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How rude? Or am I extra sensitive?
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 1:49 pm
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
Why is it rude? Are you implying that there is something wrong with being on the spectrum?


I didn't say theres anything WRONG but its highly insulting to hear ESP if shes not. Would you like it if I said YOU were on the spectrum?
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nechamashifra




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 1:57 pm
- Are you busy this afternoon?

- That entirely depends on the rest of the information you're about to give me."
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 2:03 pm
amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:
I didn't say theres anything WRONG but its highly insulting to hear ESP if shes not. Would you like it if I said YOU were on the spectrum?

I didn't say she's on the spectrum. To answer your question, I would be glad to hear it from anyone else, but knowing that you consider it an insult, I would not like to hear it from you. It is extremely rude for you to imply that it is in any way insulting.

If you think it's insulting to imply that someone isn't neurotypical, it means you think there is something wrong with it.
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Kiwi13




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 2:09 pm
I answer that kind of thing like this:

Caller: “what are you up to/are you busy/etc...?”

Me: “hi! what’s up?”

Basically, I try not to back myself into a corner with people I know don’t take “no” very well.

If it’s someone I’m more comfortable with, I sometimes say I’m not that busy but I’m also not up to doing xyz task right now.

If it’s my brother (we have a unique bantering/humorous relationship), I’ll just straight up say “nope, I don’t feel like it,” or “sounds super boring, so no thanks,” and he’ll respond with some equally snarky reply and we’ll laugh and hang up. I wouldn’t recommend that with the average friend or family member though! 😜
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 2:11 pm
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
I didn't say she's on the spectrum. To answer your question, I would be glad to hear it from anyone else, but knowing that you consider it an insult, I would not like to hear it from you. It is extremely rude for you to imply that it is in any way insulting.

If you think it's insulting to imply that someone isn't neurotypical, it means you think there is something wrong with it.


Um in what way can it be taken in a good way??
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 2:12 pm
amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:
Um in what way can it be taken in a good way??

It's completely neutral. You are considering it rude based on your own ableism, which is doubly offensive.
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 3:20 pm
I agree with amother-burlywood about the social nuances of "nothing much."

For a lot of people:
"Are you busy / do you have plans" = "I'd like to make plans with you, but I don't want to be rude and assume you're free, so - are you free?"

"No, nothing special" = "I'm open to making plans."

(I don't think the above has to do with ASD davka; it's also just a cultural thing)

IOW "are you busy" isn't meant as a trick question, where if you say "no" you have to do whatever they say. It's meant to be a polite way of giving you an out if you don't want to make plans.

I think the easiest way might be to change your answer from "no, not busy" or "nothing much" to something that's still honest, but also leaves you an out if you don't want to socialize. "Just catching up on things around the house," for example. (technically honest even if "things" = "that book I've been wanting to read")

But even if you say "nothing much," that doesn't mean that you have to do anything they suggest! You can always say "thanks so much for thinking of me, but I'm not up for it today" or "that doesn't work for me today, but maybe next week" - etc.
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 3:28 pm
IMHO the secret to being assertive is twofold:

- Always assume people are acting rationally. Meaning, in this case, assume that an invitation is just an invitation, not a command, and that you're completely free to politely decline. In fact, unless they explicitly say otherwise, assume your friends want you to decline if you're not interested.

- If people aren't acting rationally, react as if they are.

Them: "OP, I just don't understand why you don't want to have me over today! I thought we were friends!" (note: hopefully none of your friends would ever react this way, this is just an extreme example)

You: "Like I said, it's just not a good time for me. Thanks for understanding."
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dorothy1




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 3:33 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
No. Taking it easy is an invitation for them to Impose their will on her,


Really? I feel like it would be so off if someone said “oh I’m relaxing today” (vs “no I’m not busy”) to respond “oh instead of relaxing can you do a favor me ?” Etc. But maybe if you’re dealing with very pushy people
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Miri1




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 3:48 pm
I personally wouldn't ask someone if they are busy before asking them for their time. I think it's intrusive - they don't owe me a breakdown of how they're using their time, and if they're not busy it doesn't mean they owe it to me any more than if they are busy.
If I want a favor, I would just state the request, adding on - "I understand if you're busy, no pressure at all".

But there are all types out there, you just have to learn the pattern (as it sounds that you have), and prepare yourself with the response that will preserve your sanity Smile
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amother




Oak
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 5:12 pm
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
Why is it rude? Are you implying that there is something wrong with being on the spectrum? Being on the spectrum is perfectly okay, unlike the person who hugged this comment, who is a jerk.


Yup, it was me. I hugged you. When you make nasty comments to others, expect that it sometimes comes back to you.
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 6:07 pm
My controlling, borderline, Type-A mother operates like this. Calls me up on a typical Sunday morning, all business:
"What are you doing today?"
If my reply doesn't meet her standards of urgency and importance, she then says "Today would be a perfect opportunity to do xyz" "(insert emotional blackmail speech here)"
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:54 pm
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
Yup, it was me. I hugged you. When you make nasty comments to others, expect that it sometimes comes back to you.

There is nothing nasty about my comment. There is a lot wrong with yours. Also, it is against the rules to use a hug this way.
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:55 pm
I am honestly shocked by the casual ableism thrown around here.
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:59 pm
amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:
Um in what way can it be taken in a good way??

Just say that you consider neurotypicals superior if that's what you mean. How is that implication supposed to be anything other than extremely offensive to anyone who is not neurotypical?
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Kiwi13




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:11 pm
In my opinion, the offensive part of assuming autism in someone you don't even know is the ASSUMING part. It's also kind of belittling to lump somebody's concerns into a diagnostic box when it had nothing at all to do with the question. It's an almost universal thing to have social concerns sometimes - we are social beings. There's nothing wrong with people who are neurologically one way or another, but it's not nice to tell somebody "well, lots of people with this issue that I've decided you must have because of this reason..." You know?

Think of it this way, since this is a known sticking point on this website:

What if someone responded, "Lots of people from Chassidish communities..." and then went on to express what they assume of the poster based on, really, not much? There's nothing wrong with being from a Chassidish community, either. But don't you see how it comes across not nice?
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:29 pm
Kiwi13 wrote:
In my opinion, the offensive part of assuming autism in someone you don't even know is the ASSUMING part.

I didn't assume anything about OP, I mentioned as an aside that this is a common issue for people on the spectrum.
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:31 pm
There is no way labeling it as negative is anything but hurtful and ableist.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:33 pm
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:
OP, you sound like an introvert, and you need lots of quiet time to recharge your batteries. There is nothing wrong with that, so don't feel guilty if you don't feel up to doing things.

On the other hand, there are a lot of lonely people out there who would love to have so many people care about them and want to be with them.


Maskim. She sounds lucky that people want to make plans with her all the time.
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Kiwi13




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:33 pm
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
I didn't assume anything about OP, I mentioned as an aside that this is a common issue for people on the spectrum.


Maybe so, but I'm thinking it wasn't so clear from your post. :-/

(The derailment afterward probably isn't what OP hoped for in this thread... sorry, OP!)
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