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Do your 6/7 yr old sons dress themselves every morning?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 7:50 am
Am I the only one dresses their kids till theyre like 10? I don’t see what the big deal is. Maybe if I had a lot of kids I’d see things differently.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:03 am
My 5 year old will usually dress mostly himself, but sometimes he wants to be little and I dress him.
By 7, they dress themselves, but if they're being difficult about it, I'll hand them their clothing one piece at a time.
As long as he's capable of the physical steps of getting dressed, I see no point in turning it into a fight.
My 12 year old had me help him with bits until he was 10. Now, he's quite independent.
I see it that different kids need different things.
Some kids feel loved by acts of service. Some by being babied.
Technically, my 10 year old doesn't need me to go to sleep, but he likes when I tuck him in and sit on his bed and rub his back for a few minutes.

But then again, I've been accused of babying my kids. I do all the laundry, including my teens. I make all the lunches and prepare all the snacks and drinks.
The kids have chores to do, but I see it as my responsibility to take care of them.
So who knows.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:29 am
I'm trying to understand how acts of service translates to literally dressing a child that is capable and needs to learn how to get themselves out of the door in the morning.

I understand making them their favorite breakfast or meal especially. Or making a to go cup of hot chocolate. Even putting their clothes in the dryer or on the heater ( I used to do that also FF!)

But literally zipping the fly of a child that knows how... For me it's not an act of service. It's a disservice. For me. In my house. In your house you do you.

Anyway. My children all work very well with timers. Get each article of clothing on at each ding. Socks are tricky for little hands so I help with that or give them more time.

BZH they'll all get their own clothes on by the time they get to chuppah. And all us Jewish mothers should have the zchut to straighten their ties or help with they kittels and snap the buttons on the backs of their wedding dresses.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:40 am
avrahamama wrote:
I'm trying to understand how acts of service translates to literally dressing a child that is capable and needs to learn how to get themselves out of the door in the morning.

I understand making them their favorite breakfast or meal especially. Or making a to go cup of hot chocolate. Even putting their clothes in the dryer or on the heater ( I used to do that also FF!)

But literally zipping the fly of a child that knows how... For me it's not an act of service. It's a disservice. For me. In my house. In your house you do you.

Anyway. My children all work very well with timers. Get each article of clothing on at each ding. Socks are tricky for little hands so I help with that or give them more time.

BZH they'll all get their own clothes on by the time they get to chuppah. And all us Jewish mothers should have the zchut to straighten their ties or help with they kittels and snap the buttons on the backs of their wedding dresses.



Kids like to be looked after and it's our job to give them that security. I guess in my books, six year olds don't need to be taught such responsibility yet if they're not ready. It's our job to get them out of the house on time at this age, we're talking about young children, not teenagers.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:41 am
avrahamama wrote:
I'm trying to understand how acts of service translates to literally dressing a child that is capable and needs to learn how to get themselves out of the door in the morning.

I understand making them their favorite breakfast or meal especially. Or making a to go cup of hot chocolate. Even putting their clothes in the dryer or on the heater ( I used to do that also FF!)

But literally zipping the fly of a child that knows how... For me it's not an act of service. It's a disservice. For me. In my house. In your house you do you.

Anyway. My children all work very well with timers. Get each article of clothing on at each ding. Socks are tricky for little hands so I help with that or give them more time.

BZH they'll all get their own clothes on by the time they get to chuppah. And all us Jewish mothers should have the zchut to straighten their ties or help with they kittels and snap the buttons on the backs of their wedding dresses.


I completely agree. I wrote something similar on the thread about everyone being so "delicate". Our job is not to baby our children indefinitely, our job is to raise them to be functional adults.

It's part of the heartbreak of parenthood. A successful parent raises their child so that eventually the child won't need them anymore. Every other creature in the world wants their offspring to be independent. We are the only ones who encourage dependency to an unhealthy extent.

I knew of one mom who was still spoon feeding her 3yo baby food. Her child literally did not know how to feed herself. When I was taking care of her, I taught her how to eat normal food by herself in just a couple of days, and the mom was MAD at me!

All of this extended infancy is damaging to the child, and pure selfishness on the part of the parent.
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:44 am
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
Kids like to be looked after and it's our job to give them that security. I guess in my books, six year olds don't need to be taught such responsibility yet if they're not ready. It's our job to get them out of the house on time at this age, we're talking about young children, not teenagers.

It's your job to get them out of the house on time, but at age 6 they can already dress themselves, undress themselves, take care of their own pees and poops and bathroom hygiene, and only need a bit of help showering.

It's your job to teach them to take responsibility for their own bodies. You can make the lunches and find the shoes and hand them coats and tell them, "We need to go NOW!" and give them a deadline 10 minutes earlier than you need to. They can get themselves dressed, eat their own breakfast, and put on their own shoes and coats.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:46 am
banana123 wrote:
It's your job to get them out of the house on time, but at age 6 they can already dress themselves, undress themselves, take care of their own pees and poops and bathroom hygiene, and only need a bit of help showering.

It's your job to teach them to take responsibility for their own bodies. You can make the lunches and find the shoes and hand them coats and tell them, "We need to go NOW!" and give them a deadline 10 minutes earlier than you need to. They can get themselves dressed, eat their own breakfast, and put on their own shoes and coats.


Of course they can do all these things, but if they don't seem ready, why push it? That's what I just don't understand.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:53 am
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
Of course they can do all these things, but if they don't seem ready, why push it? That's what I just don't understand.


If they are not ready by 6 or 7, they need to be seen by a pediatrician.

Why push it? Because it's developmentally appropriate, and emotionally healthy for them to accomplish something that they can feel proud of. Enforced helplessness is not kindness.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:55 am
mommy3b2c wrote:
Am I the only one dresses their kids till theyre like 10? I don’t see what the big deal is. Maybe if I had a lot of kids I’d see things differently.


Smile no you are not the only one.

Honestly, I never even thought about it till DD had a friend who stayed for a week when she was in 2nd grade, and the kid got up in the morning and dressed herself! I was like, wow, should DD be doing that?

It's not a behavior that follows them. Same DD is very capable, efficient, practically runs various aspects of my house for me now (cuz she likes to!). She just took her time being a child.

When she was almost 10, I was pg with my youngest and the mornings were tough for me, so she and other DD (who was almost 7 then) learned to dress themselves. I remember having envelopes and prize tickets, and if they were dressed and ready by 8 in the morning they could put in a ticket. 10 tickets got them a trip to the $ store to choose a prize.


Last edited by Chayalle on Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:58 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 9:57 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
If they are not ready by 6 or 7, they need to be seen by a pediatrician.

Why push it? Because it's developmentally appropriate, and emotionally healthy for them to accomplish something that they can feel proud of. Enforced helplessness is not kindness.


Oh, come on.

It's not enforced helplessness. It's a bit of pampering and Mommy-time in the morning. If you can't do it, you don't. But it's not a big deal, and doesn't make them into helpless snowflakes for the rest of their lives.
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amother




Sienna
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 10:01 am
The bottom line is that a high school graduate, at 18 or 19, needs to be able to independently manage his own hygiene, clothing and laundry, food preparation, nutrition, bedroom and bathroom cleanliness, schoolwork, paid work, calendar, and money.

If some parents are able to teach all of those skills in the last few years of childhood, then I don't see a problem. But my personal experience is that these habits take time to develop and can't always be crammed at the last minute.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 10:01 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
I completely agree. I wrote something similar on the thread about everyone being so "delicate". Our job is not to baby our children indefinitely, our job is to raise them to be functional adults.

It's part of the heartbreak of parenthood. A successful parent raises their child so that eventually the child won't need them anymore. Every other creature in the world wants their offspring to be independent. We are the only ones who encourage dependency to an unhealthy extent.

I knew of one mom who was still spoon feeding her 3yo baby food. Her child literally did not know how to feed herself. When I was taking care of her, I taught her how to eat normal food by herself in just a couple of days, and the mom was MAD at me!

All of this extended infancy is damaging to the child, and pure selfishness on the part of the parent.


And that's why I said I first make sure my child is capable of dressing himself with each article of clothing.
But if he asks sometimes, I'll do it because he feels loved.
However underwear is their own responsibility as is fly-zipping.

Here's the thing. I'm ok with not pushing my kids to grow up too fast. A six year old is just an overgrown preschooler.
I think there's way too much pushing by parents and society that "you're already X age". You're already 2, no more diapers. You're already 4, no more tantrums.
I think a child who's allowed to be a "baby" in whatever aspects they emotionally need, it fills up the "baby needs" in their heart and psyche and allows them to embrace the "grown up meds".
FF, you often grumble about the "man child or man baby". I have a theory (proven just anecdotally) that many of these manbabies were children pushed to grow up faster than is fair or capable and when they go on their own, they revert to the baby they wish they could have been.

Anyways, back to the original topic. OP, I would work with my 6/7 year old. He does 2 items, I do one, he does 2, I do 1. Or maybe encourage him to dress and you do 1 day a week.

And I'm not sure why, but the thought of the cleaning woman dressing him (no family, no relevance to race or religion) bothers me a lot.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 10:04 am
keym, I'd hit the love button for that post if there was one.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 10:09 am
Chayalle wrote:
Oh, come on.

It's not enforced helplessness. It's a bit of pampering and Mommy-time in the morning. If you can't do it, you don't. But it's not a big deal, and doesn't make them into helpless snowflakes for the rest of their lives.


Agreed 100%.

It's also a personality thing.
I have a 5 1/2 year old and a 3 year old.
My 5 year old is capable of all the self care stuff, but often prefers I do it for him. I can imagine he will be like this in a year also.
He can do it all (except a good job on button down shirts). So I encourage him. Put on your underwear and pants, I'll put on your socks. Soap your body, I'll soap your hair.
And he is nowhere near ready to shower independently.
I don't think I need to speak to a pediatrician. I think different kids develop and need different things.
Now my 3 year old is way more independent minded. Prefers to do everything himself. But that's the way Hashem made him. Nothing else.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 10:10 am
Chayalle wrote:
keym, I'd hit the love button for that post if there was one.


Aw thanks. That's sweet. I agree with what you're saying and your positions here too.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 10:10 am
keym wrote:

FF, you often grumble about the "man child or man baby". I have a theory (proven just anecdotally) that many of these manbabies were children pushed to grow up faster than is fair or capable and when they go on their own, they revert to the baby they wish they could have been.


Hmmm, I never thought about it from that angle. You make a very interesting point. It could be that there is more than one cause for "man-baby syndrome." I'll keep what you said in mind.
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saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 11:18 am
I think that the best way is to discuss this with your child at a separate time. I'm a big fan of Ross Greene. Have a conversation with your child that goes something like this:

Adult: Child, I see that you are having trouble dressing yourself in the morning. What's up?
Child: hopefully they add something useful here...
Once you understand the child's hesitation, then you can continue the conversation with "My concerns are..." and then explain what your concerns about your child not dressing himself in the morning is. See if you can find an appropriate agreement.

You need to decide if that's worth it to your of if you don't mind continuing it. My husband gets 4 kids ready in the morning and they are all within a 5 year span so we train our kids to dress themselves mostly independently at age 3. It works for us.
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dancingqueen




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 1:55 pm
I’m team Keym and Chayala. It happens to be that my 7 yo is very independent, but my 4 yo does enjoy getting some help with dressing even though they can dress themselves. It’s a loving gesture if you can.
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 2:00 pm
amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:
Of course they can do all these things, but if they don't seem ready, why push it? That's what I just don't understand.

From my experience they are ready as toddlers but then regress because they need a bit of babying.

So the solution isn't to okay the regression and allow them not to take responsibility. The solution is to find a healthier way to provide the babying that they still need.

Granted, that's a lot harder than just taking two minutes to get them dressed in the morning.
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