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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
OP
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 8:32 pm
I was at a friends shabbos table today for the day meal.
I BH just started working at my new job and so far I’m enjoying it
(I babysit and bring my baby with me)
Anyway so my friend asks about it and then gets more personal (what’s the mother’s name, etc) and then all of a sudden, she asked me
What does she wear on her head?
I tried giving her my “are you serious right now” look but I guess she didn’t catch it lol
I said “whaaaat?” (I heard her the first time just wanted to subtly remind her to change the question to another question)
No reaction just the same question but a bit louder.
So again I give her a more incredulous “really?!!!” look and turned to my husband (who was anyway deeply engrossed in what my friends husbands Torah talk) and at that point I’m getting real antsy and irritated:(
I stammered out that she wears a covered wig
(Btw I really wanted to go off on her and say that what someone covers her hair with is none of anybody’s business and it’s not our place to judge and why did you ask that etc)
I swallowed my annoyance and kept on eating...
Later I ranted off to my husband about it and BH he can be so much better at dan lkaf zechus than me so he says “maybe she was curious!”
What do y’all think
Am I overreacting or should I just let it go
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amother
Plum
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 8:35 pm
Maybe she was trying to figure out if it's the Sarah Schwartz from her sister's class or the Sarah Schwartz from her camp, knowing they cover differently. Kwim? Still weird but not necessarily nefarious.
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trixx
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 8:37 pm
I don't really get the big deal, it's not a secret, you would literally know just from seeing her. Also in mixed communities (ie in mine I wouldn't even think someone would not just be wearing a regular shaitel) this question might be more legitimate.
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groovy1224
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 8:37 pm
It could be that when you said you are babysitting for Sarah Schwartz, she thought maybe she knew her and thought oh maybe she's that nice lady who wears those pretty animal print scarves. So maybe that's what she was asking. Otherwise it just seems a very random question to ask out of the blue.
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SuperWify
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 8:39 pm
It’s a strange question but not a reason for you to freak out. It’s not that weird.
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amother
Brown
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 10:21 pm
Maybe she was just trying to make conversation
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Dandelion1
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 10:51 pm
Why did you find it so offensive?
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HonesttoGod
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 11:16 pm
Curiosity is nosiness.
But yeah she’s probably trying to figure out if she knows who you’re talking about. Still weird though.
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amother
Royalblue
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 11:50 pm
If she would ask you her dress size, or how neat or messy she looks, that would be rude. I don't see anything wrong with the question. I sound to me that you were triggered for some odd reason.
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amother
Beige
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Sat, Feb 22 2020, 11:54 pm
It's quite a normal question to ask what someone wears on their head. She was probably trying to figure out if she knows her.
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amother
Goldenrod
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Sun, Feb 23 2020, 12:02 am
Nosy. The women is your employer - no reason to be talking about her at all.
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amother
Orchid
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Sun, Feb 23 2020, 1:22 am
When you get a question that throws you off, respond by saying "Why do you ask?"
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rzab
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Sun, Feb 23 2020, 4:10 am
I disagree with those saying it's not weird. It's so rude! I would also be very offended by a question like that
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amother
Olive
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Sun, Feb 23 2020, 4:55 pm
rzab wrote: | I disagree with those saying it's not weird. It's so rude! I would also be very offended by a question like that |
Its relative to the community. In a community where there are ten Suri Schwartzes, and a variety of different head coverings, why is it rude to ask what she wears on her head during a casual conversation? I agree that its not the classiest of questions, but if headgear is a thing in a community then what's wrong with that question?
What is nosy, is the act of trying to figure out which Suri Schwartz is being discussed. But the question itself is not weird in particular communities.
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amother
Forestgreen
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Sun, Feb 23 2020, 5:31 pm
I see it as akin to a secular person asking "does she have blonde hair" when trying to figure out whether they know someone.
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amother
Denim
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Sun, Feb 23 2020, 7:18 pm
I think it was so wrong and so rude. I found the question judgemental. I think it was her way of asking about her haskafa. Not sure if it was linked to her working or you potentially eating in her home, but she was definitely inquiring about how frum she is and judging something about it.
May be that she is so (too) frum a has many kids or husband is not secular educated and she needs to hire a baby-sitter and not work or she is not frum enough-not haimish and doesn't care enough about her child so she works and hires a babysitter, or anything in between/along those lines.
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amother
Cerise
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Sun, Feb 23 2020, 7:56 pm
amother [ Denim ] wrote: | I think it was so wrong and so rude. I found the question judgemental. I think it was her way of asking about her haskafa. Not sure if it was linked to her working or you potentially eating in her home, but she was definitely inquiring about how frum she is and judging something about it.
May be that she is so (too) frum a has many kids or husband is not secular educated and she needs to hire a baby-sitter and not work or she is not frum enough-not haimish and doesn't care enough about her child so she works and hires a babysitter, or anything in between/along those lines. |
I can see why you would think that, but if you are familiar with the nuances of the community where a covered sheitel is someone’s headgear, this is at all not the direction this question would lead to. It’s a very typical question and simply a matter of figuring out who she was talking about.
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