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S/O Fat Shaming



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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:12 pm
Why do some do this while insisting that they are "promoting healthy behavior"?
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soap suds




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:16 pm
Because some people are jerks!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:17 pm
It's a very trendy way of justifying mean behavior. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Milo Yiannopolis (who I otherwise like) was a big part of making this a "thing".

It's this very patronizing "I'm just saying this because I care about you" left handed way of saying something really nasty.

Sure, maybe shame has worked on one or two people and it motivated them to put down the fork and get back in the gym, but for that one or two there are thousands, if not millions, of people who are deeply hurt.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:26 pm
soap suds wrote:
Because some people are jerks!


Agreed. This is often dressed up as caring, concern, love, etc. but it isn't. It's bullying. It's being a jerk.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:36 pm
Your average overweight person has lost HUNDREDS of pounds. So much for no self-control.

But they are bullied, shamed, and looked down on. They get worse medical care (because it's "their fault" and "if they lost weight they wouldn't get cancer/diabetes/epilepsy/cataracts") and told outright or subtly by society that they are lazy, ugly, and disrespected.

Fat shaming is a socially sanctioned way of expressing your inner nastiness and cruelty.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:41 pm
There is skinny shaming too btw, someone asked my mom if Im anorexic..ppl make comments all the time how I'm too skinny...not my fault I look like a teenage boy...people tell me to eat more when I already eat tons
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:48 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
There is skinny shaming too btw, someone asked my mom if Im anorexic..ppl make comments all the time how I'm too skinny...not my fault I look like a teenage boy...people tell me to eat more when I already eat tons


That's true, but there are also people who will tell you that you are thin enough to be a runway model. That's never going to happen to an obese person. For some reason, people feel really threatened/uncomfortable around people who are heavier than they are. No idea why, and I'm not sure I want to know.

I do know a woman who worked in the fashion industry, and she had a body like yours. When she was a teenager, the other kids used to throw sandwiches at her, so I get what you're saying.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:50 pm
I think sometimes especially when it comes from family members it is due to their own insecurity. I have a technically overweight daughter. She has never had any problems from any classmates but it stresses my husband and his mother both of whom are overweight.

I know a certain "trainer" who has been called out for fat shaming is open that she used to be overweight when she was younger.

It's also become a thing with the government to feel that they need to get involved in children's weight. My SIL was told to take her dd to the doctor because the school said she was too skinny...
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amother
Blush


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 4:53 pm
amother [ Bisque ] wrote:
Your average overweight person has lost HUNDREDS of pounds. So much for no self-control.

But they are bullied, shamed, and looked down on. They get worse medical care (because it's "their fault" and "if they lost weight they wouldn't get cancer/diabetes/epilepsy/cataracts") and told outright or subtly by society that they are lazy, ugly, and disrespected.

Fat shaming is a socially sanctioned way of expressing your inner nastiness and cruelty.


I had a knock down, drag out fight with DH's doctor when he was hospitalized. Doctor wanted to blame condition on weight (which would have been a very rare condition), when every last symptom pointed to something else (something that over half the men his age have).

Oh, and for the person who referred to putting down the fork and going to the gym. I go to the gym 4 to 5 days a week, and walk at least one other day. I eat mindfully. I'm still overweight.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 5:04 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
I had a knock down, drag out fight with DH's doctor when he was hospitalized. Doctor wanted to blame condition on weight (which would have been a very rare condition), when every last symptom pointed to something else (something that over half the men his age have).

Oh, and for the person who referred to putting down the fork and going to the gym. I go to the gym 4 to 5 days a week, and walk at least one other day. I eat mindfully. I'm still overweight.


I threw that out there because that is what people say when they don't understand how weight actually works. There are a million and one reasons why people's metabolism does what it does. From gut inflammation, to medications, thyroid issues, emotional eating, past zexual abuse, or just plain loneliness. It could be that, or a combination, or anything else. Judging never made anyone healthier.

My mom had always been overweight, been shamed by her parents, and dismissed by her doctors her whole life. She was put on her first diet when she was only 6. By the time she was 15 she was addicted to prescription "weight loss pills" I.e. amphetamines. The weight stayed on, and she blamed herself for years.

It turned out she had Dercum's Disease https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-g.....sease . When she died, an autopsy revealed that almost HALF of her body weight was tumors, and the ones that invaded her lungs and liver were the ones that killed her. I'm just happy that she found out that the weight was not her fault before she died. Without the tumors, she would have been a perfect weight for her height.

She used to say that on her headstone, it should read "See? I told you I'm not fat!"
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amother
White


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 5:17 pm
Even if someone eats terribly and never exercises, there is never an excuse for fat shaming.
I don't believe a word of the whole "oh, I'm concerned for her health". You're not concerend about the health of anyone else you meet on the street, so why suddenly with someone who is overweight.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 5:48 pm
I'm sorry op, I feel for you, lots of hugs. I can relate to ur feelings My dh does this to me all time
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Ravenclaw




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 6:29 pm
It’s funny how no one is concerned with the health of people who skip meals to slim down. Or smokers. Or a million other things.
Ben Shapiro said he is against the new style of having, say, a fat model on the cover of a magazine since it promotes unhealthy behavior. But no one is concerned when anorexic, drug addicted celebrities are on the covers, as long as they are thin.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 7:02 pm
There is all kinds of shaming. I’m a petite blonde and people speak to me very dismissively and physically invade my space or push me out of the way. I feel like a rag doll. On family outings people comment that I can’t really be the mother. IRL if I said anything people would tell me to be grateful I look young or am thin. None of it is complimentary. After birth and being heavier I notice people treat me much better.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:15 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
There is all kinds of shaming. I’m a petite blonde and people speak to me very dismissively and physically invade my space or push me out of the way. I feel like a rag doll. On family outings people comment that I can’t really be the mother. IRL if I said anything people would tell me to be grateful I look young or am thin. None of it is complimentary. After birth and being heavier I notice people treat me much better.


DD is a petite blond. She's 16yo, and barely 5 feet tall.

When she was going into third grade, someone stopped her on the street and said "Are you excited to be starting kindergarten?" DD looked at me like "Mom, is it OK if I kick him in the shins?" To this day she gets mad when she remembers that comment.

Now, she compensates by being a very fierce, opinionated, kick-@ss young woman. She may be tiny, but don't mess with her! She will set you straight in a New York minute. Very Happy
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Kiwi13




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 8:26 pm
You know what's interesting? I recently got a postcard advertisement from a bra company. It featured normal-size women, and on the one hand, that's awesome. But you know what my first instinct was? To turn it over because of the awkwardness of the basically nude poses. It took me a minute to realize why it bothered me to see these models posing like that in their underwear, vs the type of models we've been accustomed to seeing for decades: It's because they look like REAL WOMEN, and therefore it was weird to see them posing in their underwear under a patronizing quote about how shopping for bras is the perfect way to fight the winter blues (umm... who wrote that??!) They were absolutely gorgeous, don't get me wrong. The point is that I related to their images as real people and not as glorified clothing hangers. It made me want more respect for them.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 9:13 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
DD is a petite blond. She's 16yo, and barely 5 feet tall.

When she was going into third grade, someone stopped her on the street and said "Are you excited to be starting kindergarten?" DD looked at me like "Mom, is it OK if I kick him in the shins?" To this day she gets mad when she remembers that comment.

Now, she compensates by being a very fierce, opinionated, kick-@ss young woman. She may be tiny, but don't mess with her! She will set you straight in a New York minute. Very Happy


She’s not the only one! 🙈
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soap suds




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 26 2020, 11:32 pm
Ravenclaw wrote:
It’s funny how no one is concerned with the health of people who skip meals to slim down. Or smokers. Or a million other things.

Never mind that. No one is concerned about the health of people who have unhealthy eating habits like eating loads of carbs and barely any vegetables, as long as they're not fat. Every single overweight person I know leads a much healthier lifestyle than I do, both in terms of eating and exercising. I'm terrible at both, but it doesn't show. If anyone desrves to be shamed (and no one does) it's me.
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 27 2020, 12:17 am
I was ( and actually, remain) obese from the time I was 7 years old. I was fat shamed by family(great aunts were the worst), by peers, by bullies... and that does not begin to touch the Shame I felt myself that could be triggered by anything from children pointing at me and saying I was fat ( as an adult) to me eating something I felt I shouldn’t.

As much as other people hurt me, my own head tried to kill me for 45 years. I remember the moment in my grade 1 classroom sitting down and seeing my thighs spread in the chair and being mortified because I was fat. Honestly, I don’t even know where it came from, because it wasn’t my parents. I was six! And clearly dismorphic, if I thought I was fat because of my thighs flattening on a chair as I sat.

At some point, I started eating compulsively and the dismorphia became reality. Nobody could do more shaming or bullying than I did to myself.

Amazingly, even though I still have a considerable amount of weight to lose, my head is peaceful now.

Some of it was work I did on myself over time and I believe that a huge part of it was the stabilization of my blood sugar since I seemed to have a disproportionate reaction to that which resulted in my being compelled to eat like a maniac. I’m so grateful that it’s done.

That said, I’ve recently learned that I need to be proactive about meeting doctors for the first time or other health professionals. I need to tell them very quickly where I came from and how stable I am. Otherwise they make assumptions about me because if the way I look. And the longer I’m stable, you can see the adjustments in their thinking from first impression to my explanation.

I hate that they take one look at me, even at my current weight ( which is 100 pounds down from my highest) and make assumptions about me and my eating habits until they find out my history. Then, I see the respect. But it should not be that way. I should have that respect from the beginning, no matter what I look like. They should not assume I have diabetes or high blood pressure. They should ask me my history in whatever order they ask everyone else regardless of size.

Also, and this is really irritating, the people who are just waiting to see me fail so they can feast on my failure. Thank god, I am going nowhere. They can wait forever. I am on track 100 percent of the time. I am metabolically damaged but not only am I maintaining my weight loss, I am slowly losing more.

My truth is that I am who I am and if you don’t like it, leave me out of it. I do what I do because it makes my life worth living, and it’s really no one else’s problem.

I’ll admit that sometimes I see a really big person ( there’s this one woman who is always at Starbucks) and being big alone does not get my notice. It’s when I see them struggling to breathe or hobbled by their size as I was. I want to reach out and tell them there is hope but as much a loud mouth as I am, I can’t really. It’s not appropriate and of course to assume that they aren’t perfectly happy as they are is obnoxious no matter what my experience is.

I think that weight neutral and health at any size have good points but also have room to be abused. People should not be judged by size ( weight neutral) and we should all strive to be as healthy as we can be at any size.

I’m not sure how on point this was. I experienced a lot of fat shaming in my life. I’m in a weird place now. I need some physical therapy and the one I asked to see me told me that because of my fitness level, I should be seeing a PT who is also a trainer. So yes, obese but already at a different level than one would expect just looking at me. Anyways. If it was easy I’d have lost all of it by now, and I’m just grateful that my brain stopped trying to kill me.
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