Home

What to text a close friend who lost her father
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 7:41 am
A close friend of mine lost her (young) father today. This came as a complete shock to everyone. I would love to send her a comforting text msg but Im not good with words. Can anyone help me? Something comforting and appropriate. Tysm!
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 7:45 am
She is a close friend? Then don't send a text. Go to the funeral if you are local, and make at least one shiva call. If you do not live close enough to visit, still call after the burial and make arrangements with a local restaurant to send a meal; tell her on the phone you would like to do so. Or ask her husband who is coordinating meals for the family and set it up with them.
Back to top

amother




Pewter
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 7:47 am
A text is tacky and inappropriate. Gives the person a message that you couldn't be bothered. If she's that close of a friend and you cannot go to the shiva, make a phone call and talk to her and maybe send something to the Shiva house.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 7:48 am
watergirl wrote:
She is a close friend? Then don't send a text. Go to the funeral if you are local, and make at least one shiva call. If you do not live close enough to visit, still call after the burial and make arrangements with a local restaurant to send a meal; tell her on the phone you would like to do so. Or ask her husband who is coordinating meals for the family and set it up with them.


She lives local and ofc I will visit, but wanted to also send a text. He passed this morning and I won't be going today or tomorrow for the shiva visit.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 7:50 am
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
A text is tacky and inappropriate. Gives the person a message that you couldn't be bothered. If she's that close of a friend and you cannot go to the shiva, make a phone call and talk to her and maybe send something to the Shiva house.

That's what I'm wondering. Is a text inappropriate???
Back to top

amother




Pewter
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 7:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She lives local and ofc I will visit, but wanted to also send a text. He passed this morning and I won't be going today or tomorrow for the shiva visit.


If you can make it to the levaya, go. And go to the Shiva house. No text necessary.
Back to top

amother




Tan
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:06 am
Plant a tree in isreal it’s eighteen dollars
Back to top

Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:24 am
A lot of people don't check texts etc during shiva. My father got upset that my sisters and I were checking our email, but we pointed out that most of our friends were in Israel (we all live there and had flown in before my mothers petira). They couldn't come to the shiva, so email was how they could be menachen avel.

Even in those circumstances it didn't occur to me to open my computer for the first day or two. When everything is so overwhelming, an email or text doesn't make much impact.

Later in the week I used to read my emails before going to sleep.

If you want to send something, I would stick to the classic, "HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch sha'ar avlei Tzion v'Yerushalayim", and maybe add "thinking of you" and your name. That will let her know you are thinking of her and give her some support. Comfort is out of place at least until after the levaya.
Back to top

amother




Salmon
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:30 am
I disagree with the above posters.
Sending a text in leu of showing up is in poor taste, but if she is a very close friend, I would definitely send her a text ASAP, keeping it short and sweet.

"I'm so sorry. Sending love"

If you grew up with her and know her dad fairly well, you can add a sentence in between. "Your dad was really a great man"

It is just to let her know that you are thinking of her and care. Better to say less than overdo it. No need for a Megillah.
Back to top

PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:44 am
You can say, thinking of you and will see you later in the week.
As for the general texting during shiva debate, I have no problem with texting. I sat shiva out of town and didn't answer my phone for two reasons: I didn't always have good reception, and I wouldn't look at my phone if people were there, particularly certain people. So a text was very meaningful.

In this situation, you're a close friend. Which would mean you should be there, etc. but OTOH, she knows your life and that this is what you can do right now, so yes, you are showing up in a way.
Back to top

happyone




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:54 am
honestly , when I sat Shiva I found texts inappropriate. pick up the phone or better yet drop in for a min and give her a hug.
Back to top

momomany




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:04 am
Dont text. Call.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:08 am
momomany wrote:
Dont text. Call.

Before the levayah? No
As a close friend being at the funeral would mean a lot. Or at least showing up for shivah. Texts are appropriate from acquaintances.
Back to top

momomany




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:10 am
Zehava wrote:
Before the levayah? No
As a close friend being at the funeral would mean a lot. Or at least showing up for shivah. Texts are appropriate from acquaintances.


I appreciated calls from close friends. At any time. A text regarding the death of a parent especially before the levaya, when its so raw, is in bad taste. If you feel uncomfortable calling then just hold it and you'll talk to her afterwards
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:12 am
happyone wrote:
honestly , when I sat Shiva I found texts inappropriate. pick up the phone or better yet drop in for a min and give her a hug.

Same and I agree. This is not one of those times when a quick text is appropriate.
Back to top

simba




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:13 am
It's ok to text. If she isn't looking she won't see it and if she is then she will know you are thinking about her at this difficult time.

I'm so sorry. Thinking about you.
Back to top

miami85




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:14 am
It might depend on your relationship. I lost my father at a young age and if there was something by text (text messages weren't that popular back then) that would've been meaningful and appreciated it would've been "I'm here for you... I'll see you later."
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:19 am
momomany wrote:
I appreciated calls from close friends. At any time. A text regarding the death of a parent especially before the levaya, when its so raw, is in bad taste. If you feel uncomfortable calling then just hold it and you'll talk to her afterwards

I didn’t
Texts don’t require an immediate response. Cuts down on the awkwardness. So really you’ve got to know the person.
Back to top

aimhabanim




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:40 am
I got a few texts from people right after my father was niftar and I appreciated them
Back to top

happy chick




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:53 am
aimhabanim wrote:
I got a few texts from people right after my father was niftar and I appreciated them

Same. Especially the time in between the passing and the levaya. Just a quick line saying "hugs, I'm thinking of you"
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Happening Now: Levaya For Father of 11 Lost to COVID-19
by Yael
6 Mon, Apr 06 2020, 2:12 am View last post
When someone close is niftar but not sitting shiva
by amother
10 Sun, Apr 05 2020, 12:26 am View last post
Recent marble cake recipe now lost 3 Sat, Apr 04 2020, 9:53 pm View last post
My friend has a gift for me that I can really use!
by amother
3 Fri, Apr 03 2020, 10:27 am View last post
[ Poll ] Flowers for a friend
by amother
15 Tue, Mar 31 2020, 1:15 pm View last post

Jump to: