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Most awkward things people said to you
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amother




Blush
 

Post  Mon, Feb 03 2020, 10:14 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
a person who never met my mother who only saw pictures of my mother said I looked like her
I said thank you ( my mother recently passed away )


Why is that awkward? What’s wrong with commenting about a picture if the person is not alive?
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Mon, Feb 03 2020, 10:17 pm
Some of these are foot-in-the-mouth comments, others are downright cruel. I'm sorry for all of those on the receiving end, and daven I never end up on the giving end of these!
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dessara




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 04 2020, 2:54 am
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
I was going through an emotionally difficult time after I gave birth to my baby.
The pain and trauma of the passing of my previous baby had resurfaced.
I felt very isolated in my pain and had no one to share it with.

When I met a close relative during this difficult period, I opened up to her about my pain, thinking she may be able to empathize since her daughter had also suffered the loss of a baby.

She responded by telling me that her daughter had it worse than me, and explained how she had it worse.
I guess she thinks she’s G-d and she knows exactly what I went through.
Instead of feeling better, I went home in tears.


I am so so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to point out that I think your relative was trying to comfort you by pointing out what made your situation “better” than her daughter’s. It is very hard to know the right thing to say to comfort someone in pain. I think in these situations people feel so sympathetic to the person in pain and desperately want to offer some words that can help but always end up saying the wrong thing and making it worse. Maybe if the receivers of hurtful comments realize that the speaker means well it will take away some of the sting? If not, then I apologize for pointing this out.
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dessara




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 04 2020, 2:58 am
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
I took my baby to the doctor after he had 3 stomach viruses in 3 weeks. I mentioned to the doctor that my kids keep getting sick with different things that are going around (not in a complaining way, very matter of fact).

He said, "so don't have more kids!"

I am noticeably pregnant (though I'm not sure if he realized that), so I was very offended.


I think he meant that kids getting sick often is the usual thing for someone who has young children. So when you mentioned that your kids keep getting sick, he said “so don’t have more kids”, I.e., if you have kids that’s what happens, don’t fret.
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pringles




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 04 2020, 6:02 am
My MIL has a rebbetzen who apparently takes away ayin hora and can see why it came in the first place.
I was going through a something which was super painful, it turned my life upside down for over a year. MIL decided shes going to call for me (I dont speak her language so couldnt call) and at the same time my FIL also asked to be "treated"

She came back telling me "rebbetzen said you dont have any ayin hora, nothing at all but my husband had a huge one, dont ask, people really like him and are probably jealous of him. but you, na she said you dont have...." and she went on and on and on.

What I was hearing was that no one wants to be like you, only like My FIL.
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amother




Plum
 

Post  Tue, Feb 04 2020, 8:36 am
dessara wrote:
I am so so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to point out that I think your relative was trying to comfort you by pointing out what made your situation “better” than her daughter’s. It is very hard to know the right thing to say to comfort someone in pain. I think in these situations people feel so sympathetic to the person in pain and desperately want to offer some words that can help but always end up saying the wrong thing and making it worse. Maybe if the receivers of hurtful comments realize that the speaker means well it will take away some of the sting? If not, then I apologize for pointing this out.


Would you comfort someone who is in intense physical pain by pointing out that “Mrs B” has it worse than you?
No,
When someone is in pain, you empathize and validate their pain.
Zehu
There is no way to “compare and contrast” people’s tragedies.
Even if there were, it is pointless and invalidating.

The only correct response to someone expressing their pain is Silence.
How appropriate that “listen” and “silent” share the same letters.
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amother




Ruby
 

Post  Tue, Feb 04 2020, 10:08 am
Someone texted me that another friend had a baby. When I saw her in shul a few months later, I asked her how her baby is doing.. she said “I don’t have…”
Ouch
Either I was imagining that text or she meant to say about someone else…
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amother




Gold
 

Post  Tue, Feb 04 2020, 12:15 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
What’s wrong with that? If your children are of marriageable age, don’t you want to hear good news soon?

ווינטשן גוט נייַעס after talking about a sad topic is tradition in some subsets of frum society.
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dessara




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 3:48 am
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
Would you comfort someone who is in intense physical pain by pointing out that “Mrs B” has it worse than you?
No,
When someone is in pain, you empathize and validate their pain.
Zehu
There is no way to “compare and contrast” people’s tragedies.
Even if there were, it is pointless and invalidating.

The only correct response to someone expressing their pain is Silence.
How appropriate that “listen” and “silent” share the same letters.


Of course you are right. I am only pointing out that listening to someone expressing their pain and saying nothing is very hard to do. That’s why many people end up saying the wrong thing. But in the majority of cases, they meant well.
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 7:20 am
I don't mean this rudely...but I notice this a lot on imamother. Posters will write something that is potentially judgmental or lecturing and then end off with, I apologize if this hurts anyone.
First of all, that's a conditional apology not a real one that basically says I'm saying nothing wrong it's not my fault if you are or choose to be hurt.
Second if you think it may be hurtful it probably is so don't say it.
I don't mean to point anyone out specifically but as I said I see it a lot, and as another poster said, when someone is writing or discussing a tragedy that is so hugely painful like the loss of a child, the only response EVER is just to be quiet and let them express their pain.
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:12 am
amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:
I don't think it's rude or awkward when you're in your 8th month and someone asks you when you're due.
Sometimes we think we carry small or don't show but we really do.



It is never ok to ask someone when they're due. First, if they want to share it they will. Many don't want the comments if they're overdue, like "still around?"

Second, what if she gained weight for a different reason and is really not pregnant?

I was very sick shortly after my wedding. The course of treatment made me very bloated (which never went back down, even with diet and exercise). I received many beshaa Tova comments for the next few years. I didn't share with others that I was sick except for my parents, siblings, IL and one aunt who really helped me.

Third reason, what if someone unfortunately had a miss and didn't want to announce it. The stomach doesn't instantly shrink back to its prepregnancy size.
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amother




cornflower
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:38 am
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
I was telling a friend how much my mother would have like to have seen her granchildren get married she would always ask how their dating was going and if they had nice enough clothes
she recently died my friend said you will hear good news soon { children getting married )

What's wrong with what your friend said? She was wishing you good news and that your kids should get married soon . Nothing wrong with what she said .
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amother




cornflower
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:39 am
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
a person who never met my mother who only saw pictures of my mother said I looked like her
I said thank you ( my mother recently passed away )

What's the problem ? They said you look like your mother.
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Madam F.




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:48 am
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
I don't mean this rudely...but I notice this a lot on imamother. Posters will write something that is potentially judgmental or lecturing and then end off with, I apologize if this hurts anyone.
First of all, that's a conditional apology not a real one that basically says I'm saying nothing wrong it's not my fault if you are or choose to be hurt.
Second if you think it may be hurtful it probably is so don't say it.
I don't mean to point anyone out specifically but as I said I see it a lot, and as another poster said, when someone is writing or discussing a tragedy that is so hugely painful like the loss of a child, the only response EVER is just to be quiet and let them express their pain.


You just did the same thing.
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 5:38 pm
Yes I realized this but I thought it was important enough to make an exception. Because the pain of a mother who lost a child needs to be validated. And not made to feel like she needs to feel even the tiniest bit guilty for being hurt. I hope my post was in some tiny infitismal way a bit of comfort to her. Or at least validation.
Wouldn't you agree that takes precedence?
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Wed, Feb 05 2020, 6:52 pm
A new coworker asked me if I was pregnant. When I said I was, she said, “I knew it because you eat sooo much.”
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dessara




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Feb 06 2020, 3:16 am
amother [ Wine ] wrote:
I don't mean this rudely...but I notice this a lot on imamother. Posters will write something that is potentially judgmental or lecturing and then end off with, I apologize if this hurts anyone.
First of all, that's a conditional apology not a real one that basically says I'm saying nothing wrong it's not my fault if you are or choose to be hurt.
Second if you think it may be hurtful it probably is so don't say it.
I don't mean to point anyone out specifically but as I said I see it a lot, and as another poster said, when someone is writing or discussing a tragedy that is so hugely painful like the loss of a child, the only response EVER is just to be quiet and let them express their pain.


I assume you mean my post? I don’t think it was judgemental or lecturing at all. I was responding to imamother who lost a child and then was badly hurt by someone’s insensitive comment. In no way did I lecture her or judge her pain. Please reread my post. I just thought that maybe if she saw why a person might make such an insensitive comment (although of course the speaker was absolutely wrong for saying it and there is no denying that it is a terrible thing to say) it might make her feel better about the insensitivity she experienced. I think I was very clear that I was not trying to defend the comments made to her. Again, they should absolutely have not been said. I just thought that my observation might make her feel less hurt about that specific conversation. But I wasn’t sure if that was true which is why I ended with an apology if instead of making her feel better, which was my intention, I somehow made it worse.
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amother




Blonde
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 8:52 pm
New person I met
Asked me what do I do all day
Then was telling me a story about a heavy woman who could not get pregnant and said no offense to you
(I’m heavy)
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 9:07 pm
dessara wrote:
I assume you mean my post? I don’t think it was judgemental or lecturing at all. I was responding to imamother who lost a child and then was badly hurt by someone’s insensitive comment. In no way did I lecture her or judge her pain. Please reread my post. I just thought that maybe if she saw why a person might make such an insensitive comment (although of course the speaker was absolutely wrong for saying it and there is no denying that it is a terrible thing to say) it might make her feel better about the insensitivity she experienced. I think I was very clear that I was not trying to defend the comments made to her. Again, they should absolutely have not been said. I just thought that my observation might make her feel less hurt about that specific conversation. But I wasn’t sure if that was true which is why I ended with an apology if instead of making her feel better, which was my intention, I somehow made it worse.

What I was trying to explain is that someone vulnerable who experienced being deeply hurt by an insensitive comment just wants to be validated. They don't want someone to try and validate where the *other* person was coming from, it makes their pain feel doubly overlooked.
And apologizing after *if* you hurt them doesn't do anything for their hurt feelings, instead it makes you feel ok about what you said. And if you are thinking it might be hurtful then it probably is. So better not to say it in the first place then you don't need to add in a conditional apology.
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amother




Babyblue
 

Post  Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:02 pm
There was a point when I was single and didn't have a job.
I met someone who asked me what I was doing.
I said I was not working at the moment.
So what are you doing?
Well, I'm looking for a job?
So what do you do all day? Looking for a job doesn't take all day!
Umm....
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