Dd not defending herself when necessary

blessedflower

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 11:40 am

My dd is almost 6yo, she is an only child at the moment and is not used to fighting back or defending herself with other kids. She becomes an easy target for other kids because of that. For example:
She has a cousin the same age as her that has adhd. When she gets frustrated she starts hitting and throwing things. Whenever my dd is around she becomes the kapura. She kicks her, punches her in stomach, pulls her hair. My dd rarely hits back, an tends to run away from her. I realized she doesn't hit her sisters and brothers because they hurt her back right away. Even the toddler hurts her back. Now I'm happy my child is a good kid with good middos but I feel that here she will benefit from defending herself. I can't tell my child to hurt her back though!?

I see similar things with her friends (obviously not as extreme). She doesn't do much when friends hurt her or take away her things.
What can I do about this?

Eta: I did tell my dd that when someone hurts her she can push them away. And I explained to her that her cousin hurts her because she is not afraid of being hurt back. It didn't help much

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 05 2020, 2:52 pm

I had a brother like this, who is more soft, not a fighter. When he was young, my mother A"H used to send me to meet him at the corner when he came home from school. There were a couple of bullies who would beat him up on the way home, but they were scared of his little sister....so I used to be his bodyguard.

My mother tried to teach him to "toughen up" but with some kids it just doesn't jive with their personality. He's just a gentle type.

Once my mother vented to a close friend of hers who was also a very Chashuve personality in the Litvish/yeshivish world (today her husband and son are well-known Rabbanim) and this friend told my mother that R' Yaakov Kaminetsky knew how to stand up to people, but R' Aharon Kotler had a harder time. Sometimes, when he had to meet with people who were more tough to deal with, he would invite R' Yaakov to the meeting to defend him and help him out.

So my mother's friend told my mother - nu, your son will be like R' Aharon.

OP, I don't agree that it's necessary to teach a child bad middos in such a case. I happen to have one child who is more easy-going and sweet, and there are areas where I talk to her about boundary setting and sticking up for herself, but not where it involved punching or hitting other people (more like, you don't have to give up your spot just because someone else wants it.) When she was little, I felt it was my job to watch out for her (I too have a nephew with ADD/ADHD who would sometimes treat her roughly.) It might be more enjoyable for me to chill and socialize with the grown-ups, but that wasn't always possible for me at family get-togethers.

Also, she definitely has learned to stick up for herself more now that she's a big girl....but has retained her caring and good middos at the same time B"H.