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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:03 am
I have the following scenario happen quite frequently.

Friend/cousing/sil calls me. I pick up and they say
"Hi how are you, Just wondering are you busy?" or
"What are you doing now" or
"Have you got anything special planned for today?"

So I'm quite an honest person and usually say the truths, sometimes I say oh doing nothing much. So they jump on it and will push me into a corner to get what they want e.g invite me out with kids, errands, ask me for a favour which will keep me busy or even invite themselves over.

It really annoys me! I end up feeling so stuck, like have have to agree to their suggestions. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood of getting together!

Does anyone relate to this situation? how do you deal with such people?

And last of all, to all the assertive people out there, please give me tips on you manage to get your way
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dorothy1




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:08 am
If you aren’t busy but aren’t in the mood to meet up, you can say “I’m looking Forward to taking it easy today!” , “ taking the day to relax with my kids “ etc .
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amother




Navy
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:12 am
I usually ignore the call but follow up quickly with a text: Got my hands full at the moment. What’s up?
By moving the conversation to text I have time to process what they’re calling for and don’t get stuck or cornered.
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tryinghard




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:13 am
I don't hear the rudeness. You definitely need to learn to be assertive. There are a lot of books and Youtube videos about how to be assertive, but the most important thing is to practice. Practice with your husband -role play a common situation. Practice in the mirror.

Once you feel comfortable saying, "I don't feel like going - but thanks so much for thinking of me!", I suspect you will find it much less annoying.
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ellacoe




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:45 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have the following scenario happen quite frequently.

Friend/cousing/sil calls me. I pick up and they say
"Hi how are you, Just wondering are you busy?" or
"What are you doing now" or
"Have you got anything special planned for today?"



Can you turn the question around?
When asked, "What are you doing now?" can you come back with Why do you ask?. If asked properly it doesn't sound rude and it gives you a heads up about what they want. And in time they will start the conversation differently.
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groovy1224




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:57 am
When they ask what you're up to, just say 'oh, the usual. Why, what's up?'
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Turquoise3




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:58 am
Is it the rudeness that bothers you or your inability to say no to the enjoy up question? It's quite easy to deflect in b conversation without having to resort to texting. Are you possibly ppl pleaser type?
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amother




Bronze
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:59 am
I HATE when people do this!
It feels like they are trying to trap me into doing something.
Like, "can you do me a favor?"
Just Ask the favor and then I'll decide!
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Turquoise3




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:00 am
To the *follow up question
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asmileaday




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:02 am
When someone opens a phone conversation with are you busy? My automatic answer is "always busy, how can I help you? "(even if I'm lazying on the couch). And then I can decide if I want to participate in whatever they're asking for.

But yes, I appreciate texting much more. Gives me time to think of a response. Phone calls make me feel like I'm put on the spot.
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asmileaday




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:03 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
I HATE when people do this!
It feels like they are trying to trap me into doing something.
Like, "can you do me a favor?"
Just Ask the favor and then I'll decide!


I usually answer to "can you do me favor" with sure tell me what it is and I'll tell you if I can.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:48 am
Thank you for all the good ideas! I shall write them down and practice...

I think I am a people pleaser. I always put up a nice fun face, ill chat merely even if I'm in the worse mood ever and just feel like throwing the biggest tantrum. If I meet an acquaintance on the street and I'm in a rush, ill just continue chatting, I feel so bad to let them down and run off.

Ye I need to stop, dunno how cos now everyone associates me as the always joyful type, they'll think something is up.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:55 am
OP, you sound like an introvert, and you need lots of quiet time to recharge your batteries. There is nothing wrong with that, so don't feel guilty if you don't feel up to doing things.

On the other hand, there are a lot of lonely people out there who would love to have so many people care about them and want to be with them.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:08 am
Can't relate. I don't have friends cuz of social awkwardness and have no sisters. I wish people would ask me out or invite themselves over. But I am a people pleaser so I can relate to the part of agreeing to favors that are hard for me to do.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 12:07 pm
dorothy1 wrote:
If you aren’t busy but aren’t in the mood to meet up, you can say “I’m looking Forward to taking it easy today!” , “ taking the day to relax with my kids “ etc .


No. Taking it easy is an invitation for them to Impose their will on her,
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amother




Silver
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 12:31 pm
why can't you just say "I'm really not up to going out today, how about wednesday?" "today doesnt' realy work for me".. " I want to get my laundry done".. or whatever. Unless you're trying to push them away in general.
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 1:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So I'm quite an honest person and usually say the truths, sometimes I say oh doing nothing much. So they jump on it and will push me into a corner to get what they want e.g invite me out with kids, errands, ask me for a favour which will keep me busy or even invite themselves over.

It's actually quite common for people on the spectrum to be "honest" and not know their way around the little untruths and nuances of social interactions. You're not supposed to be honest about not having plans unless you are open to making some; you're supposed to say you're busy if you don't want to put more things on your schedule.
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 1:32 pm
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
It's actually quite common for people on the spectrum[/b][/b] to be "honest" and not know their way around the little untruths and nuances of social interactions. You're not supposed to be honest about not having plans unless you are open to making some; you're supposed to say you're busy if you don't want to put more things on your schedule.

Thats quite rude to say that when you have no idea who she is.
And OP, Its a good things youre honest rather than the other way around! I dont see anything wrong with what you answered I say that too (Im also honest!) but when they ask if I can go out etc I say Actually I'm not sure if thats going to work for me I wanted to take care of some errands/clean up the house/do laundry etc...
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 1:33 pm
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
It's actually quite common for people on the spectrum to be "honest" and not know their way around the little untruths and nuances of social interactions. You're not supposed to be honest about not having plans unless you are open to making some; you're supposed to say you're busy if you don't want to put more things on your schedule.


Thats quite a rude thing to say that when you have no idea who she is.
And OP, Its a good things youre honest rather than the other way around! I dont see anything wrong with what you answered I say that too (Im also honest!) but when they ask if I can go out etc I say Actually I'm not sure if thats going to work for me I wanted to take care of some errands/clean up the house/do laundry etc...
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 1:40 pm
amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:
Thats quite a rude thing to say that when you have no idea who she is.

Why is it rude? Are you implying that there is something wrong with being on the spectrum? Being on the spectrum is perfectly okay, unlike the person who hugged this comment, who is a jerk.
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