Home

Unhealthy feelings

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 10:41 pm
My ds15 yo told me tonight something that has been on his mind for the past year. Please be very sensitive because I really don’t know what to do. He has an appointment with a therapist for the first time next week for other things and we’ll bring it up slowly, but right now I don’t know how to help him. He said he loves me in a se*ual way. I tried to be very empathetic towards him but at the same time explain that it’s unhealthy. I think I said all the right things, but I’m still in wonderment. He also did things that were completely wrong, but he rectified it on his own. He otherwise is a pretty normal boy with I believe a normal upbringing. Please help me or chizzuk or something! I wish I can help him!! Sad
Back to top

amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 10:43 pm
I think it’s normal for kids to feel some attraction to their opposite gender parent. Maybe he is over thinking it and confusing his feelings for females with you. I think it’s great he spoke to you about it.
Back to top

amother




Mauve
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 10:47 pm
This reminds me of the poster in the "shell" thread that claims that mom's can dress provocatively and non tzenuis in front of their boys because boys can't have s-xual feelings towards their mother's.
I'm assuming that your way of dress is ok and tzenuis?
Back to top

amother




Chocolate
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 10:53 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
This reminds me of the poster in the "shell" thread that claims that mom's can dress provocatively and non tzenuis in front of their boys because boys can't have s-xual feelings towards their mother's.
I'm assuming that your way of dress is ok and tzenuis?

It's not that boys can't have such feelings, it's that it's not normal and isn't caused by the mode of dress.
Back to top

trixx




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 10:55 pm
Freud was very into this.
Back to top

amother




Mauve
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 11:02 pm
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
It's not that boys can't have such feelings, it's that it's not normal and isn't caused by the mode of dress.


Of course it can be caused by mode of dress.
Back to top

amother




Lawngreen
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 11:10 pm
It may be as simple as teenage hormones plus confusion regarding no appropriate s-xual outlet. And his guilt over these feelings can be giving them much more significance than they would have if they weren't causing him so much anxiety.
Back to top

amother




Lime
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 11:12 pm
Sometimes OCD can be behind these kinds of things- rather than actually having these feelings, he could be experiencing compulsive thoughts that make him think he has these feelings. I personally have experienced this (in a different way obviously) and found it extremely frightening
Back to top

amother




Azure
 

Post  Thu, Feb 13 2020, 11:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My ds15 yo told me tonight something that has been on his mind for the past year. Please be very sensitive because I really don’t know what to do. He has an appointment with a therapist for the first time next week for other things and we’ll bring it up slowly, but right now I don’t know how to help him. He said he loves me in a se*ual way. I tried to be very empathetic towards him but at the same time explain that it’s unhealthy. I think I said all the right things, but I’m still in wonderment. He also did things that were completely wrong, but he rectified it on his own. He otherwise is a pretty normal boy with I believe a normal upbringing. Please help me or chizzuk or something! I wish I can help him!! Sad


Did things that were wrong? Towards you?
Back to top

amother




Seafoam
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 12:26 am
I agree with the poster who mentioned ocd. That was my first thought. These type of obsessive thoughts can plague you. I think it’s good that he felt able to tell you about it, so you can help him get help.
Back to top

amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 12:33 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
I think it’s normal for kids to feel some attraction to their opposite gender parent. Maybe he is over thinking it and confusing his feelings for females with you. I think it’s great he spoke to you about it.

??????
Back to top

amother




Pink
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 1:56 am
Interesting it reminds me when I was a little kid I had a certain s-xual feeling towards my mom , im a female. It went away when I got older . I never discussed it with anyone just im still very curious why I felt that way. I have no idea. I dont think I'll ever know.
Back to top

amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 5:46 am
I agree with the OCD element. Has she shown other areas of anxiety and / or obsessions?
Back to top

Kiwi13




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 5:50 am
OP can I just say how amazed I am that he felt safe telling you about this???! You must be a really awesome, trustworthy mother. I’m completely serious. That’s an enormous level of trust he showed you. I hope my kids feel that safe and comfortable with me when they’re older!

I don’t have any advice about what you’re dealing with, but there’s a lot to unpack with these things. It’s not always what it seems. Good for you for taking him to get the help he needs.
Back to top

amother




Oak
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 6:28 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
I think it’s normal for kids to feel some attraction to their opposite gender parent. Maybe he is over thinking it and confusing his feelings for females with you. I think it’s great he spoke to you about it.


Not really normal to feel attraction. Confusion? Yea.. totally normal.

Also, to the ones questioning ops tznius;
It's not normal to feel attracted to a mother regardless of her tznius except if the boy is totally confused with his feelings.

To a boy that is not confused, a mother with tight clothing or clothing emphasizing parts of her body are a turn off.

So OP, I say your son doesn't have unhealthy feelings but rather a huge confusion and misplaced feelings.
I would say the the solution is as easy as explaining things to him so he knows how to deal with his emotions.

I hope this therapist understands these subjects very well. Both OCD and attraction issues. Not every therapist does.
Even if therapists do know the subjects, not every therapist can explain these subjects very well and help him sort it out.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 7:44 am
Thank you everybody. He had a very hard time telling me. I told him that I think the bigger problem is the obsession and infatuation. Thank you for pointing out OCD. I will bring that up with the therapist. I would never have thought he would have it.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 10:02 am
My ds doesn’t want me to tell anyone which I completely understand, but I told him that we’ll tell the therapist so she can help him. I’m not going to tell her straight out, but mention the obsessiveness and infatuation. He can tell her in his own time, but I need it addressed ASAP. Since I won’t be telling her, I can’t ask her other things about it, so I’m asking here what you think. What kind of boundaries should we keep if at all? I’m not a touchy feely person, so it’s not a problem in general but last night when he started breaking down because he felt lousy about himself, I wanted to hug him or at least give him a pat on his shoulder. I didn’t because I felt it was passing a boundary we should maybe keep. Was I wrong? Should we keep some sort of boundary? He’s afraid I’m going to feel and act differently towards him. I assured him I won’t, but when it comes to touch, I’m very hesitant. Like I said I’m not a touchy feely person but I like to give him a peck on his cheek once in awhile like I give all my kids. I’m so lost.
Back to top

dancingqueen




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 10:06 am
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Of course it can be caused by mode of dress.


No.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 11:04 am
His hormones are raging and you are the only grown woman in his life that he’s allowed to touch and look at. I bet he’s confusing his general feelings with feelings for you. It’s really hard for boys this age when they’re being so guilt tripped and told they can’t look at women.
Back to top

ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Feb 14 2020, 11:58 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My ds doesn’t want me to tell anyone which I completely understand, but I told him that we’ll tell the therapist so she can help him. I’m not going to tell her straight out, but mention the obsessiveness and infatuation. He can tell her in his own time, but I need it addressed ASAP. Since I won’t be telling her, I can’t ask her other things about it, so I’m asking here what you think. What kind of boundaries should we keep if at all? I’m not a touchy feely person, so it’s not a problem in general but last night when he started breaking down because he felt lousy about himself, I wanted to hug him or at least give him a pat on his shoulder. I didn’t because I felt it was passing a boundary we should maybe keep. Was I wrong? Should we keep some sort of boundary? He’s afraid I’m going to feel and act differently towards him. I assured him I won’t, but when it comes to touch, I’m very hesitant. Like I said I’m not a touchy feely person but I like to give him a peck on his cheek once in awhile like I give all my kids. I’m so lost.

Imagine that you are comforting hugging your daughter that age, and act regular. Yes a hug is fine and good.
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Not-too-unhealthy main dish for Rosh Hashanah
by amother
5 Sun, Sep 13 2020, 8:28 pm View last post
My feelings
by amother
17 Thu, Jul 09 2020, 11:37 pm View last post
"Facts don't care about your feelings" is about feelings
by amother
6 Sun, Nov 17 2019, 6:52 pm View last post
Women in Healthcare: Skipping meals isnt unhealthy for most?
by amother
4 Wed, Sep 25 2019, 12:21 pm View last post
Emotions/ feelings
by amother
3 Mon, Apr 29 2019, 1:11 pm View last post