Gotta love these idealistic young couples...

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:01 pm

I honestly was confused if this letter was serious or not...

amother

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:02 pm

The paragraph that begins with "I am expecting" really left me confused...

TheNeutralOne

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:03 pm

Oh my.

thunderstorm

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:05 pm

She first writes nobody paid for the maternity clothes and the next sentence is that she bought it herself with the money they gave her.

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:07 pm

I’m going back to kollel tomorrow morning.
Anyone wanna be my chavrusa?

amother

Amethyst

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The paragraph that begins with "I am expecting" really left me confused...

That is the norm in some communities. That the girls mother takes her shopping for maternity clothes and pays for them. (extra money - not from what they give monthly as support)

Actually caused a huge fight in my marriage because my husband thought that was a given and I didn't think so (and thought it was 100% wrong to ask)

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:11 pm

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

That is the norm in some communities. That the girls mother takes her shopping for maternity clothes and pays for them.

Actually caused a huge fight in my marriage because my husband thought that was a given and I didn't think so (and thought it was 100% wrong to ask)

where would a dh know about such things? Did his chavrusas talk about maternity clothing? Did his mom?
What is wrong with these young guys?

amother

Amethyst

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:15 pm

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

where would a dh know about such things? Did his chavrusas talk about maternity clothing? Did his mom?
What is wrong with these young guys?

His mom, aunt and every one in those social circles. To them it was as basic as his parents buy her candlesticks and her parents buy him a tallis.

mig100

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I honestly was confused if this letter was serious or not...

What's so confusing? I honestly don't find it confusing at all.

I didn't read the original letter. Maybe that's why

amother

Maroon

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:28 pm

It's confusing because the letter writer is talking out of both sides of her mouth. She keeps saying "you shouldn't be feeling pressure" and "not everyone's able to do this" etc, but then she keeps talking about how much support she's getting, and how many gifts she gets, etc.

amother

Honeydew

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:37 pm

So the options are, either give everything in one lump sum every month to cover all possible expenses (food, clothing, furniture), or give a smaller amount, like maybe enough to cover the rent, and then pay for everything else as "extras"?

Can people who are paying support tell me where they are getting the money from? Like, how much do you earn in a year? I'm paying tuition for 7 kids and we are wiped out. I cannot imagine supporting another whole household on our income, let alone multiple households.

amother

Oak

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:45 pm

Very confusing. With all due respect to her, if she is being fully supported and can even buy maternityy clothes ( I’ll assume in frum stores bec she is in Yerushalmim) after rent utilities and food.. she’s getting a lot. I personally feel it is a chutzpah to then ask parents to help with another $1000 for new furniture!! Doesn’t the couple have wedding money?? Let them use that!
Talking out of both sides of her mouth is exactly right...

chestnut

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 9:55 pm

Until we see the original letter, it's impossible to know if this one is ridiculous or not.
If the original one is about parents who support but their kid is unappreciative and demands more, then this letter is fine.
If the original one is about the pressure to support, them this one is stupid.

amother

Aqua

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:00 pm

Either way, the writer of the letter quoted here seems very ignorant of financial reality. I am curious, what is her and her husband's plan in a few years, when their support stops? Because her letter seems to indicate there is a set amount of years.

I, too, kind of wondered if it was possibly satire....

amother

Mauve

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:12 pm

her entire letter baffles me.
It became the norm but parents do this for their children as a chessed? no they dont. They do it because they want to marry their kids off and they have no other choice.
nobody paid for her maternity clothes? huh? She bought them all by her own little self with the money that- her in laws and parents gave her?! They sure did pay for those clothes.
her parents give her extras and send packages but nobody gave her food for a whole shabbos! wow what a sacrifice . shes probably patting herself on the back for being such a noble coper.

She never pressures her parents to give her anything, she manages completely on her own! Yet when she buys furniture she has no problem asking for help paying for it. and she is probably thinking wow I am so amazing because my parents didnt pay for the whole thing- they only paid for half and I am not throwing a tantrum about it.
This whole letter really rubs me the wrong way.

Its like a spoiled rich kid telling everyone that he is so amazing and noble and thrifty because he manages with only 2 cars and not 4 like all his friends have.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:12 pm

She's responding to another writer. Her letter makes sense as an answer, alone it sounds odd. It has to be read in context.

amother

Aqua

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:19 pm

I get that she's responding to a letter.
That doesn't take away from the fact that she sounds extremely young and, tbh, kind of spoiled. Not in a bratty way, but just plain used to getting stuff lavished on her.

TravelHearter

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:37 pm

Hi all.
Just wanted to share my personal experience.
I started off my marriage in yerushalayim as well. My in laws couldn’t support, and my parents are not well off, but committed to doing apprx $2k a month for six months and then seeing how they’re doing. Their main livelihood is commission based so they are able to see yad Hashem clearly and are very into we do what we need to do and Hashem will provide. They’ve ben proven right again and again, maybe bc of their bitachon. Either way, 2k paid for rent plus some for basics. I tried to find work, which is very hard for American girls, and made just a little bit plus husbands kollel money. With all this we were fine but barely went out to eat and didn’t clothing shop etc. we moved back after six months for other reasons. Now we are in an out of town kollel which pays well BH, and my in laws and parents help out randomly, such as challah and chicken soup for shabbos, some help w rent, etc. things like maternity clothes I actually got from my MIL.
My parents by no means are well off. They don’t pay full tuition usually, etc. they gave us what we needed with the thought that we would do the rest on our own. My husband is in kollel, we have a couple of kids, and BH we’re managing right now bc we figured out a way to do so... we’re living out of town.

amother

Honeydew

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:43 pm

TravelHearter wrote:

It's very nice that you were able to manage.

But let's assume that this is the standard, $2k per month minimum. That's $24k per year (if they go a full year). And that's on top of whatever they paid for the wedding. Are there other children in the home? If I was doing that it would be a third of our take-home pay. If I had 2 kids to support it would be 2/3 of our take home.

How does anyone do this if they have other children at home? Is everyone wealthy?

agreer

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:47 pm

chestnut wrote:

The original letter was ridiculous. It wad from a mil who was desperate to please and didn't know if she was being generous enough. She wanted to know what the "rules" are for when to give gifts (on top of supporting).

This letter is tame in comparison. I wanted to smack the original mil.

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