S/O Would you invite this family for shabbos?

FranticFrummie

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 2:56 pm

Would you invite a BT or a convert over for Shabbos? Suppose they had a "wild" life before they became Torah observant. Would you feel safe letting them around your kids or your husband?

Why or why not?

Disclaimer: I am a BT, and I became frum through the kiruv system. I'm obviously biased in favor of giving people a chance and being hospitable to those with different backgrounds.

banana123

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 3:03 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I don't get it, what's the question? If s/he is a decent person then s/he is a decent person. I judge based on who they are now.

Also I have no issue hosting people who aren't frum. I judge based on other things. Not frumkeit.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 3:11 pm

banana123 wrote:

It's a spin off from the other thread, where OP was worried about the influence on her children from a family who has had problems with abuse. Some people are saying "Of course I'd invite" and others are saying "No way! I wouldn't let them around my kids!"

Knowing that someone may have something problematic in their past can cause others to worry that this will cause bad behavior in the present. On the other hand, if you don't know the person's background and history, then you never know what they're "bringing to the table" so to speak.

If you never have guests, and don't "mish", that's OK. If you only invite people you've known for 10 years or more, or only invite immediate family, that's OK too. Nobody is obligated to have a 100% open door policy at all times. Even in kiruv, sometimes you have to say "no".

I'm just thinking out loud here. I'm not looking to jump on anyone and make judgement on them.

thunderstorm

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 3:13 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Why not ? I think that people have issues inviting those that left the derech. Not vice versa.
The only people that I stay away from inviting are people with obvious behavioral issues or personality disorders and their behavior has a negative effect on either me or my family members. Otherwise, you are all welcome.

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 3:51 pm

I've hosted BT's for Shabbos meals. I don't think I've hosted geirim - just didn't come up.

I only invite people to my home who I or DH know and feel comfortable having, especially as sleepover guests.

One of my siblings used to have a pretty open house, and she too switched to only inviting guests that she knows or come recommended by someone she trusts. Unfortunately, this is the age we live in. She had a very uncomfortable experience with a guest who creeped her out and was inappropriate around her kids, even trying to make up with a pre-teen DD to meet her somewhere..... and that opened her eyes.

I know someone who grew up in a very special home, her parents hosted all sorts of people all the time, and she told me that sadly, it had some negative effect on some of her siblings who were hurt by it.

I have to put my kids first, so I'm happy to have people if my family is comfortable and okay with it, otherwise...not.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 4:00 pm

I don't think this is a fair comparison. In the other thread, there were concerns about possible behavioral issues that might come up, or the kids being exposed to something. When I've had bt/geirim over (or been at someone else's Shabbos table that included bt/geirim), while it may have come up that the person wasn't always frum, they weren't regaling us with tales of frat parties and beer pong in college and how many people they slept with. If someone was off enough to do that, then no, I wouldn't want to have them over, but that's nothing to do with their status as a bt/ger. I'm ok with my kids knowing that not everyone grew up frum. My parents are both bt, so my kids are aware of these things and have spent time with secular family members.

SixOfWands

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 4:06 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

Do you think that the kids on the other thread were going to regale the OP's kids with graphic stories about being molested by their father?

Snickers18

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 4:12 pm

Absolutely. The vast majority of our many guests are not made up of either category though, but rather people who are not currently observant. Sometimes this includes (practicing) Christians, Muslims, and Sikhs who are Jewish. I am more cautious about sleepovers for obvious reasons, but I’ve never really been so concerned about our kids who are around us the whole time and are generally clueless. I believe the good far outweighs any potential negative, which we actually haven’t encountered very often. I suffer from the same grievances many here do......people’s sometimes less than attractive eating habits. Very Happy

There have been a couple people we have stopped asking back because they made our other guests very uncomfortable (think showing up drunk and belligerent), but that so rarely happens. Occasionally we have to politely request no profanity from the younger crowd. I grew up in an “open door” house, as someone mentioned above, and neither I nor my siblings experienced any lasting negative effects from it and think our parents are wonderful for providing a place for people to go. But everyone is different, so you have to know your kids and have open communication with them.

Snickers18

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 4:15 pm

I will add that within this community of people, there are certainly some kids who value certain things that I don’t want my children to value and whose parents’ parenting styles I strongly question (in my own brain), but it would be no different among the frum crowd. We are not all cookie cutters. So my goal is for my kids to focus on how *they* should act.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 4:43 pm

costanza wrote:

Genuine question: Do you think your kids should only be exposed to people who think and live exactly as you do?

Isn't that why we have this very divisive school system set up, where every school can only accept students that match their preset criteria?

HonesttoGod

Wed, Feb 12 2020, 7:38 pm

I have guests by my table that almost 99% sure drove to my meal.... everyone is welcome to my shabbos table it is shabbs and for the time they are sitting at my table they are keeping shabbs so honestly, I don't see the big deal.

My kids know some Jews keep shabbs and do xyz and some don't, but we're all G-ds children and thats that.