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Do you live in an impossibly big house?
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:54 pm
amother [ Teal ] wrote:
Oh, this makes more sense!
You're right, we don't choose our blessings. But you might as well enjoy fully the blessings you do have.


Yup
The material things are easy to see.
My son sits alone with us at the shabbos table no siblings which is why we always have loads of friends and guests. It’s no because I’m amazing and unreal as my friends say
It’s because seeing my son alone at the table lonely breaks my heart .
My son loves people and having company.
My husband is very difficult to get along with and opinionated.Financially Successful people aren’t usually the easiest to live with I’m told.
Life is very hard thank you for your chizuk ladies I so badly had to hear
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amother




Teal
 

Post  Tue, Feb 25 2020, 9:59 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Yup
The material things are easy to see.
My son sits alone with us at the shabbos table no siblings which is why we always have loads of friends and guests. It’s no because I’m amazing and unreal as my friends say
It’s because seeing my son alone at the table lonely breaks my heart .
My son loves people and having company.
My husband is very difficult to get along with and opinionated.Financially Successful people aren’t usually the easiest to live with I’m told.
Life is very hard thank you for your chizuk ladies I so badly had to hear


All we can see is what's going on on the outside of people's lives, we can't know what's going on inside. Everyone has a story, a life that goes on behind closed doors.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 1:27 am
Mommyg8 wrote:

Personally, I've always been much more jealous- if I'm allowed to admit that emotion - of women with very large families who are managing well than of people with money. Because having a large family and raising them well is a personal accomplishment while money - is just something you're given.

So now you know three women.


wow this thread has taken a turn, but I just needed to comment on this because it really jumped out at me.
Giving birth to a large family is not a personal accomplishment. It is a blessing from Hashem. Many Many wish they can have 10 kids but are unable to if Hashem decrees it so. It is only Hashem that gave someone the children they have. Even raising them well is not a personal accomplishment, because Hashem blessed you with a support system, family members, sisters etc to help out with the babies, even the ability to have patience with the chaos is all a gift- a blessing. Money is in the same way a gift.

If you want to say that having a large family is a personal accomplishment then having a lot of money is also a personal accomplishment- you worked hard to earn it. But If you want to say it is simply given to you- well I would say that the many babies were also given to you.
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amother




Purple
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 2:22 am
Burgundy,
I could not agree more with your comments and kind disposition and sentiments. You seem like a very intelligent and lovely person. I would want to be your friend!
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amother




Teal
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:38 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
wow this thread has taken a turn, but I just needed to comment on this because it really jumped out at me.
Giving birth to a large family is not a personal accomplishment. It is a blessing from Hashem. Many Many wish they can have 10 kids but are unable to if Hashem decrees it so. It is only Hashem that gave someone the children they have. Even raising them well is not a personal accomplishment, because Hashem blessed you with a support system, family members, sisters etc to help out with the babies, even the ability to have patience with the chaos is all a gift- a blessing. Money is in the same way a gift.

If you want to say that having a large family is a personal accomplishment then having a lot of money is also a personal accomplishment- you worked hard to earn it. But If you want to say it is simply given to you- well I would say that the many babies were also given to you.


I actually think that raising a large family (or any size family) well is a personal accomplishment. Not everyone has help and a support system. Anything you put alot of work into is a personal accomplishment. Whether it's raising kids or working hard and being successful. Of course it's a bracha from hashem, but it nevertheless is a personal accomplishment.
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 10:02 am
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
Burgundy,
I could not agree more with your comments and kind disposition and sentiments. You seem like a very intelligent and lovely person. I would want to be your friend!

Thank you!! Smile
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 10:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
wow this thread has taken a turn, but I just needed to comment on this because it really jumped out at me.
Giving birth to a large family is not a personal accomplishment. It is a blessing from Hashem. Many Many wish they can have 10 kids but are unable to if Hashem decrees it so. It is only Hashem that gave someone the children they have. Even raising them well is not a personal accomplishment, because Hashem blessed you with a support system, family members, sisters etc to help out with the babies, even the ability to have patience with the chaos is all a gift- a blessing. Money is in the same way a gift.

If you want to say that having a large family is a personal accomplishment then having a lot of money is also a personal accomplishment- you worked hard to earn it. But If you want to say it is simply given to you- well I would say that the many babies were also given to you.


She specifically said raising them well - not just having them.
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 11:02 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
She specifically said raising them well - not just having them.


I was going to say the same until I read the rest.
She also said the assistance you got.
It can be a helpful husband, it can be being able to afford help(and I'll include tutors, babysitting, extra curricular activities, camps, great schools), it can be a supportive family, being raised well so you don't need to rely on others.
I learned some things in my old age.
Life is one HUGE picture.
We don't even realize what happens and affects the future. Maybe years later.
AND I'D LIKE TO ADD MENTAL HEALTH. That is a huge bracha
I think any good a person gets is not from them alone.
Yes hishtadlus is a real thing but ultimately its up to Hashem

Adding that I agree with burgundys response to me- and it's one of my challenges in life to try hard and push myself....(that's probably why I wrote the the mental health comment)
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 11:22 am
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
I was going to say the same until I read the rest.
She also said the assistance you got.
It can be a helpful husband, it can be being able to afford help(and I'll include tutors, babysitting, extra curricular activities, camps, great schools), it can be a supportive family, being raised well so you don't need to rely on others.
I learned some things in my old age.
Life is one HUGE picture.
We don't even realize what happens and affects the future. Maybe years later.
AND I'D LIKE TO ADD MENTAL HEALTH. That is a huge bracha
I think any good a person gets is not from them alone.
Yes hishtadlus is a real thing but ultimately its up to Hashem

I agree with the above.
Let’s just remember there’s still an element of bechira. The ability for a person to CHOOSE between good/ less good/ bad.
To do our best, (and decide what best even is...) with our tools and abilities and blessings.
We’re not angels and not robots, we got that ability to choose and accomplish and that’s how we earn schar.
There are all types of accomplishments, for a Jew even just being alive and breathing and having emuna in Gd is in itself an accomplishment one gets rewarded for.
Basically everyone can only live their own life to the best of their ability accomplishing as much as is possible for THEM.
It’s not a competition or a race....
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amother




Blonde
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 11:44 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
I agree with the above.
Let’s just remember there’s still an element of bechira. The ability for a person to CHOOSE between good/ less good/ bad.
To do our best, (and decide what best even is...) with our tools and abilities and blessings.
We’re not angels and not robots, we got that ability to choose and accomplish and that’s how we earn schar.
There are all types of accomplishments, for a Jew even just being alive and breathing and having emuna in Gd is in itself an accomplishment one gets rewarded for.
Basically everyone can only live their own life to the best of their ability accomplishing as much as is possible for THEM.
It’s not a competition or a race....


This.
And it's all a combination. Is your success your personal achievement or a blessing? It's a combination, it's both. It doesn't matter if we are talking about your success in going from rags to riches, or your success in raising 10 happy, well-adjusted children. They both require a mixture of personal drive and luck (blessing from Hashem). What proportion of each changes from person to person.

Someone earlier mentioned that earning money is just a gift, but raising children well is an achievement. I disagree with that. Both are a combination of gift and achievement. The mother who raised 10 children well is usually gifted with many things that allowed her to do that (easy children/lots of energy/an easy temperament/a supportive community/money/a helpful husband and so on - all these are gifts. It's much harder to raise children who have severe ADHD or ODD or even OCD, for example. It's much harder to raise 10 children well if you have health issues or just lack energy. Etc.).
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 12:09 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
This.
And it's all a combination. Is your success your personal achievement or a blessing? It's a combination, it's both. It doesn't matter if we are talking about your success in going from rags to riches, or your success in raising 10 happy, well-adjusted children. They both require a mixture of personal drive and luck (blessing from Hashem). What proportion of each changes from person to person.

Someone earlier mentioned that earning money is just a gift, but raising children well is an achievement. I disagree with that. Both are a combination of gift and achievement. The mother who raised 10 children well is usually gifted with many things that allowed her to do that (easy children/lots of energy/an easy temperament/a supportive community/money/a helpful husband and so on - all these are gifts. It's much harder to raise children who have severe ADHD or ODD or even OCD, for example. It's much harder to raise 10 children well if you have health issues or just lack energy. Etc.).

Exactly anything you made good choices on is your accomplishment.
That’s bechira.
Because even with all the blessings you can choose to live on easy street, etc.
(Not host in your big house, even if you feel you can, not endure 10 pregnancies even if you feel you can, not support mosdos even though you can)
Every time we choose well we get rewarded, even if we “have the ability”.
And if we can’t, then it just means it’s not what we came here for.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 12:44 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
Nothing is wrong with ANYTHING if you can afford/handle/manage/take care of it.

Except for things that are actually aveiros.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 12:45 pm
Nobody really knows what is or isn't an accomplishment for someone, because you don't see what tools they did or didn't have.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 1:15 pm
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
Nobody really knows what is or isn't an accomplishment for someone, because you don't see what tools they did or didn't have.


EMES.
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 1:17 pm
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
Nobody really knows what is or isn't an accomplishment for someone, because you don't see what tools they did or didn't have.

Exactly.
For example a woman can cook a full Shabbos for someone but her own son who came home from Yeshiva is starving for some private time and attention and she has no time, she has to cook for this family and then run to visit an old age home that she goes to every Thursday. (Which is amazing!)
For the seuda she’s hosting five guests who are regulars and after the seuda she runs off to a Tehillim group because klal yisroel really needs her tefillos.
He goes back to yeshiva after a whole Shabbos of barely talking to his mother five minutes.....

Or: A couple is giving a long distance 6 hr ride to a friend and her daughter but the husband really needed this little break together and that’s why he wanted to join his wife for this trip to her close friend’s wedding. He was looking forward to some quiet alone time with just them two before reaching the chaos of the wedding but with this friend and her daughter in the back he just feels uncomfortable shmoozing and drives quietly like an Uber driver.

Both these scenarios can be the right thing for someone else, it depends, only the person him/herself knows...... and sometimes we just have to listen to our heart and trust our own gut feeling.
Only the person himself can decide, because What’s ‘right’ is sometimes very different than what ‘looks good’.
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