UPDATE:How would you react? What’s your parenting philosophy

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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behappy2

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 6:08 pm

Mine too. I used to do tons of empathy until I realized I should be teaching him to be happy, content etc...I started talking more. It really helped.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:26 pm

If I had as much time and patience to think of a response as I do now I would say in a mock- surprised -exaggerated- but playful- voice " Excuse me! That's very rude!" Then follow up with "please can you say that a different way"

bigsis144

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:49 pm

Just now:

(I’m minding my own business, singing a cheerful Broadway song to the baby)

"Uuuuughhhh shut up.... I hate that song because you like it so much that it became annoying 🙄🙄"

Last edited by bigsis144 on Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maroon

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:57 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I’m at the stovetop, stirring a pot, almost ready to serve dinner. My seven year old son walks in.

Me: “Hey Moishy, do you want to eat like a ninja? I made stir fry - that’s a food from China! There’s yummy plain rice too.”

(Moishy shoots me with a gun he built out of LEGO)

Moishy: “you know what it means when I shoot you with a bullet? It means you’re being annoying. Be quiet.”

(This is partly for the people who didn’t believe me on the zemiros thread 😕. This kind of thing happens every single day 😔)

—

Especially if you successfully use Nurtured Heart or Explosive Parenting techniques, how would you react?

I pretended he didn’t say anything - not everything has to be addressed in the moment. But when I tried to talk to him later, he just said that I talk too much, my jokes are stupid, and he saw nothing wrong with talking to me that way.

Me: “it’s not acceptable to talk to me - or anyone - like that. It’s hurtful and disrespectful, and it’s not okay.”

Moishy: “well, I think it’s okay.”

Where do I go from here????

The “lagging skill” is holding back the rude thoughts in his head, I think.

I understand some kids get sensorily overwhelmed by too much talking, or may be sensitive/embarrassed by parental humor, but I can’t just let him talk to me like this. It HURTS. Am I supposed to toughen up?? I am working with my therapist on not going into “fight or flight” mode around my kids, but I just want their behavior to CHaNGe ALREADY. I don’t think I’m the problem!!!!

I wonder if the lagging skill is admitting that he was wrong. My "challenging child" is like that. Trying to get her to admit or apologize sends her over the edge. Literally. No matter how much time has elapsed, how calm she is, what a pleasant evening we had. She always ends up escalating and spiraling way out of control. She will end up saying more and more hurtful things. It's part of the oppositional defiant package. I gave up on discipline a long time ago. It's obvious to me that she can't help herself, not with the rude remarks, nor with the inability to own up and apologize. We just work on healing her brain.

ETA: I'm so so so sorry you are going through this. It's a special kind of h*ll.

bigsis144

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:10 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

You get me. Thank you so much 💗

It’s so hard because it feels like so much parenting advice completely fails - anything that even resembles “make your home a happy place, play music, and empathize with exaggerated, silly wish fulfillment!” is just a reminder of how my kids seem determined to stamp out any traces of my happiness

Last edited by bigsis144 on Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maroon

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:13 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

You get me. Thank you so much 💗

Sending you tons of hugs. You don't have to fix this. Can you remove yourself from the situation? Take a time out in your room? I've gotten very good at just ignoring the negativity and not addressing it, like ever, but when I feel like I literally can't handle it I say "I'm feeling very upset, your words are hurting my feelings, I'm going to take a time out in my room because I need to calm down." At least I'm backhandedly modelling good impulse control and emotional regulation. Maybe one day when her brain is more healed it'll sink in. As an aside, she also has separation anxiety, so sometimes the "threat" of me going to my room is enough to stop her in her tracks. One more thing, I do sometimes drop comments about that not being a nice way to talk, or hurtful, or whatever. Without following through with any kind of discipline. Not because I think it'll help in the moment, but because I want her to know, and to know I did mine.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:22 pm

The right thing here is probably to slap
Him across his face (gasp) I wouldn’t though cuz yea gasp. But kids should get an immediate reaction that this was WRONG! Nothing to do with my feeing or how I feel about it. You
Just don’t talk this way to a mother period. I have a 6 year old that can act in a similar way. I took into my head that he just doesn’t know otherwise so he needs to be taught. Such an example would have me open my eyes real big. Make a real strict face. Tell him quietly how chutzpadig that was and I never ever wanna hear it again have him leave the room And come back when he’s ready to talk like a
Mentch

amother

Gold

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:54 pm

bigsis, I've read a lot of your posts and my heart goes out to you Sad

parenting this kind of child can really wreak havoc on your life. I know that you're open to therapy, have you tried DBT by any chance? It's supposed to be amazing for kids with impulse control issues, ADHD, ODD, whatever. Not just for the kids, but parenting therapy for you.

amother

Gray

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 8:59 pm

I have no advice, just hugs. I’ve had a day like this myself and reading about yours just makes me want to cry.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:02 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Am I allowed to say I've done this? With an older child. But he was also much more socially savvy than your child, so.... maybe your child just doesn't get that this is wrong?

amother

Crimson

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:21 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Just now:

(I’m minding my own business, singing a cheerful Broadway song to the baby)

"Uuuuughhhh shut up.... I hate that song because you like it so much that it became annoying 🙄🙄"

With one of my kids, I do the "cheerful agreement" method:

"Yup, I'm the most annoying Mommy in the whole house! I should get an award!"

"Hurray! Now I can win the 'most annoying song' contest!"

"Oh, good! I was afraid I was singing the song for you too, but since you don't like it, I can sing it JUST for the baby!"

"I have ear plugs in my room if you want, so you don't have to listen to me singing!"

(Probably not going to win any prizes because it's a little sarcastic, but it usually stops things and [hopefully] gets the message across not to make insulting comments.)

amother

Tan

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:29 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Just out of curiosity. My son was 60 lbs when he was 7. How do you get a challenging 60 lb kid to go to time out and stay there?

It was just an example of a consequence. Another could be:

"We don't speak that way to Mommy. The lego gun is mine, now. You'll get it back when you apologize."

Or:

"We don't speak that way to Mommy. You just lost the XXX privilege." (Video game time, special dessert, toy that he likes, etc) "You'll get it back tomorrow."

Again, the point is not to shout or yell and scream. You need to appear in control and set firm limits. Behavior = immediate consequence. If you stall or wait until later, the consequence becomes murky and is no longer tied to the behavior, and it becomes that much harder to change it.

amother

Tan

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:30 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

With one of my kids, I do the "cheerful agreement" method:

"Yup, I'm the most annoying Mommy in the whole house! I should get an award!"

See, I never understand this parenting method. I know it's popular, and obviously it must work for someone otherwise it wouldn't be popular, but to me it seems like you're demeaning yourself and reinforcing that you are an object to make fun of, to your child. Am I wrong?

I think my question is: Does this actually change a behavior?

#BestBubby

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:35 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Just out of curiosity. My son was 60 lbs when he was 7. How do you get a challenging 60 lb kid to go to time out and stay there?

If he won't stay in than lock him in.

If you can't get him to go in than take away a toy for a week.

Or he gets a very plain snack like rice cakes instead of chips to take to school.

amother

Tan

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:36 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Me: “it’s not acceptable to talk to me - or anyone - like that. It’s hurtful and disrespectful, and it’s not okay.”

Moishy: “well, I think it’s okay.”

So perhaps you can remove the subjective from your statement. "Well, I think it's okay" can be followed by, "The rule in this house is that we don't call people names." And "The rule in this house is that we don't tell Mommy to be quiet."

It removes the personal and subjective ("you hurt me") and instead states it like a fact.

amother

Tan

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:39 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

If he won't stay in than lock him in.

If you can't get him to go in than take away a toy for a week.

Or he gets a very plain snack like rice cakes instead of chips to take to school.

I don't know if I agree. Getting into physical altercations like locking someone inside a room can become a power struggle that loses sight of of the original problem.

Taking away a toy for a week is a very long consequence. Past day one or two, a seven year old can't really fathom the relationship between the behavior and the consequence.

pause

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:40 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

I would have said "I see you're not in the mood for my jokes right now but please say that again in a respectful manner."

I wouldn't communicate any further until he restates it in a respectful way and apologizes.

I disagree.
This turns his apology/communication into a power struggle which I do EVERYTHING to avoid.

#BestBubby

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:41 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

So you are going to let your child grow up to be an abuser?

How will she be able to STAY married if she is abusive?

If you care about your DD's FUTURE happiness instead of pleasing DD in the moment
you would teach DD to speak respectfully. Otherwise you are destroying DD's future.

pause

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:41 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Just now:

(I’m minding my own business, singing a cheerful Broadway song to the baby)

"Uuuuughhhh shut up.... I hate that song because you like it so much that it became annoying 🙄🙄"

Shrug, smile and say "Well, I like it." and keep singing.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:50 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

I believe that this does work if you don't get carried away with more power struggle. Ultimately, it's not what you say at the moment, but how you feel....and if you are able to make light of it internally, truly bringing you to a peaceful place, I believe it would take away the negative connection and the child would not have gained anything during this interaction, and thereby diminishing such behavior.

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