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Son being punished for punching the bully - Update
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 6:04 pm
You need to get some things in writing. And name names. Does your school communicate via email? If so, send an email and copy principal, assistant principal, teacher, school therapist if such a thing exists in your school.

Your first sentence should read as follows (just not in all caps lol)

I AM CONCERNED FOR THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SAFETY OF MY CHILD DURING SCHOOL HOURS AND WHILE ON THE BUS.

Then state the facts. That your son is reacting and you know it is unacceptable. You have been consistently asking the school to be PROACTIVE and help BOTH CHILDREN navigate their interactions so that there is no further conflict.

Tell them that your son is being VERBALLY ABUSED by another student and there seems to be no one interested in INVESTIGATING the matter.

Then tell them what you want and when you expect to have an potential solution.
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amother




Green
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 6:12 pm
Your son is young, you will learn the men running the schools are majority pathetic at children, usually not that good w the mothers either. You can't change that, its widespread. They aren't in this business because they love being in chinuch. They are there because they didn't want to learn forever and need a paycheck.

1)You must teach your son how to handle the bullying to stop it once and for all. Go get help on how or research techniques online and teach him.
2) Your husband should be the ONLY parent communicating with the school from here on.
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ila




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 6:57 pm
So sorry for all this! We can see you are a very involved mom and one that is looking for solutions.
I hope you can get some support in real life also! Be strong... praying for you and your son
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:04 pm
Oy vey SadI

This is so so painful. Sad you're doing your best, but nothing it's happening with the bully!

I agree with avrahamama. She's new here, and is very often a great advisor.

Email anyone involved like she said. Principals, menahalim, assistant principals, whatever their titles, and school psychologist, whatever the title.

Also,

As a teacher, I know that in person meetings are usually effective. Ask to "call a meeting."
Have the rebbeim of both boys, all principals, school psychologist present. They should be able to coordinate that.

Go to the meeting with your husband, and both of you should be very prepared as to your goals, ideas, complaints. Bring with talking notes.I

When you're up to that stage, where you have an appointment scheduled (Should be this week or within next week), let us know, and we can give ideas of what to say, not to say, strategize.
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:06 pm
Another thing.

At least where I live, the school buses have video recordings.when there are fights on the bus, the principals in our school can go to the bus place and view the video to see what actually took place.

Does yours?
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:14 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Update:

I am literally shaking and crying and have no one to get support from...

I have reached out to the principal a few times in the past to plead my son's case and got nowhere. My son was punished for hitting by losing out on full lunch/recess hour that means he sat in a classroom and ate instead of running around outside. He brought home a note from the principal stating the facts of the punishment and how this cannot happen again. I responded to the note just stating politely that although I fully support the no-violence rule, it isn't right for that boy to not be stopped as well as with-holding play is really not healthy for a kid struggling...
It was respectful and polite.

The response was "they will continue to be doing as they feel is right as there isn't a parent team willing to work with them" Next time he won't be allowed to come for a day . I cannot believe my eyes! That is the furthest thing from the truth. I am an involved parent and am in touch with them often.
I am so lost right now and feel like I need to fight city hall just to let my son have a chance at a normal childhood.

Absolutely appalling. No words. Do you have a spouse that can get involved as well. They need as much pressure as they can get. Your DS is being a scapegoat here. It’s not ok.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:19 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
Another thing.

At least where I live, the school buses have video recordings.when there are fights on the bus, the principals in our school can go to the bus place and view the video to see what actually took place.

Does yours?


The video recordings (if they exist) will only be of limited use. Because they will show OP's son punching the bully quite clearly. Sound is often less clear, so taunting and teasing may not be heard.
And I'm concerned that the school won't care about the video so much. They're showing that they're holding OP's son responsible and not allowing mitigating circumstances like bullying.

Hugs. OP I've had scenarios like this. Time to strap on your Mama Bear uniform and March down and confront the school
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:24 pm
What a painful experience!! My husband was bullied. A lot. For years. DO NOT LET YOUR SON GO ON THE BUS until it is resolved. The trauma is unbearable. Please assure your son "I am on your side. You are worthy. You do not serve this. This is not your fault. You are worthy. I am with you and will do whatever it takes". My husband fought a lot because emotional abuse is FAR stronger and more painful than physical pain. It is unbearable to a child. I say this out of experience and the the PTSD he has. He still has literal nightmares from people taunting him to breaking point. Make sure your son has something he is amazing at whether it be karate, skiing, or art. It will help him feel that at least he has an advantage with something.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Update:

I am literally shaking and crying and have no one to get support from...

I have reached out to the principal a few times in the past to plead my son's case and got nowhere. My son was punished for hitting by losing out on full lunch/recess hour that means he sat in a classroom and ate instead of running around outside. He brought home a note from the principal stating the facts of the punishment and how this cannot happen again. I responded to the note just stating politely that although I fully support the no-violence rule, it isn't right for that boy to not be stopped as well as with-holding play is really not healthy for a kid struggling...
It was respectful and polite.

The response was "they will continue to be doing as they feel is right as there isn't a parent team willing to work with them" Next time he won't be allowed to come for a day . I cannot believe my eyes! That is the furthest thing from the truth. I am an involved parent and am in touch with them often.
I am so lost right now and feel like I need to fight city hall just to let my son have a chance at a normal childhood.


Feel that? Its my arm around you, hugging you and lending you support.

I'm here for you and for your DS.

Tomorrow, go into school and sit in the office until the principal agrees to see you. Tell him that the "parent team" is here to work things out.

Tell him that you fully support the no physical violence rule, and have dealt with it at home as well. If this was one day, do a full Elsa and let it go. If its more than one day, remind him of the need of children to move, and how being inside affects his concentration and ability to work. Perhaps lunch alone is enough, but recess permitted.

But then ask him how, short of physical confrontation, your son is supposed to deal with relentless bullying on the bus. Because he's tried dealing with it in other ways, and you've asked the school to address the issue, but nothing has happened. So the parent team is with him, and you're going to work it out.

Suggest that the bully has to sit in the first seat to the right of the driver at all times, perhaps with an older mentor. Next bullying incident is one week off the bus. The one after that is two weeks. Etc.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:49 pm
Thank you for all your support and responses you have no idea how much it means to me .
There is no one to email or anything it's a very heimish run cheder and the video will just show my kid to be the aggressor and will not help my case at all.
I hope to set up a meeting with my husband there too and state my case AGAIN.

For reference, this son has the rebbe that uses numbers instead of names...remember that thread?

As I'm typing here the situation is so ludicrous I would laugh if it wouldn't be my son in pain. Is this really happening?
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for all your support and responses you have no idea how much it means to me .
There is no one to email or anything it's a very heimish run cheder and the video will just show my kid to be the aggressor and will not help my case at all.
I hope to set up a meeting with my husband there too and state my case AGAIN.

For reference, this son has the rebbe that uses numbers instead of names...remember that thread?

As I'm typing here the situation is so ludicrous I would laugh if it wouldn't be my son in pain. Is this really happening?


WHAT!? NUMBERS INSTEAD OF NAMES!!!???
What kind of chinuch is that!!!????

Ok. No email... So you will have to call and ask for an in-person meeting. Rebbeim, menahalim, school psychologist (do you have one!?) need to be there.
You and your husband will go. Plan what you will say. Plan what they might say. Plan what you'll respond.


(Can you please switch schools? move out of town?)
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amother




Blush
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:06 pm
numbers instead of names? WTH?!
Get your kid into a diff school.
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:06 pm
Just read your numbers thread. That is insane. Sorry.

Are there better-run schools where you live?
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:16 pm
Omgoodness I think you should still write a letter that you can submit in the meeting. Make sure there are bullet points. Key words that you should use are abuse, bullying, neglect.

Any dates of phone calls and events record them in the letter. By the way they probably have fax no?

Now also you might have to decide a few things. Is this school your only option. Are you sticking around out of necessity or choice?

If out of necessity then you need to find a way to make sure they hold up to their responsibility as a school. But also find ways to maintain a healthy relationship with the administration.
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:


For reference, this son has the rebbe that uses numbers instead of names...remember that thread?



I don't remember that thread but if it's how it sounds, perhaps there is another school to look into?
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:28 pm
Op switch schools now, it's hard but it happens.
Now you can say he's being bullied in a few weeks the school will say he's violent and the other schools won't take him.
If you leave in Lakewood, I probably know which school he goes to...
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 10:28 pm
Get a tiny audio recorder. You can get them on ebay for about $10.

Tell yr son you are going to audiotape the bully harassing your son and get HIM in trouble.

Tell your son to just respond "stop it" or "leave me alone" to the abuse.

Tell your son not to hit and you will get the bully SUSPENDED with your EVIDENCE.

Role play this a few times so your son can practice self control.

HATZLOCHAH!
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 11:24 pm
Ask the President.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Feb 12 2020, 11:14 am
After a good night's sleep, a meeting with the powers-that-be, things are looking up!

Thank you everyone!
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amother




Forestgreen
 

Post  Wed, Feb 12 2020, 1:43 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
After a good night's sleep, a meeting with the powers-that-be, things are looking up!

Thank you everyone!

What happened?
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