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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
What to text a close friend who lost her father
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:07 am
This seems to be very generational to me.

Implicit that for a close friend, one is going to see the friend in person - perhaps even more than once. Not asked, but I think following up after the formal grieving process for a good friend is really being a true friend because most people want to pretend that the grieving process is over and one has *healed*. So they tend to be on their way - I really appreciated those friends who were willing to be with me and allow me to be sad as opposed to people who I felt were trying to cheer me up and who I felt would be uncomfortable with expressions of grief.

When my parents died, talking on the phone was difficult - much more difficult than speaking to people in person because a conversation was required. When being with close friends, it was possible to just *be* and not make any responses or provide any information etc.

As to the actual question, I wouldn't text - I would send an email. Perhaps that's a distinction without a difference but I feel that an email is a form of correspondence in which is more suitable for more in depth, subtle communication. It would be more like a formal sympathy note - but again that might be generation as I don't tend to use texts to communicate anything other than information or very short meaningless stuff.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:51 am
Amarante wrote:
This seems to be very generational to me.

Implicit that for a close friend, one is going to see the friend in person - perhaps even more than once. Not asked, but I think following up after the formal grieving process for a good friend is really being a true friend because most people want to pretend that the grieving process is over and one has *healed*. So they tend to be on their way - I really appreciated those friends who were willing to be with me and allow me to be sad as opposed to people who I felt were trying to cheer me up and who I felt would be uncomfortable with expressions of grief.

When my parents died, talking on the phone was difficult - much more difficult than speaking to people in person because a conversation was required. When being with close friends, it was possible to just *be* and not make any responses or provide any information etc.

As to the actual question, I wouldn't text - I would send an email. Perhaps that's a distinction without a difference but I feel that an email is a form of correspondence in which is more suitable for more in depth, subtle communication. It would be more like a formal sympathy note - but again that might be generation as I don't tend to use texts to communicate anything other than information or very short meaningless stuff.


I might be the generation that's not supposed to "get" texting during shiva. Yet I do. I communicate a lot by text.

I sat shiva twice, before and after everyone had cell phones. As much as I wanted to contact with certain people during shiva, if someone was there, they had my attention, hence the value of texting.

And the last time I didn't have ready access to a computer, and don't do email on my phone.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:44 am
Looks like im the odd one out. When I sat shiva for my father, I resented every phone call. I was emotionally exhausted and did not have the energy to handle even a brief phone call. It puts you on the spot. I didnt find them comforting. Towards the end I just told someone to say im not available.

But I so loved the meaningful texts I got. I read them at my leisure, when I felt up to it. They were incredibly comforting.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 1:38 pm
If you know of any nice stories about her father, be sure to bring them up at the shiva.

I had a friend of mine who's husband passed away suddenly. He wasn't particularly religious, didn't wear a kippah half the time, it drove his wife crazy. After he passed she started getting letters from all over the world.

They loved to travel, and everywhere they went he would find Jewish boys who weren't in yeshiva. He had set up a trust fund, and he would get them enrolled and pay their tuition. He did this for literally hundreds of boys, and she never had a clue. Her husband didn't tell anyone, and had told the boys not to say where the money had come from. They were quite well off, and the wife let him handle all the finances.

So all these boys wrote to her, telling her all about how her husband changed their lives forever, and what a special man he was, a hidden tzaddik and so humble, etc. She said it was the most comforting thing that could ever happen, and she kept the cards and letters, reading them over and over when she couldn't sleep.

Even the smallest remembrance of your friend's dad will mean the world to her.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 2:48 pm
If OP feels texting is appropriate, she should!
No one here understands the nature of their relationship.
I once asked on here regarding texting hamakom yinachem since I didn’t feel comfortable saying it. Majority of posters said inappropriate. In the end, I did it anyway. After shloshim was over, I got a phone call thanking me for the text. She was the wife of a super yeshivish rosh yeshiva. (No we are not friends, she’s old enough to be my mother) but I got the same advice, ignored it, and apparently it was the right decision.
OP, do whatever you feel comfortable doing.
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saralem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 5:55 pm
If the 2 if you most frequently text, then go ahead and reach out by text. Thinking of you and sending my love. That’s good enough for now. No harm done. She’s your close friend. Don’t overthink it. What she’ll remember is that you were there for her.
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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 5:58 pm
Text was very appropriate. Don't call. They can't speak words. Too painful. Don't even speak. Just show up and sit silently. Offer a hug. Don't speak unless spoken to at the Shiva call.
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