up. She loved to let us explore.

thunderstorm

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:17 am

Rappel wrote:

Is that really what made you feel loved? I find that fascinating. My mother let us do things like that but I never felt loved a day in my life. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around something like this. I would think an emotional connection from parent to child would give them a sense of love.

Rappel

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:22 am

thunderstorm wrote:

Like I said - each family has different dynamics, and the things that make us feel loved are really individual to each parent and child. There was a lot of dysfunction in our home, but I knew that mum encouraged our curiosity because she loves us.

asmileaday

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:24 am

I come from a double digit family. I feel extremely loved and cherished by my father. You just see it in his eyes. Even today when I'm grown up his eyes light up when I walk into the room.
He works from home. When we were kids we could just stroll into his office. He would stop what he's doing and give us the attention. I never heard him get annoyed at us for interrupting his work. Honestly, now as a parent, I don't know how that's possible!
You hear him talking to other people about his kids with the greatest admiration.
He hugged and kissed us freely (still does lol).
B"h I'm extremely lucky. He has plenty of faults he's not an angel (in case anyone thinks they need to be perfect to be a good parent) but his love shines through.
My Mom on the other hand has a much harder time showing love, I am sure it's because of the way she was raised, no fault of her own. I'm sure she loves me and she doesn't do anything to show that she doesn't, I just don't FEEL it like I do with my father.

little neshamala

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:25 am

I know my mother loves me even though she has never said those words to me, ever, that I can remember. Even though in some ways she was abusive to me growing up (she was mainly reacting to the abuse she received from my father) I still view her as a multidimensional person, and I know that no one is all black or white-my mother, who never said I love you, who screamed and screamed and snapped and criticized and hit and said lots of awful nasty things and much worse....definitely loves me.

I know because she would literally give the shirt off her back for me.
She worries herself sick if she thinks im going through some sort of difficulty.
If she thought we needed money she would give me her last cent, even if that meant she had nothing.
If she thinks im not feeling well she cant rest until she hears im ok.
When she hears im in labor she goes to kevarim and davens her heart out for me until the baby is born.

So yeah, she never gave us gifts, or special attention. She never hugged or kissed or said I love you. She never did fun things with us. She was verbally abusive and physically too.

But I know she definitely loves me.

Last edited by little neshamala on Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:26 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Natural

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:29 am

I would echo asmilaeday when she said that she sees the love in her father's eyes.

I grew up in a double-digit family and never felt love, ever, from either of my parents.

But I had a very beloved grandfather whose eyes, whose face would light up each time he saw me and I knew that I was loved. He verbally said I love you, but it was more that he wanted to be in my company, that I was someone who made him happy when I was around... To know that you are loved for no other reason other than that you are you is some thing very special.

thunderstorm

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:30 am

Rappel wrote:

Ok. I “know” that my mother loves me in her way but I never “felt” that she loved me. I know that she cares about me now but I didn’t feel cared about as a child. It’s hard to accept love from her now because it feels fake to me when as a child is when I needed to know it and feel it. My mother did many wonderful things and had many things to be admired. But I can’t change the fact that I didnt know she loved me when I was a child.

asmileaday

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:42 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Well said!

amother

Plum

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:44 am

I don't.
I know they might be proud of me (which has led me to become a do-er type personality because doing means I'm worthy), but I don't know and probably never will know that they love me. I would guess that they do because which parent doesn't? But I wouldn't know it.

asmileaday

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:45 am

thunderstorm wrote:

I agree with you. It's not enough to know. You need to FEEL it. And that can't be faked. And yes, that should begin in childhood. I don't know if it's enough to make up for it as an adult.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:55 am

really the way I know is that my mother always has a smile in her voice when she hears my voice, I don't know how else to describe it. I think that's what other people are describing as well. You just feel it.

She also was also willing to listen to my very long megillahs as a child. She also made my lunch when I was definitely old enough to do it just because she wanted to help me out. I'm the baby Smile

But that's not what made me feel loved.

my home would probably have been considered dysfunctional by most but my mother's love was never something I doubted.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:08 am

nchr wrote:

Nothing in particular. It just is. But at a certain point, it shouldn't matter. Loving yourself should be enough.

Yes and no.
Not having a parent's love can be very detrimental in allowing a child to develop their own self love.
I mean, if a person's own parent doesn't love them, why on earth should they think they are lovable????
It takes a lot of work to get out of that rut and build a healthy self esteem and self love if a person wasn't gifted that head start from his or her parents.

amother

Beige

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:14 am

Also from a double digit family. Can't really describe it, but I always just KNEW IT. I just KNEW that nothing mattered more than us kids.
With mother, I saw the way she'd do anything for us kids, always had us in mind first, would say "I made this dinner for you because I know you like __ food" (even if she said it to half of the kids Wink

).
Remembered most of our preferences. Read bedtime stories.
I don't remember much physical affection, but that might just be me, because I didn't go for these things when I was a kid (still don't).
There must be a lot more that I can't remember, but I always had the feeling that she takes care of us first.
As an adult, its the continuous offers of help. The interest and concern in my children. The going out of her way to help.
With father, harder to define, as he wasn't so expressive, but I always just FELT that he has my back. He used to joke with us. As an adult, he shows interest in my kids and often hints how proud he is of me (hard for him to be direct, I guess, due to his own upbringing and/or nature). He often compliments me about DH. He doesn't have a lot of money, but extends himself to give us financial gifts, even when he himself has so little.

My wish is for my kids to get the same feeling about me.

I wish I wouldn't be so self conscious about this, and be able to share what I wrote with my parents.

PS. I have plenty of things I wish were different, and I am upset about how they did/do things, but the older I get, the more I appreciate how much they did for us kids and the more I realize that I can't really hold anything against them.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:31 am

Rappel wrote:

I freak out about messes and only let my kids paint or make slime outside on the patio. I hope they don't feel unloved because of this. Crying

amother

Orchid

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:35 am

My father's voice always goes soft when he calls my name. I can feel the emotion of love emanating from him.

My mother loves to spoil me rotten by buying me stuff. She'll bend over backward to help me if I have a problem. But I've never felt her love. I don't know why.

amother

Violet

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:36 am

I was third of 9 kids. Loved taking care of babies.

1. I was a hard kid but my mother never hit me or verbally abused (you're crazy, bad, etc)

2. I didn't do well in school but my mother never pressured me. Always told me I was smart and could be whatever I wanted. (I was very smart, read every book, encyclopedias, etc - but tuned out in class cuz bored, and poor executive functioning - didn't do HW or study for tests).

3. If I was upset my mother would listen to me.

4. Mother helped me study for tests when I asked for help.

5. If I wanted something very badly my mother would try to buy it for me. But I was aware $$$ was tight so I tried not to ask for extras. I babysat and used my own $.

6. Mother played board games with us. She loved them too.