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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:20 am
Just curious if your husband started working shortly after you got married if it was because you needed the money or because your husband was not cut out for learning.
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:23 am
More like the concept of sitting and learning instead of working and supporting his family is completely foreign to both of us.

Believe it or not, a husband who spends his life in kollel is not the ideal for every frum yid.
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fleetwood




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:30 am
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
More like the concept of sitting and learning instead of working and supporting his family is completely foreign to both of us.

Believe it or not, a husband who spends his life in kolkel is not the ideal for every frum yid.

Exactly! My husband is very much cut out for sitting and learning,but people ya know need money to live....
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:31 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Just curious if your husband started working shortly after you got married if it was because you needed the money or because your husband was not cut out for learning.


DH would love to learn all day. But that is not the responsible thing for a husband and father to do. Unless he's being supported which he's not.
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amother




Mauve
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:35 am
My husband learned for a few years because it was expected, but he didn't really enjoy it so he went out to work. He learns daf yomi now and has a much fuller schedule than he used to. He's thriving this way, BH.
We also needed the money to live, but could have probably pushed through another year or two if he would have been enthusiastic about learning all day.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:36 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Just curious if your husband started working shortly after you got married if it was because you needed the money or because your husband was not cut out for learning.

I'm not sure where you're coming from.
I'm old enough to remember when there was no problem, no angst over going to work. Transitions to be made? Challenges? Sure. But guilt? No.
I think learning kollel, long or short term is amazing. I think another great option is the learner-earner. I know professionals who started off working learning one or two sedarim, and working the other sedar/im. I know working people who are really learning 5-9. I suggest getting Rabbi Lopiansky's sefer Ben Torah for Life and also digging up the online Klal Perspectives that inspired it. The KP (and maybe the sefer too, I haven't read that) is addressed to a broad range of people, not just yeshivish, but anyone who aspires to live life l'shem Shamayim.
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:37 am
Honestly, I was so happy when he started working. He was so not cut out for it, but that’s what his father did, and all his brothers and brothers in law was doing. We were being supported by his grandfather (which I hated! I wanted to be self sufficient. I didn’t grow up with this kind of mentality, but that’s a diff topic)

He would wake up late every day. Usually did not go to afternoon Seder. Still not sure why....
He did not feel accomplished at the end of the day and that affected his whole mood. I feel like those years was the “darker” part of our marriage and relationship.

Once he started working he became a different person. He’s really good at what he does so his self esteem is a lot better. He feels accomplished and works hard. And our relationship improved. So we’re happy Smile
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amother




Crimson
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 11:59 am
My husband was not cut out for learning! At this point I would also want my daughter marrying someone who will go to work and she is ok with it!
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amother




Plum
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:01 pm
DH went to university and BH got a good secular education. He had a solid yeshiva background from growing up and has the mind and skills for it. He does evening kollel.
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fleetwood




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:03 pm
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
My husband was not cut out for learning! At this point I would also want my daughter marrying someone who will go to work and she is ok with it!

My daughters better be ok with it.. because there's no way I'm supporting a son in law who sits and learns all day.
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meme6




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:10 pm
fleetwood wrote:
My daughters better be ok with it.. because there's no way I'm supporting a son in law who sits and learns all day.


Oh I agree but I don’t want my daughter to feel I’m jipping her. But there’s no way I w I do support if she wants a kollel guy!
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amother




Ginger
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:10 pm
fleetwood wrote:
My daughters better be ok with it.. because there's no way I'm supporting a son in law who sits and learns all day.

Some of us kollel couples support ourselves.
Just saying.
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fleetwood




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:18 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
Some of us kollel wives support themselves.
Just saying.

Good. Glad that works for you.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:20 pm
fleetwood wrote:
Good. Glad that works for you.

If your DD wants it hope it works for her and YOU.
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fleetwood




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:22 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
If your DD wants it hope it works for her and YOU.

My daughter does not want this. She will only marry someone with a job.
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amother




Blush
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:26 pm
Well I’m from a community and family where most men learn, especially the first few years.

We were bh wellbsupported so monsey wasn’t an issue.

My husband has a great head and Bh loves to learn.

So why did he go out to work? He had a very big pressure of supporting us in the future. He felt like he can’t push it off a few years and then start out in business. He carries the responsibility of supporting us and takes it very seriously. He also knew that it would be very hard for him to live very frugally and wants to set himself up in a big way. And he didn’t have a formal education where he can just go and be a doctor when he doesn’t want to be in kollel.

So he felt that he should go out and start the process of gaining work ethics and experience.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:29 pm
My husband learned in kollel in the beginning but he also tutored bochurim and worked from home in the evenings. When it was no longer financially sustainable, he switched to a full time job.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:31 pm
What does this mean? Not cut out for learning?

What if he is? But doesn't want the financial burden of a family to rest on anyone else but his own? Not his parents not his in laws not his wife if he can help that?

What if he works like a dog and is koveia itim? Does that mean he wasn't cut our for learning because he works?
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amother




Chocolate
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Just curious if your husband started working shortly after you got married if it was because you needed the money or because your husband was not cut out for learning.

You know not everyone believes the Kollel model is ideal. My husband is smart and a good learner but not Gadol Hador material. We believe that a person with that potential should be sitting and learning, but others have the responsibility to earn a Parnasa and work, with their strengths, to better/ advance the world. When I met my husband, he was not in Kollel, never was, and I am not looking for that in a SIL. My DH was working for the DA office, prosecuting child offenders (those who have harmed children, not juvenile delinquents). That impressed me. Had be been learning, my questions would have been -and to do what with it? Become a posek-great, become a Shul rav, a Rebbi for 3 grade boys- awesome, but end goal. What are you going to accomplish? Why did Hashem put YOU on this earth.
Not that I don't think learning Torah is important. It is very important it is like lehavdil, coffee for the soul. You can't, shouldn't get the day without it, but it is more for you and you need to do something for the world (unless as above, you are able to contribute in Torah).
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:47 pm
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
Become a posek-great, become a Shul rav, a Rebbi for 3 grade boys- awesome, but end goal. What are you going to accomplish? Why did Hashem put YOU on this earth.
Not that I don't think learning Torah is important. It is very important it is like lehavdil, coffee for the soul. You can't, shouldn't get the day without it, but it is more for you and you need to do something for the world (unless as above, you are able to contribute in Torah).

I know some incredible elementary school Rebbeim who impact their students’ lives. Would you knock regular teachers, accountants, and businessmen as well? A person works to support their family, not everyone can work in a job that changes the world.
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