15 year old DD telling me how to parent.

amother

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 3:29 pm

My daughter is the oldest and only girl and has a couple of younger brothers. She is extremely smart and is a good child by nature. I have a more relaxed parenting approach too parenting and lately she has been expressing that I'm too lax in my demands and discipline. It came to a point that we argue constantly. For example my 4.5 year old is lazy to go to the bathroom and sometimes starts in his pants and leaks a bit. I told him not to wait and made a progress chart. I also have him change himself which I feel is a natural consequence. My daughter insists that he needs to be punished for doing this and not be rewarded for not doing it... She gets upset if I don't respond to chutzpah from kids in a harsh way. My philosophy is, that I don't have to see and hear everything and not everything has to be made into a federal case. I know she is a teenager and sees things from a black and white perspective, and seriously wants to help... It is not coming from a bad place... She can't understand why I help him get dressed in the morning (he needs to catch a bus early) or why I don't punish him (4.5 yr old) for making small messes or not cleaning after himself right away... Sometimes I leave the toys out during the week and she says we have a crazy house. I happen to run a fairly meticulous home... How do I get her to let me do my own thing without hurting her self esteem and repressing her desires? We are in constant battles because if I don't discipline the way she thinks is right she will punish them herself! What am I doing wrong and how can we restore peace in my house?

amother

Gold

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 3:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Does she help with the kids alot? Does she do alot of chores?
I'm also the oldest girl with a bunch of younger brothers. I did very very much at home. I almost raised my siblings. Yet when I disciplined them, my mom got all mad and said "I'm his mother". I would tell my mom that if she's expecting my help and expecting me to do so much at home, I get to discipline them when they misbehave under my watch. Otherwise, I would walk off.
Make sure she doesn't have too much on her plate and make sure your lax approach isn't affecting her.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 3:50 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

THIS. It's "Oldest Daughter Syndrome". Ask any family where the girl is the oldest, and they can tell you the exact same thing. It's actually really rare to see a family where the oldest girl is not put in charge all the time. It all falls down on the girl with the most seniority, even if there are 5 older boys ahead of her. Boys never get that kind of pressure at home.

I'm taking care of a 6yo girl with 2 little brothers, and she's already acting this way. Her mom is so relaxed that she's barely even aware of her kids, and the 6yo runs the house. She is constantly telling me that I'm doing everything wrong, and that's not how we do it, etc. If the youngest boy cries, she gets mad at me if I try to pick him up, and says that she's the only one who can comfort him. This girl has the entire world on her shoulders, and she's only in first grade!

It's important to stand up to chutzpah, and you need to start with DD. Keep reminding her that you are in charge, and do your best not to ask her for help. She needs to see that you are actually on top of things, and by no means let her punish any of the other kids! She does not have the maturity to know when consequences are needed, and it's not her job in the first place.

amother

Gold

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 3:53 pm

mamma llama wrote:

If she gets upset at you for not responding to chutzpah, you could mention that rebuking your parenting is chutzpah too...

Bottom line, though, don't take what your DD says personally. Teens will be teens. One day, they grow up and realize that their parents have rhyme and reason for everything they do.

Hatzlacha!

This is not necessarily true. Not all parents know how to parent right. I parent way differently and better than my parents, because I saw their parenting ways and as a teen I made up my mind that I'll do better.

mamma llama

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 3:55 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I don't think that parenting differently necessarily means parenting better.
Each family needs to do what works best for them. There's no one right method.

amother

Gold

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 3:56 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

If she takes care of the kids alot, or she babysits alot, she can give an appropriate consequence if the kids misbehave when she's taking care of them. If it's her job to take care of the kids, it's her job to give an appropriate consequence when she see's fit.

amother

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 3:58 pm

OOTforlife wrote:

A couple of possible things to consider:

Have you sent mixed messages in the past by putting her in a supervisory role over younger siblings when convenient for you?

Does your more relaxed parenting style ever directly or indirectly cause consequences or inconveniences for her?

Hmmm, deep food for thought! I think you're saying something...

For the sake of clarity and receiving helpful advice I will admit a few shameful habits that I haven't realized might very well have led her to be this way, here goes.

I let her be very independent almost always and respected her opinion highly if sensible. I also asked for her opinion maybe a bit too much on clothing that I shopped for myself or what to cook for dinner, or what she says to a new dish I made... I also may have apologized many times for situations in which I was afraid I wronged her. I may also secretly be afraid of not being a competent as a mother and housewife. She is very smart, 15yrs but going on 50 lol, and very emotionally intuitive.

Some background as to why I gave her so much freedom and choice and apologize probably too much... I am also the oldest and have a sister a year younger that was always considered better, more mature, smarter and basically bossed me around. As a result I grew up with a firm resolve to let her flourish and make her feel "extra" validated. I am also paranoid about hurting her or repressing her feelings... That being said I'm also lax with her discipline and let her get away with excuses when she has no patience for housework. To sum it up, I demand very little of her and she even told me that she WANTS me to be stricter with her... Boy, is this post a reality check for me...

The question remains, given all the above background and confessions - how can I reclaim my position of authority without rubbing each other the wrong way? There must be a way. No? Help

amother

Gold

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 4:00 pm

mamma llama wrote:

I don't think that parenting differently necessarily means parenting better.
Each family needs to do what works best for them. There's no one right method.

I resolved to never do things my mother does and it's made me a much better parent and my kids are pretty well behaved bh. True that there is no one right method, but not all parents ways work for them, even if they think it does.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 4:01 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

If she takes care of the kids alot, or she babysits alot, she can give an appropriate consequence if the kids misbehave when she's taking care of them.

That's assuming she knows what is appropriate. Punishing a little boy who's not even 5 for having minor bathroom accidents is not OK. She can remind him to go more often, but after the fact he needs to clean himself up, and that's it. The consequence is that he can't go back to playing until he's changed and clean.

Putting a frown on a behavior chart is OK. Locking kids in their room is not OK. When she's angry and overwhelmed, does she know the difference?

IMHO, she should also be getting paid if she's taking on extra work. She's doing a job, and should have something to show for it and be proud of. If you would pay a stranger to do what she does, then it only makes sense to pay her. She didn't ask to be born first, and she didn't ask to be assigned the role of "little mother".

ora_43

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 4:03 pm

I have to disagree with some of the posts here. I guess it could be that she sometimes has a point, but more likely, she's just... a teenager. Teenagers generally think they know a lot more than they actually do, and for teenage firstborns, that tends to include thinking they know all about how to raise younger kids.

(but seriously guys, she thinks a 4-year-old boy should be responsible for getting himself ready for an early schoolbus, and should be punished for wetting his pants. Those are not brilliant insights from an objective third party, those are the kind of thoughts a person has when they are old enough to think of themselves as an adult, but young enough to have no awareness of just how young 4 is.)

I think worrying about "hurting her self-esteem and repressing her desires" is out of place. Not that you need to be harsh with her. But she's old enough to be treated more or less like an adult. IOW - set a boundary and insist she stick to it, just like with any other adult. You wouldn't let your sister endlessly correct your parenting, right?

Explain yourself once, if you want - politely but firmly - and then refuse to engage. "Noted." "I'll take that into consideration." "I'm the mother, and I have my reasons for doing things this way. When you have kids, you'll be free to do things differently." Whatever. Pick one, and repeat it until she storms off in the kind of righteous indignation only teenage girls can manage.

Her comments may not be coming from a bad place but it's still not good for her to get the impression that it's OK to talk to people like that.

(Of course if it's something that directly affects her, like a sibling hitting her or screaming outside her door, that's a different story, and in a case like that I'd make a bit more of a show of parental discipline. But with general stuff like another kid's pants-wetting she gets zero say.)

amother

Teal

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 4:06 pm

ora_43 wrote:

Agreed.

amother

Wed, Feb 19 2020, 4:06 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

The only time she had to extend herself a bit was in my first trimester of pregnancy lately. She normally helps a bit only on Erev shabbos as I have cleaning help twice a week and she has almost no responsibilities during the week. She still helps less than the average girl her age being that she has only 3 younger brothers, youngest 4.5 old... She does take school very seriously and is a straight A student. Of course this involves lots of studying and helping half her class study as well, she is flooded with calls before a test or assignment... She reads a ton in her spare time.