Did you miss a sibling's wedding?

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 1:42 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

I can't imagine missing a sibling's wedding unless I was seriously ill or on bedrest. DH and I come from small families though, so due dates or other important date conflicts are always taken into consideration when planning a wedding. We also used to all live within a few hours driving distance of each other so we didn't have to deal with airplane travel. Now one sibling and family have made aliyah but there's no way they would miss the wedding of the last single sibling because that would be a really big simcha for reasons I won't go into here.

Just curious if those of you who have missed siblings weddings and other simchas come from much larger families where it's much more difficult to take everyone's schedules into account when planning?

No we are a relatively small family. But she couldn't take my due date into consideration because I was 8 weeks when she got engaged, and I was not willing to tell anyone till after the first trimester, just in case it didn't make it (it was a rainbow baby). That would've been a disaster, to tell people that it didn't make it. And even if I'd said something, they would've expected me to travel pregnant anyways, "it's no big deal, people do it all the time" and said no way would they wait till after my due date. (I was fine with that, I don't expect anyone to wait for me.) I got a lot of flack but no way was it worth it to endanger my baby.

amother

Wine

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 1:47 pm

2 of my sils were due one month apart 4-5 months after my engagement date. Waiting for both due dates to pass would've meant waiting another few months because of sefirah and running the risk of yet someone else getting pregnant and not making it. (Possibly my Mom, she was still childbearing age and had 2 kids after my wedding!)
So 1 sil ended up missing my wedding. Sometimes you just can't take everyone into account.

banana123

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 1:49 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Well you could've always pushed it up, and gotten married 2-3 months after your engagement.... Twisted Evil

banana123

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 2:15 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Zero halls were available, and in my circles engagements are never that short (chassidish).

I had a 4 month engagement and it was considered to be a very short one.

I was joking. We're Chabad, for us 4 months is relatively long. Smile

I trust that if you didn't push it up, you had good reason for it. Other than the fact that weddings don't usually arrange themselves at a snap of your fingers.

Pooh

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 2:23 pm

I missed my sisters and brothers wedding. It sucked, I cried, but they Skyped (I made sure the photographer gets a picture of me on the relatives phone interacting so we all feel and remember I WAS there!) and It helped to put things in perspective; it was over in a few hours and I got to be a part of it from the comfort of my home without endangering myself (the reasons why I couldn’t go)

amother

Lilac

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 2:40 pm

I missed my brother's wedding. It was very very far away and I had a tiny baby a few weeks old.
I also didn't want to go alone and we couldn't afford two tickets. No skype then, it was way before smartphones.

In general I am not that into skyping simchos I miss...if I could get together with other family members who were also missing it that would be nice but it hasn't ever been the case.

We once went to a very nice celebration in a nursing home. One of the resident's grandchildren was getting married in Israel and the staff threw a big party for him with lots of his friends and the wedding was livestreamed on a big screen.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 10:39 pm

everyone is talking about missing because of babies. does no one have a different reason? dysfunctional families?

my sister missed my wedding because we were in a big fight at the time and not on speaking terms for 2 years. I sent her an invitation and told her she was welcome to come in a text but she said she wasnt interested. and frankly Im glad she wasnt there because it would have made things too dramatic, I was much calmer without her there.

I have a friend that missed her younger sisters wedding because she was still single at the time and it was too painful for her to go.

amother

Copper

Tue, Feb 04 2020, 11:06 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

I missed three of my siblings’ weddings. One of them I was in the hospital. I had a beautiful gown, hair, makeup... I ended up in the hospital for a very embarrassing medical condition (there was no way that I could have been at that wedding in my state). This was when I was still single and before the days of iPhones. No one even called me or visited me in the hospital that day.

The other two weddings that I missed were related to family dynamics, and for that same reason none of my siblings or relatives came to my wedding. For one of the weddings I had actually taken a few days off from work in the hope that I would be invited. When I finally came to terms with the fact that we wouldn’t be at the wedding, my husband and I went away for a few days. Nevertheless, I spent the night of the wedding crying.

When the third siblings wedding came around, I was more prepared that I would not be invited. I actually was shocked that it was so painful.

I will say that at this point I have come to terms with the fact that I probably won’t be invited to any of my siblings weddings. As painful as that is, sometimes my biggest problem with that is that I love wearing wedding attire.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 12:58 am

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

I missed my sil's wedding (husband's sister). Had a baby the morning of the wedding. My due date was not taken into account, it still hurts when I think about it.

I have a feeling there's a lot more hurt than just the wedding. But if there isn't, please don't take this personally.
I don't mean this unkindly, but I really don't think your due date should be taken into account unless you're an only sibling, or the mom of the bride or groom.
Chuppas niddah, for example, takes precedence.
Getting a hall aint that easy.
If the couple is moving someplace
Grandparents being away for winter months (yes, I think they deserve more consideration and respect than SIL, even if they sit on chair throughout and go home early).
Parents or couples business busy/slow season
Sefirah/erev pesach/ yomim tovim/3 weeks
Another sibling getting married.
Extended family simchas (you don't want 2 first cousins getting married the same night).
I could go on, but the point is, just realize its not personal. There's only so much jumping through hoops people can do.
A wedding is only one night of good food and dancing. Enjoy the relationship for the rest of your life.
PS. I know a mom who missed her daughter's Shabbos sheva brachos, when she had a 2 day old baby (3 days after wedding). Even HER due date wasn't considered, because it was very tight timing.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 8:39 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

PS. I know a mom who missed her daughter's Shabbos sheva brachos, when she had a 2 day old baby (3 days after wedding). Even HER due date wasn't considered, because it was very tight timing.

So they were taking the very very high chance that the mom wouldn't make it to the wedding at all. What if she delivered a few hours before the chuppah itself.
To me that seems like something that should make your list. :/

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:10 am

I was born three days before my aunt's (father's sister) wedding. I was a c section, so my mom was still in the hospital. My dad basically went for pictures and chuppah and a bit of dancing, then went right back to the hospital. They're not a particularly large family, so they could have taken my mother into account, but they didn't. My mom didn't mind until years later when my aunt started being a massive hypocrite about it. Her first baby was very premature (I think 28 or 29 weeks) and ever since then, she makes a stink about any Simcha being planned if anyone in the family is in their third trimester. And it's like, hmmmm, then where was your consideration for your SIL who was due literally the week of your wedding 🤔

banana123

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:18 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

When she was a kallah she didn't think of these things, and once she'd given birth to a preemie she understood the full implications of such a decision? She was probably also traumatized by the birth. It's never easy to have a preemie, and certainly if it's your first, that's going to be traumatic.
She grew up. B"H now she realizes how hurtful it is.

amother

Lime

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 10:26 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

None of the above were the case. I was the only married sibling from both sides. I have an amazing relationship with my in-laws so no, nothing more than that. It was a petty issue, and my in-laws still regret it to this day.